advice please (long)

advice please (long)
P

Printer57

Registrant
I am new here, and I want to thank the moderators for your important work. This is the first time I have ever said this to another person: I was raped and abused as a boy.
This was committed by a teen age neighbor. Either I can't or am unable to remeber how it began. Looking back I am now realizing that it was so awful. I haved lived with this for over 35 years.
I am married well over 20 yrs, successful, have children, enjoy a "normal" intimate relationship with my wife. She is my best friend, and trust her in everything.
Here's the thing. Since the clergy scandles have come to the news, I am being bobarded with memories. While I may have thought I had the memories safely tucked away, I feel the guilt, shame, and depression creeping in. I feel like I did when I was that 10 yr old boy, not sleeping at night, terrified that someone would find out what happened.
My question is should I open up to my wife about my abuse? I feel that this is something I need to do, yet before would take the step, I wanted some opinions.
I know that it wasn't my fault, that yes I was a victim, but I have lived with this for so long. In reading the experiences of other victims, I see that perhaps what I chalked up my personality maybe a result of my being abused: I do not like groups of people, never been comfortable in social situations, maybe its why I overweight!
Please forgive me if I haven't followed protcol on this board.
I am extremely interested in whatever responses you may have.
printer57
 
Printer,

I hear you. I'm glad you've found us, although I'm sorry you need this site. You'll find a lot of wisdom here.

Now, as for the I hear you part. I'm going through a tough patch myself, and it seems EVERYTHING is triggering me. While I wasn't abused by a priest, I was abused by someone in authority and it hurts to hear about this crap happening on such a huge scale and covered up on such a huge scale. Throw in the Michael Hackson circus, and it's to the point I can't watch TV or read the newspapers anymore.

I guess the best thing I can offer you is you need to find someone to talk to about this. If you think your wife can hear what you've been through and offer unconditional support, you should tell her. Or find yourself a therapist and see if they can help you find your way through this. But talk to someone. The more you do, the more you'll see (and believe, which is more important) that it's not your fault and you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. I know you said you know that, but sometimes, knowing and believing are two different things.

My brother, I think you'll be okay and I can't wait to see what you contribute here. I'll bet you have a lot to say.

I give this to everyone, so I'll give it to you. I love you, brother Printer, no strings attached.

Peace,

Scot
 
printer,
welcome. it is really difficult to suggest something so monumental to another person. this is something that has been buried for so long and only recently reclaimed your awareness. crisispoint is very correct in saying that if you believe your wife would be able to support you unconditionally then tell her. there is no greater strength then the bond of two people who love each other. that question has to be asked though. it is not so much a question on her character as it is a question on her ability to be able to see through the pain. empathy can be a difficult goal for some. i look back over my former marriage and i have to wonder if my former wife would have had the strength to provide me the same kind of support. she would have tried, i really believe she would have tried her best, but in the end, i don't think she would have had the strength that lady theo does because the road to recovery from csa is so full of pitfalls and delays and so many other things. she would not have had the strength though she would have tried. your wife has been your best friend for 20 years. that is very remarkable in today's world. you both have shared a great deal. if you have seen her empathy in the past, and know her as deeply as 20 years implies, i would believe the answer is already known, but only you can truly answer that, printer. either way, the brotherhood is here to share your journey with you.
 
Printer
Welcome, and I think you're in the right place.

Abuse when we're kids affects us deeply, but as 'men' we're expected to deal with the crap that life throws at us on our own, it's the 'macho' thing. It's rubbish.

I tried for over 30 years, and in the end I had to tell someone. So I told my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary. The first person in my life.
By that time our marriage was a bit ropey, but telling her answered a lot of her questions. At last she had a reason for my behaviours.

From that point on she's supported me totally, and I know that made all the difference to me.
It's the bravest move we ever make, sticking our head over the wall and saying "I was sexually abused as a child"
I can remember the terror I felt, as you must have felt it posting here.

Breaking 'their' secret - the abusers - shatters the hold it has on us, it free's us to start recovery. And recovery is a possibility, a good one at that.
Proper help is recommended, a good therapist who knows about childhood sexual abuse ( CSA ) is a great help.

As for recommending what YOU do, well, that's your choice. But if you have a good relationship then love and trust will carry you both through.
Don't force your decision, you'll know when the time is right.

Stick around though, there's great support, help and friendship here.

Dave
 
Printer listen to what has been said to you.

Unlike you I remembered my abuse totally and whee it led me. I hid that dirty little secret until I was 56. I married my wife 36 years ago and did not tell her or my daughter until I was early into the 60's. They were mad at me for not telling them sooner and are fully supportive of me.

I know what it is like to be uncomfortable but let me tell you something. You have taken the first step and it is a huge one. You have trusted us with the secret. Well Printer it is not your dirty little secret it is the perpetrators and never forget that ok.

But it is a secret no more. It is entirely up to you when you tell your wife but I found that keeping it from Nicole for so long nearly killed me on several occasions.

I welcome you here amongst the best bunch of brothers it has been my privilege to know.

Be good to yourself and trust in your instincts with regards to your, from what I can see, is a truly beautiful partner to have.
 
