Afraid of Everything

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Afraid of Everything

My therapist and I have been discussing my going on antidepressants since my depression seems to be getting worse. I am making progress on recovering memories, but everything else is going down hill fast...to the point I'm afraid of losing my job.

I have accepted that I probably would benefit from medication, but am scared.

Why am I such a weak person. My life is ruled by fear!!! I'm so sick of being afraid of everything!
 
I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

I think what you are feeling about conflict and being unconfrontational is a normal reaction. I for the longest time hated any type of conflict and I would bend over backwards to avoid it. I just hated the idea of making waves because I wanted everyone to like me. I really wanted to be accepted. It takes time to get to the point of being ok and not scared to speak your truth and essentially sticking up for yourself. I am doing better with being able to 'stick up" for myself now but I still have difficult times.

I do not think that you are week. You are simply trying to heal and this is part of the healing process. As you get better and progress in your recovery it will become easier. I know it does not seem like that now but it will get better.

Have you discussed this with your therapist? Has your therapist given you any suggestions on how to approach the subject with your wife?

We have all be affected by the fear and am sure a good portion of us have difficulty getting beyond being scared. It is not an easy place to be or to get out of.

Regarding you job... is it an option to take some time off. Some jobs offer short term and long term disability. If you are working with a therapist and then start on medications with a psychiatrist they can evaluate you and may recommend you take some time off. Time off goes a long way toward your recovery.

Medications would definitely help give you some much needed relieft for now, so I think your thinking is correct there.

You are definitely not alone. It is ok to do what is right for you and take care of you. It is not easy to do but it is necessary for your well being.

take care
 
Medication for depression can be prescribed by your MD.

It might be better to be prescribed from a psychiatrist.

The meds for depression are to address chemical imbalance in the brain, but they seem to numb me, I dont know how others think.

Maybe your T is going too fast in a direction of recovery without dispersing the hurt, so maybe you need a break.

ste
 
WillP
Medication for depression can be good but also have some bad side effects. I gave up on them after 6 months because of those side effects.

I know that they can be very good for some of us, so I would give them a try after checking out all the different kinds with your doctor. WebMD.com has an excellent resource for info on all the different Medication for depression.

One possible side effect is sexual problems. Don't let me talk you out of given them a try but know all the facts before you move forward, Tom
 
Will I'd highly doubt that you're weak. It sounds to me like you are overwhelmed right now. Memory recovery of the abuse is extremely painful, scary, and tedious. When one deals with these memories he or she may tend to perform less efficiently at work or other activities because that person is dealing with a horrible and traumatizing memory. Its almost like another full time job and there is nothing to be ashamed of if you temporarily dont meet the standards at work that you did before. You are recovering from an injury that takes time to heal, similar to breaking an arm. Its important to let those you love and trust know what your going through if you feel comfortable telling them and it also important to nurture yourself during these stages. Its also important to take your time with the memories and try not to bite off more than you can chew at one time although its tempting to go all out. We all want to recover but rushing it can be more painful than necessary. This is a phase. You're travelling through a merky valley now but don't fail to notice the big beautiful mountains in front of you that you will climb in the days to come. Hold on will, keep fighting. Thats what we do.

Jason
 
Will,

You don't say anything about a therapist, so I wonder if you have one. If not, this would be something to consider. Recovering from CSA isn't a do-it-yourself project, and most of us need some kind of professional guidance.

I would urge you not to think of all this in terms of your weakness. Recovery IS difficult! Just what you are going through now takes a lot of courage.

Seeking the help of a T isn't an act of weakness either. Actually, it takes a lot of guts to say we need help. The T's job would be to get you through this at a pace you can handle and without subjecting yourself to a lot of new pain and trauma. That seems to be what you are going through now. It just isn't necessary, and in fact it can do you a lot of harm.

Much love,
Larry
 
[Aside to roadrunner, Wills first sentence says, "My therapist and I have been discussing..." He's on the right track. :) ]

Will, if you're weak, so am I. There are many things about this work that I don't discuss with my wife. You and I and all the other guys here do the best we can. We've been through terrible events that have damaged us. If I can't climb the same mountain as another guy because I have an old injury when a gunman attacked me, that doesn't make me weak. It means I've had to deal with something the other guy didn't. Well, it may not have been a gunman that injured us, but the damage was just as real. We had our trust destroyed, our sense of safety and self-worth violated. You're doing the best you can. So please don't be hard on yourself.

Medication is just as necessary for some of us as glasses are for people who need them to be able to see and function. If you're ever curious, type in "cortisol" and "stress" in a search engine. If a kid lives under stressful conditions long enough, all kinds of health problems can result. Bring up health issues here and you'll find these men deal with a lot physically, too. Is it any wonder my brain may need some chemicals to balance its processes out? I take Prozac and some anti-anxiety meds. It's not a big deal. My wife takes allergy meds to survive. I'd rather sneeze than go crazy, wouldn't you? Hand me the meds. We do what we have to do. We recognize our limitations and quit trying to be super heroes.

Take care, Will. Do what you need to in order to be OK.
 
I think everyone finds their own path. What works for one person may not work for the other. Personally I was on meds for a depressive episode 4 years ago and did not like them. But they are very effective and side effects can be minimal. Personally I am not a medication taking person. But gosh if we need it we need it. THere is nothing wrong with it. What worked for me was an alternative path. I have not done traditional therapy. i worked with spiritual people who got me in touch with how to feel, meditation, and working with me on how I perceive the world around me. This is what has worked and continues to work for me.

Foverfighting you are so right that it is not only mental but also physical. I have had some many health issues that can not be explained. I reall believe that it is due to my repressed emotions. We do indeed do the best that we can. That is all we can do.
 
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