Advice?

[beccy]

Last week after his therapy session my bf told me his T told him to be gentle with himself, as through the coming week, he may recover memories. He didn't go to say more, so I didn't push for information. Later in the evening, I asked him if he wanted to talk, but he said no, so I respected that. It seemed he needed space, so I took myself off and did other stuff.

All week, he was very distant, dissociated sometimes etc. I have been trying to get on with my own life, so I did quite well really, just accepting that he needed to work more etc. I got on with my thing and actually enjoyed the space. However, there were quite a few times when he was oblivious to my space and i had to address those things. Each time he was quite cold with me really, but identified that was stuff from his past and we mostly made up after. By the end of the week things definately feel right between us. I felt uncomfortable with the way he hugs/kisses me whenever he choses, but keeps himself to himself emotionally. I reached a point where I couldn't be physically close to him. So, I was very honest about it and we had an uncomfortable day/night/day. Then sat down and talked again...

He said he had wanted to talk after his app. but was worried about upsetting me. I feel this is to do with his relationshuip with his mother and how she would have not coped. He also said I have so many issues at the moment, so he didn't feel it was maybe fair to lean on me. Anyway, after all that, he shared the stuff he'd been wanting to share, cried, I supported him and we were close again.

I want to somehow make it easier for him to come talk to me......I feel that underneath his feelings of 'you might be upset/you've got so many issues at the moment', is anger. It's aimed at me cause I'm the one who's here. I presume that's why he's been cold towards me for having anything I might need to talk about(even it is concerns the wealfare/health of our relationship and is beneficial to the both of us).

I don't like the way this distancing happens. I also don't like the way he uses my issues as a distraction(least that's how it seens) and holds resentment about them. As far as I can see, expressing everything as clearly as possible is the only way through the fog. We have two kids, so we've got to try and make it work. It's not like we can live seperate lives while he and I go through our s**t seperately, then get together when he's ready to have an actual relationship.

Any pointers anyone?

peace,
Beccy

 

[shadowkid]

beccy ,i have never been in a relationship with anyone ,so maybe i dont have a clue. but i see posts here all the time from partners of survivors and i would like to say to all of you that its so hard for me to understand why the guys seem to put up walls or even drive away the person that is trying to help them. i should be the last one to not understand a survivor ,but i want to say to those guys ,hey! wake the hell up !i been in the same dark places as those guys but if i had somebody that i could be with that cared as much as all of you do ,well damn the last thing i would wanna do is push them away .i wish that they could live my life for a day, to see what they have i guess they have to lose it . i'll probably upset some people with this post ,but damn it guys please dont use your abuse as an excuse to make somebody who cares feel like thay are part of the problem! if you read the post on family and friends you will find people who are hurting ,but its not the survivors ,its the people who care about them . that is so sad to me ,beccy you dont deserve to hurt anymore than he deserved what happened to him . i dont know what i'm trying to say here except that you are important ,you are just as important as anybody and you should be a hell of a lot more important than what happened to him ,the abuse happend ,cant change that ,but how that abuse affects you can be changed , everbody tells us its not our fault ,fine ,but somebody should tell you that its sure not your fault!! healing should be about dealing with our shit ,not about putting the blame on somebody else thats only trying to do the hardest thing i know of ,live with a survivor. adam

 

[Brokenhearted]

Maybe Adam because you are still young, you are better able to be reached. I think if someone like my husband who has lived w/ his abuse issues in the dark and isloated and silently for almost 4 decades, it is almost ingrained by now that he finds it so much harder to trust. That is the only thing I can think of. He is set in his ways. Thank God you are so young and still have a chance to live so much "normal" life ahead of you. But on behalf of a spouse of a survivor, THANK YOU for your kind words to us.

 

[roadrunner]

Beccy and Adam,

One of the really difficult problems in understanding the issues of CSA is that we so often try to look at these problems from a logical point of view - we try to make sense of things assuming that we are on some kind of rational playing field.

That can often mislead us, since very frequently what a survivor does or how he acts is fueled by entirely emotional considerations. Logic has nothing to do with it.

A good example of this is the way a survivor will so often dump on his partner. How do we make sense of that, since, as Adam rightly observes, the partner is only "trying to do the hardest thing I know of, live with a survivor"?

