Affected your sex life?


A few questions for the straight victims of female SA:

1) Did you feel triggered when you first had sex?

2) Has it really affected your sex life?

I myself haven't had sex before but one of my goals is to have sex at least by my next birthday (I'm 23), not because society looks down on male virgins, but because I feel that I'm missing out on something and I really want to do it. The thing is though, I might feel weirded out or something when it comes to doing it.
I wasn't triggered when I first had sex, because for the first 8 years of my marriage I was not present. I was disassociated and off in la la land.

BUT when that was known and I didn't go away during sex..... sex became almost impossible and was filled with so much anxiety and tension and fear. I was a mess. So 8 years spent "away" during sex. Then just about another 2 years struggling with it to the point where I was actually afraid of the times I knew she was interested...

I can say though, I have actually now expereienced what I think is good and decent sex! Sex where I wasn't triggered and didn't even think about the things that had happened in my past! I was actually present and able to be with my wife and no thoughts of all those others entered my mind! Granted I can count those times on a single hand... but wow, I never thought I'd get there!

As for feeling that your missing something.... I don't know if this is the abused fellow in me talking, but believe, I don't think your missing anything.


I always had severe anxiety and was so nervous I was not really able to relax. Hormones took care of the nervousness when I was a teen. I guess it might be informative that I was drunk or high most of the times I had sex as an adult. It never made sense to me why I was like that until I saw this forum.
I didn't know I was safe with the women I was having sex with. It would have made a lot of difference for me. That is my advice to you, find someone with whom you feel safe, so that the new experience isn't limited by fear of her reactions.
Something else I didn't know;I had no idea that women liked everything a man's body does. So try not to worry much in that department.

BE SAFE use a condom
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Matt from Oz

I was raped by my Mother for 5 years.

When I first had sex with a woman I was completely intoxicated at the age of 13 - 1 year after the abuse stopped

I then had a partner for 3 years when I was 16 and we did lots outside of normal intercourse,

I guess I have always tried to make my intimate encounters more than just missionary because that means I get to avoid what was done to me against my consent,

dark empathy

I'm afraid of and hate anything and everything to do with s/x.

for years I have been struggling with fear of my own physical reactions or ever the word itself, ---- yet at the same time have desired a close connection with another person so desperately it's been agony.

While I don't really think there is anything special about virginity as such it bothered me for a long time that the closest I've ever been to someone was in a class room as a teenager while being verbally and physically insulted by various girls, ---- and the less serious s/xual intimidation I experienced at the hands of boys, ---- having my trsouers pulled down in public etc didn't help either.

What i've desired hasn't just been something physical, ---- but a communication I've seen betwene couples who are together, which runs on multiple levels. Whether this translates into what they do when they're alone together I do not know, --- -I assume it can sometimes though.

This desire, this need, this realization about myselfhas brought me nothing but pain.

I have therefore decided enough is enough, ---- see the my decision thread in F&F for details.

I'm going to rid myself of this desire, and I'm no loger going to either expect or conceive that I'll ever meet someone who can fulfill it.

I'm 27, and the closest I've been to anyone was during my abuse as a teenager, it's a hard and painful truth to accept that this might, ---- if my situation does not change, be the sole truth for the rest of my life, ---- but if that is the way it is, ---- so it goes!

Of course, if things change somehow, I'll rethink the position, --- but I've given up hoping and expecting, and intend to rid myself of the control this desire has had over my life, ---- a control as profound as the abuse itself.

I now wish I had no libido, sinse it only makes me feel uncomfortable and gets in my way.

My choice of what is effectively accepting a kind of celibacy, ---- all things being equal, for the sake of my feelings is not one which is easy, and might not be for everyone.

Stil, rather than trying to fruitlessly seak something which might just be constantly painful, ---- I'd recommend you think of this as an alternative.

Best of luck in your decision.