advice? Suggestions?
Iwanttohelphim
Registrant
Hi Help him- I just saw this. I have not been checking the board for a while.
How can you tell? I don't know.
My guy said "I need you to help me" - that was pretty clear.
Then he walked out of my life forever without looking back.
The first 2 weeks we were together, he made several nasty jikes about me that demonstrated his lack of responsibility and ability to own choices. he appologised by asking me for help in letting him know when he was out of line. A week later, he asked me for help by being patient with him while he learned to trust me, because he said he couldn't trust people. A week later, he threw furniture at me and raged and screamed and interrogated me and threatened me and told me I was "not his father and would never get away with controlling him like his father". Then he spent the next few days like a dog with his tail between his legs. He sent me a letter explaining why he did what he did as an appology- when I read it today, it also was not remorseful or empathetic, but justification after justification and begging me not to leave him or he would die of heart break (I had said nothing about leaving). he asked me for help in being as strong as I am.
Over the course of months, he would bring up topics like "have you ever been depressed? I am" "ave you ever felt alone? I do."..."I feel so angry sometimes and I don't know why" "I have this job so that people will think I am a hero, but the truth is, I can hide here alone." "when I am alone like this, my mind turns and turns and I feel really angry and negative"
I think those were allo asking for help.
I think his admissions that his "anger" issues have destroyed past relationships was a cry for help. he also said it was worse with me and he blames all of the women.
I reaize now there is nothing I can do.
I want to share with you why.
His entire family is abusive. EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY. They all have borderline personality disorder from living with entrenched abouse for generations.
he is the only one with the opportunity and potential to make it out. But he will not.
I will not marry a person with a mentally ill abusive family. Especially since they are an enmeshed culture to begin with (middle eastern)
He is, and I know this is going to sound "bad"- but there are certain facts of life that we have to consider, not really worthy of me. He is not my equal in one respect. He knows it and he said it and he can't live with it. Now, neither can I.
I am a CSA survivor as well, so I know what this is about first hand. I recovered. He hasn't. End of story.
he can not support me in the way I am accustomed and will not try. don't want him to. he gets angry at that. So he also will not allow me to live in a way I enjoy by my own effeorts.
He is not as cultured as I am and that is a problem. he speaks only 2 languages. he has not traveled and has no ambission to. he hates Europe. I am European.
His appearance, both physical and his dress are not what I am accustomed to and are, let's just say, it stands out that I could do better.
We sound like a great match right?
I want to tell you that how I FEEL about him...I love him very much because I know what is really on the inside. he is bright, he has a god sense of humor when he is not afraid, he is athletic and loves nature, he is warm and cuddely. he is the most attractive, sexy and handsome man in the world in my eyes. I am truely in love with him. I don't care about anything else. I just want him.
But on top of all of that, he is a survivor, in otherwords, he has borderline personality disorder, so he will not ever be able to be a partner to anyone (until he gets recovery). So ontop of all of the other things, it hardly seems like he is really worth the risk does it?
He can give me nothing but greif. he can not give me anything that looks like a life- even the small cottage, in the mountains with a happy family and nothing else. He can give we nothing, but his childish behavior, his anger and his needyness.
If he wants to pay me to be his nursemaid- fine- from 9-5 mon-fri and I will go home to a husband we can hear me when I am crying in pain or laughing with joy. Someone who will see my crying tears for him and respond to my too. Someone who will appreciate that I feel for my partner because I am a partner. Someone who I don't have to worry about kidnapping my children, or family beating my husband in fromt of me, or potentially my children, or me.
As I said, I am a CSA survivor myself. I have anNPD father and N/BPD step mother who is serial killer kind of crazy and a nuts mother. I have lived through wars, I have seen the worst human rights violations, many of my friends have been tortured to paralysis, or are dead from political assasination. i have things in my head, like how to torture someone to death, step by step, that no one should have in their head for a second- they have been there since before I was 10-
But I manage to go on and to be responsible and not to be borderline because I took the initiative and got recovery. I should expect no less from a person who seeks the right to call himself my partner. And honestly, I am not putting up with BS anymore. I need peace in my life. That is what he said he wanted too- I beleived him. he abused me, brough pain and chaos and conflict and left. I made a consciouschoice to live peacefully several years ago- he tried to mess with that. I was not going to let that happen and I told him so.
What about my feelings? What about the fact that I have not exactly had an easy life either? Maybe he could have supported me the way I did for him. he didn't go out and get materials about ptsd and csa FOR GIRLS OR ANYTHING- not that it ever really came up because I am recovered. but anytime I needed support, or just peace and quiet- it became about him , always about him and how he felt hurt because I was withdrawing (sleeping at midnight), about my being in hospital (selfishly not taking his feelings into account)and it goes on and on and on..whatever- the point is- I could use some TLC once in a while too, I could stand to be treated with respect and not have every little thing be an arguement, or have the most perfect moment marred by crazy threats ("I will take the children away from you if you don't raise them right", while planning our wedding)- un recovered survivors are like vices on a fruit, they sqeeze the life out slowly and then when you are used up, they throw you away from need to get life from somewhere else, because they are hollow shells.
he had his chance. I sent him 1000 pages of recovery materials, including posts from MS- no response. He doen't want it. I don't want to be a wet nurse to s grwn man who is stuck at the emotional age of 5.
The worst part about this is..he was 100% right when he said all those times that he was not good enough for me. He really isn't. Not like this.
Listen to your BF when he says tuff like that. he knows what he is talking about. he knows what he can give and what he can live with.
my 2 cents and a bit of my story. My suggestion to you is to get out. As yu can see, I was still thinking it was worth it to try until recently. Get out now and leave him to hit bottom, because until he does, all you are doing is enabling him. Let him hit hard and maybe he will get better. That's what I would do I were you and I loved the guy.