Apart from the fact that very often the survivor doesn't see or understand the extent to which he is victimizing his partner, he's frequently doing this because his partner is the safest possible target. In a kind of back-handed way he's saying, "You are the only one I can trust with this shit."

The fact that the survivor doesn't see the harm he's causing is one reason (but of course only one) why it's so important that the partner stand her ground and refuse to be disrespected. The survivor needs to be confronted with how irrational his behavior and actions are becoming and how they are hurting others.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

That's what I'm coming to find is so true Larry

I find it very hard to stand up for myself in this way constantly. Difficult to trust my feelings and kind of like I have to be 'on the ball' at all times. It's quite paranoia inducing. Also anger/hurt/trust issues seem to be around constantly.....on both sides.

It is very reassuring though to hear you say 'refuse to be disrespected'. I feel on shaky ground over that constantly as the way he always talks of it all makes it seem like I'm scary/angry/mean to him. But then he says it's nothing to do with me and that came from his past....which I understand. But if he's so scared of me, how does he manage to be so mean to me? There's something about it that I can't seem to grasp. Tonight he said that the past week, me 'busying' myself meant to him that I was distancing myself from him, therefore he'd done something wrong, therefore I didn't like him. I tried to explain, that I cannot and will not push him into talking with me, and so if he says he doesn't want to talk, then I will respect that (like I've already said previously). That in itself is fine. But, then if after that, he works all hours, becomes very distant and(when I out of neccessity have to busy myself) behaves strangely with me, like there's some problem.....that's not ok. It's just not fair. Like to EVER achieve any intimacy there always has to be an unpleasant drama first. To me, it really seems like he's not owning his own needs. He needed to talk to me. NOT talking to me made HIM feel distant. But instead of owning that, he made out like there was some problem from my side of things. I really need to think of a better way to avoid this repeating pattern........tonight he said he feels differently about it now, but my feeling is that it will happen again. It twists my head and keeps pushing me to the point where I feel i can only be friends with him, as I can't do that, ''everything's happy for me, you can kiss/hug me whenever you fancy. So in order to prevent that actually happening, I need to get 'sharper' in some way or something like that...

peace,
beccy

 

[roadrunner]

Beccy,

Yes, it's difficult to stand one's ground when you know that the other person really is hurting so badly and that this hurt is the root cause for so many problems. I think it's something that both parties have to work on. It's also a good idea to choose one's battles: just think, for example, "Do I REALLY have to win this one?"

On the issue of disrespect, what made the issue very vivid for me was the realization one day that the abuse in my past was turning my own wife - the dearest person to me in all the world - into another victim of the abuser. Perhaps that connection would be a useful tool for you. That is, don't tell him, "I refuse to be disrespected", but rather something like "When you do that/talk that way to me, it makes me a new victim of your abuser and I just cannot accept that." But make sure he understands you don't see HIM as an abuser; the point is that HIS abuse history is now harming you as well.

Just a thought.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

I see what you're saying here Larry.

Over the past week because I knew bf might be remembering details, I really didn't feel i could push for anything. It seemed he needed the escape of work etc I've done the reading on repressed memories and so I'm nervous for him about what exactly he might remember. The recurring problem related to this is that he withdraws from emotional life ENTIRELY, which gets us in these messes. I feel like he's running away from it constantly and the rest of emotional life gets swept along with that. If I just let it be however, this pattern repeats itself. But I'm aware that he might not be ready to remember, so I get this feeling it's safer for him to be escaping?

peace,
Beccy

 

[Trish4850]

Beccy,

If you figure this one out, let me in on, K? My b/f will talk to me, when things start to spiral out of control in his mind. My reactions are pretty much consistant, but once he's "purged" whatever it is he's been feeling, it's back into his protective little cocoon as if we'd never spoken - as if he doesn't have anyone to talk to. I'm there for him and he knows it, like Larry says, intellectually, all of the right things are in place, but the emotions take over and it's protective mode almost always.

I wish I knew that if I did something differently it would break, but I don't know that and I don't know what, so I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing and hope for the best somewhere down the line. Most of the time, it's good and so far, most of the time, so am I.