I am telling my partner in little, manageable bits. My feelings of guilt and shame are still very strong (though I know I am not responsible for what happened to me.) I know that it is okay not to tell everything all at once. I know that I do not ever have to tell everything. I know that I don't have to force myself. I know that it is important that I feel comfortable and safe.

I didn't know this would happen but I have found that telling things here has helped me to verbalize with my partner and others. I have found myself saying things out loud that I used to think would always remain secrets.

My partner has been very supportive and understanding but the symptoms of the abuse I experienced have impacted the relationship and these revelations are impacting its future in both positive ways and challenging ways. We both understand that, after all, we may not end up staying together and that hurts but neither of us thinks that we should consequently hold up or curtail the process of my recovery.

I was abused by older boys from the time I was four or five until I was about ten. I hadn't thought about it before but I think the flashbacks started at about the same time as the clergy abuse thing got going.

I'm glad you're here and drawing on the strength of this group.

Brett
 
Hello Printer, and welcome.

The men who are married will be able to give you their experiences and advice about informing your wife. Usually it is thought that full communication between couples is best. It sounds as though your recalling your abuse is actually a rather recent event for you.

My experience has been that breaking the silence has been mostly good and freeing. There are a few people who get uncomfortable around me and don't want to be a friend, but I have no idea what that is about--it could be that they are survivors as well.

I reject shame. I will not have a drop of it in my blood. I was a powerless teen and he abused his power in a violent way. He did his best to make me feel that I had caused him to rape me--I most certainly did not. He was an adult, and a huge adult at that. So, I hope that guilt and shame can be words you never allow into your head, except in so far as your perp deserves to have many tons of those two feelings.

Thank you for trusting us with your hurt. The men here has all been hurt. We understand.

Bob
 
Thank you all for your replys. I read and re read them several times. I very much appreciate them.
Just for clarification, I have always been aware of my being abused. It seems though that the news coverage of the abuse scandles in the recent past has caused very sharp memories, vivid ones at that, to show up.

Thanks again for your concern & support
printer57
 
Printer, keep your head above the wall...

there is a saying," the teacher will apear when the student is ready". I believe this to be true, as it is how I've been dealing with my abuse. I opened up, a little at a time. And, I've been getting tons of support. I might not have been able to handle it not long ago, but I welcome things now. This site is one of the many tools I've used to help me deal with being drugged and raped as a 16yr old innocent kid. I'm 34 yrs old now...

I also read these posts over and over....

It also takes me a really long time to compose a post or reply, because I, I actually don't know why, but it does....

let your feelings flow brother.... we are here if you need to bounce anything off someone who has similar personality traits. Even if our stories are different, often I can relate to guys on this site because I can honestly say I trust everyone here. I can't say that about most people I know.

Hope you can get some good vibes from us,

ciao for now :)
 
Printer,

I remembered everything and didn't tell anyone for 38 years. I told my wife on our 28th anniversary, two months after I had started therapy when I was 50 years old. I too was 'triggered' by a bunch of stories in the news about a particularly horrific abuse case. It started me on the path to recovery that I'm still on today.

You'll know when it's the right time to tell your wife. I was so afraid of what she's say or do and it was nothing like my fears. She was so supportive and loving. That was almost six years ago and the five years that we had after that had their ups and downs but I'm so glad that I told her about it. She died suddenly last year and I don't think that I could have ever forgiven myself if I hadn't told her about it.

Take good care of yourself, you're among friends here.

Steve
 
Thnak you everyone for your replys. I am still trying to figure out when to tell my wife. Really tough time right now, so knowing you are there really helps.
Stephen, thank you for your reply, and I am very sorry at the loss of your wife last year.
Peace be with you all.
Printer57
 
Printer 57 - sorry you need to be here, but welcome. It appears that we have more than the 57 in common.

I don't have a wife / partner due to trust issues! If you read some of my other postings, you can pick up on them (mostly responses to others).

What I can say is that I like others here, have been triggered by recent Media Coverage. I would make a suggestion, that in your case, it may be an idea to start a conversation with your wife regarding the current Performer v Child court case in America. Her reactions may allow you to identify whether or not you can open up a dialog reagrding your own situation.

Hope this helps.... Rik
*Keep coming here - ther'es a lot of support!
 
I am sorry for what has happened in your life, and how hard things are right now for you. I am glad that you have found yourself here, as this is a place of support and help. I am not sure if it is right, for me to answer your question, as I am not married, and never have been. But I think it is best to tell her, because you will probably have a lot of emotional feelings happening, and she will better be able to understand it. Also, I think honesty is important in any relationship like that. I wish you good luck, whatever decision you make.

Leosha
 
Welcome Painter,

The effects of SA will change our behavior, especially when brought forward. Such as with the clergy coverage as yours is. You may not notice the changes, but if your wife is half awake, she will. These effects will impact her life, not just yours. I believe that she should be informed, at least in the general information, so she can understand the changes in behavior and other problems you may be experiencing.

I lost my wife for keeping it secret. She took the effects to mean something entirely different than what they were. I had my reasons for not telling her, but with 20 years of marriage under your belt, they most likely apply to you.

Take care,
Bill
 
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