How can you tell? I don't know.
My guy said "I need you to help me" - that was pretty clear.
Then he walked out of my life forever without looking back.
The first 2 weeks we were together, he made several nasty jikes about me that demonstrated his lack of responsibility and ability to own choices. he appologised by asking me for help in letting him know when he was out of line. A week later, he asked me for help by being patient with him while he learned to trust me, because he said he couldn't trust people. A week later, he threw furniture at me and raged and screamed and interrogated me and threatened me and told me I was "not his father and would never get away with controlling him like his father". Then he spent the next few days like a dog with his tail between his legs. He sent me a letter explaining why he did what he did as an appology- when I read it today, it also was not remorseful or empathetic, but justification after justification and begging me not to leave him or he would die of heart break (I had said nothing about leaving). he asked me for help in being as strong as I am.
Over the course of months, he would bring up topics like "have you ever been depressed? I am" "ave you ever felt alone? I do."..."I feel so angry sometimes and I don't know why" "I have this job so that people will think I am a hero, but the truth is, I can hide here alone." "when I am alone like this, my mind turns and turns and I feel really angry and negative"
I think those were allo asking for help.
I think his admissions that his "anger" issues have destroyed past relationships was a cry for help. he also said it was worse with me and he blames all of the women.
I reaize now there is nothing I can do.
I want to share with you why.
His entire family is abusive. EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY. They all have borderline personality disorder from living with entrenched abouse for generations.
he is the only one with the opportunity and potential to make it out. But he will not.
I will not marry a person with a mentally ill abusive family. Especially since they are an enmeshed culture to begin with (middle eastern)
He is, and I know this is going to sound "bad"- but there are certain facts of life that we have to consider, not really worthy of me. He is not my equal in one respect. He knows it and he said it and he can't live with it. Now, neither can I.
I am a CSA survivor as well, so I know what this is about first hand. I recovered. He hasn't. End of story.
he can not support me in the way I am accustomed and will not try. don't want him to. he gets angry at that. So he also will not allow me to live in a way I enjoy by my own effeorts.
He is not as cultured as I am and that is a problem. he speaks only 2 languages. he has not traveled and has no ambission to. he hates Europe. I am European.
His appearance, both physical and his dress are not what I am accustomed to and are, let's just say, it stands out that I could do better.
We sound like a great match right?
I want to tell you that how I FEEL about him...I love him very much because I know what is really on the inside. he is bright, he has a god sense of humor when he is not afraid, he is athletic and loves nature, he is warm and cuddely. he is the most attractive, sexy and handsome man in the world in my eyes. I am truely in love with him. I don't care about anything else. I just want him.
But on top of all of that, he is a survivor, in otherwords, he has borderline personality disorder, so he will not ever be able to be a partner to anyone (until he gets recovery). So ontop of all of the other things, it hardly seems like he is really worth the risk does it?
He can give me nothing but greif. he can not give me anything that looks like a life- even the small cottage, in the mountains with a happy family and nothing else. He can give we nothing, but his childish behavior, his anger and his needyness.
If he wants to pay me to be his nursemaid- fine- from 9-5 mon-fri and I will go home to a husband we can hear me when I am crying in pain or laughing with joy. Someone who will see my crying tears for him and respond to my too. Someone who will appreciate that I feel for my partner because I am a partner. Someone who I don't have to worry about kidnapping my children, or family beating my husband in fromt of me, or potentially my children, or me.
As I said, I am a CSA survivor myself. I have anNPD father and N/BPD step mother who is serial killer kind of crazy and a nuts mother. I have lived through wars, I have seen the worst human rights violations, many of my friends have been tortured to paralysis, or are dead from political assasination. i have things in my head, like how to torture someone to death, step by step, that no one should have in their head for a second- they have been there since before I was 10-
But I manage to go on and to be responsible and not to be borderline because I took the initiative and got recovery. I should expect no less from a person who seeks the right to call himself my partner. And honestly, I am not putting up with BS anymore. I need peace in my life. That is what he said he wanted too- I beleived him. he abused me, brough pain and chaos and conflict and left. I made a consciouschoice to live peacefully several years ago- he tried to mess with that. I was not going to let that happen and I told him so.
What about my feelings? What about the fact that I have not exactly had an easy life either? Maybe he could have supported me the way I did for him. he didn't go out and get materials about ptsd and csa FOR GIRLS OR ANYTHING- not that it ever really came up because I am recovered. but anytime I needed support, or just peace and quiet- it became about him , always about him and how he felt hurt because I was withdrawing (sleeping at midnight), about my being in hospital (selfishly not taking his feelings into account)and it goes on and on and on..whatever- the point is- I could use some TLC once in a while too, I could stand to be treated with respect and not have every little thing be an arguement, or have the most perfect moment marred by crazy threats ("I will take the children away from you if you don't raise them right", while planning our wedding)- un recovered survivors are like vices on a fruit, they sqeeze the life out slowly and then when you are used up, they throw you away from need to get life from somewhere else, because they are hollow shells.
he had his chance. I sent him 1000 pages of recovery materials, including posts from MS- no response. He doen't want it. I don't want to be a wet nurse to s grwn man who is stuck at the emotional age of 5.
The worst part about this is..he was 100% right when he said all those times that he was not good enough for me. He really isn't. Not like this.
Listen to your BF when he says tuff like that. he knows what he is talking about. he knows what he can give and what he can live with.
my 2 cents and a bit of my story. My suggestion to you is to get out. As yu can see, I was still thinking it was worth it to try until recently. Get out now and leave him to hit bottom, because until he does, all you are doing is enabling him. Let him hit hard and maybe he will get better. That's what I would do I were you and I loved the guy.