ROCK ON......Trish

 

[Trish4850]

Adam,

Thanks for your kinds words to partners. It means a great deal.

ROCK ON.......Trish

 

[beccy]

It worries me Trish, that this could continue till who knows....I'm not really ok and I don't think I will ever be while it stays like this. really I'm coming to the realisation that I need much more than this to be happy. If it continued indefinately, I just don't think I could continue the relationship. Not a comfortable thought for me right now. With kids as part of the picture, I just can't face that possible ending.... How do you cope?

And sorry Adam, I didn't say thankyou. Those kind words were so lovely....I suppose once someone gets in a relationship, it can bring out different parts of people...kind of unfortunate really.

peace,
Beccy

 

[beccy]

Also, Trish you say your bf will talk to you once things start to spiral out of control in his mind, but that's just it, mine doesn't even do that

 

[roadrunner]

Beccy,

With a few of your latest comments to this thread I think you hit right to the heart of the dilemma facing partners. On the one hand:

But I'm aware that he might not be ready to remember, so I get this feeling it's safer for him to be escaping?

So true! He isn't ready, and by now you will have heard a million times the mantra that things can't be rushed. BUT:

It worries me Trish, that this could continue till who knows....I'm not really ok and I don't think I will ever be while it stays like this. Really I'm coming to the realisation that I need much more than this to be happy. If it continued indefinately, I just don't think I could continue the relationship. Not a comfortable thought for me right now. With kids as part of the picture, I just can't face that possible ending....

Can I suggest a different take on this? If you allow yourself to drift along in his current of denial, then the behavior you are already experiencing could get worse. And even if it doesn't, it will still eat away at your confidence and self-esteem. Beccy will get turned into an anxious, distrustful, bitter and resentful person - another desperately wounded victim. What kind of partner will that woman be able to be? How will it affect her ability to fill her role as a loving and caring mother? And most importantly, what will the long-term consequences be for herself?

So really, your bf's lack of any commitment to recovery can't be carved in stone if the relationship is to survive, for the simple reason that commitment to recovery is a crucial part of his commitment to his family. He may have to force himself to do things that he ISN'T ready for, simply because he sees that losing his family is a fate far worse. I think many survivors, myself included, can look back and see that this is what they had to do.

My point here is that even with the terrible burden of abuse in the picture, the responsibility for making decisive moves forward still lies with him. If he cannot or will not do that, then that leaves you with the task of dealing with the situation - alone.

I'm not urging you to judge him - far from it. This isn't a matter of judgment, just one of very VERY harsh realities.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

I see what you're saying there larry,

I think he's kind of decided to push things along more already.....He's very tense about his appointment tommorrow and I think that's because he's decided in a way to let these memories surface........wether or not that will mean things improve between us is an unknown, but what I'm thinking is that I might have to get a bit tougher too. Like maybe NOT accepting his constant escapes? is that what you meant by saying ''If you allow yourself to drift along in his current of denial,''?

Everything just feels so on edge and uncertain at the moment...

peace,
Beccy

 

[Brokenhearted]

Beccy, I'm thinking of you. I like to fast-forward in my mind to, say, a year from now. Things cannot stay the same. They can get better or worse, and hopefully , with the help of a good T, better. It is so hard because we have to take ONE DAY at a time. It is so hard not to think about his issues all the darn time. If we can, we need to give OURSELEVES a break/escape. Like just for one day, try to take a mental vacation from it. It's kind of like having an extra toddler for me, it's exhausting, and if I can go away briefly and have some "me" time I'm better and recharged when I come back to her. Gosh, I know it's hard. I think one key for me is NOT taking these things, like emotional distance and zero reciprocity, PERSONALLY. I have to constantly remind myself that these things are not against me, not meant to hurt me. And once I get it through my head it hurts a little less.

I'm just excited that your b/f is going to therapy. We could be -- I don't know -- a year? -- away from that step. I mean, the sooner, the better. Get through the first part of recovery and all the crap he has to go through -- everyone seems to believe that's the hardest part anyway. Get it over w/ and out of the way ASAP and then look back at a later date and see the progress. I am so glad he is willing to talk to a T rather than say he never will. He has a good chance of improving and must have the will or he wouldn't even go. I think it IS scary for a T to address one's issues. Today mine turned over a new page on her tablet and said, "Ok, now let's talk a little about your self-esteem issues." Well, when I was all of a sudden the SUBJECT, I admit I got a little stage-fright! I have to look at things from my husband's view if I can.

 

[Trish4850]

Beccy,

How do I cope? Good question and if I'm totally honest, sometimes I don't. On those days, I make it about me, me and me. I frequently throw all of my logic and sense out the window and have myself one kick ass pity party. I cry, I scream, I throw stuff if the urge strikes and I come here to vent. On other "I don't cope days" I spend time shopping, or with my 19 year old daughter, or friends or family. I escape from my b/f and don't feel guilty about it for more than few minutes. Dave, who doesn't come here as often any more, told me not to worry about it cause us parnters need a break from the survivors crap every now and then. I really took that one to heart and dumped the guilt I felt.

As for the rest of the time, I enjoy the good things that we do have and I hold on with all my might for a better future. I don't allow myself to believe that it won't get better. And truthfully some things have gotten better, some others have gotten worse, but reading here has helped me to understand why. The "worse" parts aren't about us, they're about him dealing with memories and the reality of what happend. It isn't about me. Even when he shuts me out of something that he's trying to work through, I don't let the hurt of being shut out get the better of me; that was hard to learn, but I'm glad I did. Usually within a very short period of time, he comes back around to today and to me and I know he'll talk to his T at the next appointment, so we're good.

ROCK ON........Trish

 

[Trish4850]

Let me add here too that I think I'm luckier than some of the partners here in that my b/f isn't abusive to me in any way, not verbally, physically or emotionally. He's kind - always.

The only time I've been abused by him is when the dark side of him took over and he lived another life that I discovered. True, it doesn't get much worse than that and I went through hell. But through all that we went through, he never tried to blame it on me. That has played a huge part in our ability to work through it and heal. I don't know where we'd be if he had tried to lay any of the blame at my feet, knowing me, I would not have the strength and determination I see in others here, I would have shed a million tears, but I would have walked.

ROCK ON........Trish

 

[beccy]

I know what you mean about not feeling guilty about doing things for yourself. That's only just starting for me. I am gradually starting to take pleasure again in the things I can enjoy for myself. Also, when bf distances himself, it seems the healthiest thing I can do. That's why it was so frustrating last week when it turns out he thought there was some problem because I did that. He thought I was pissed off with him for being distant and that I was distant as a kind of punishment. I tried to explain to him, it's not that I was pissed off. It is more like I am depressed to live like that and when he distances himself to that degree. So I am not happy. Also because he was cold with me when I brought up the boundary issues which I felt had invaded my space. Basically it was like he was not very nice to me the whole week and so I did feel hostile when it came to hugging/kissing. Because I didn't feel close. I didn't feel respected. I didn't feel that the whole 'relating' side of our relationship mattered at all to him. I found it difficult to kiss, smile, hug when I'm feeling so unhappy.

I am just hoping that at some point soon, he starts choosing to have that kind of relationship with me. Instead of it always having to be that there's some protesting/hostility from me. I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Some of the things he's said make me think did fall in love with me/still is, but the way he never chooses these things makes me feel unsure about it all. I feel like it's because i came to him, I made the effort. I have lived with the feeling of always being unsure and really after a long time of therapy it's only just beginning to dawn on me how unhappy I am with the way things have been/are. How little I feel i can express my whole self to him. How low my self confidence is(with him). I feel uncomfortable expressing any kind of passionate love at all, as it makes him so uncomfortable, never mind flirting. I know he's probably quite a long way off being ready for those things yet anyway. I have read in one of my books, that it's actually better to continue with those things, in order for the survivor to work through them, but i can't seem to do it any more. I feel quite dead inside and I know I can't live like this for the rest of my life. Naturally I'm actually a very passionately expressive person, but I'm also very sensitive and have quite a few insecurities, so if it seems someone doesn't like something, I loose all my confidence to persevere. I'm kind of hoping that as he starts to recover more, he will take the initiative...but I'm not so sure if that's realistic. I suppose I'm quite worried about our future really...

peace,
Beccy