Advice on relationship breakdown with girlfriend.

[jjt]

I've been reading the board for sometime now and never registered and decided to post until today. I am just starting therapy and I must say, it's been a terrible process. At this point, I don't see too much good from digging up ALL the most painful events of my life, but I know from reading the posts here it will get better. God knows I can't feel any worse. I have days where I literally walk around totally and completely emotionally devastated. I guess the word to best describe me right now is very confused.

I have not one, but two failed marriages. I know, I know, it took me awhile to try to put two and two together that the reason I have trouble with maintaining intimate relationships might have something to do with my CSA. After my second failed marriage, I met someone who was very, very special. She was probably the most warm, loving and genuine person I have ever met in my life. Things were humming along fine until things started to get very serious and once again I went back to my old pattern of pulling away, sabatoging the relationship by lying to her and picking small stupid fights. I really sat down and thought about what the hell I was going to do b/c I could see myself losing her so I told her what happened to me. To my surprise she didn't run from me because I was such damaged goods. It wasn't easy, and from there everything went downhill because I started acting out even more. Some of things I did I'm am so totally ashamed of. She wanted to make it work and I did things to push her farther and farther away. I now recognize I was "testing" her meanwhile putting her through emotional hell.

Now she is gone. She said the only way she would stay with me is if I sought therapy and of course at the time I refused. (Good for her for laying some tough rules for me) Now, I'm in therapy and she knows that, and she says she is very happy for me. She emails me and checks up on me from time to time and I think she may want to be together again. She hasn't EVER given up on me when at times I've totally given up on myself.

I so want to have her back in my life although I don't feel it's right to allow her in what I think is my shitty, shitty, life. I know I'm still suffering from major self-esteem issues and I feel that I'm not nearly good enough for her. I'm so confused. I don't have many close to friends to confide in, acutally no one I would be able to confide my CSA, and I know that with her I would have someone who could provide me love and the support I so need and want, but I also feel that would be so unfair to her. I so want love and someone to confide in, and yet I also want to protect her from my shitty life (me). Confused.

I want to begin to piece together a real life where I don't always feel like I have to hide from someone b/c I'm so afraid they'll reject the "real" me. The thing is, I'm terrified of f**king up yet again and acting out and being destructive, but at the same time I feel like I do have a better sense of myself and at least have SOME awareness of why I do some of things I do. Now, the true test, can I put what I have learned into practice and try again to accept love? I don't know what to do. Am torn between wanting to try and thinking it would be too unfair to anyone with all the mental baggage I carry. Any advice?

 

[outis]

jjt,

It's a strange feeling, all too common, when someone new posts. It's good for you that you're here, that you are looking at the ways sexual abuse affected you. It's not good that you needed to be here, or to be in therapy.

You've been through two marriages and you know something about the ways you contributed to those breakups. You recognize some of the things that led to breaking up with your ex. Do you recognize the reasons why you first got together? If you want to preserve, maybe strengthen that relationship, why not look at the things you did right? There are no guarantees that you can be romantically involved with her again. If you don't let her decide whether she wants to or not (you keep saying that she deserves better), it may be a moot point. You know, it's not up to you to choose whom she does or doesn't like.

The confusion is real. There is nothing clear cut or sensible about sexual abuse. Right now I just try to make the best decisions I can as they come up. I might decide something differently if I faced it in a different time, when I'm "better," but many times I can't wait to be "better." As an example, my kids are growing up right now. Their youth is not on hold for me to "get better" and be a good Dad. So I do what I can with what I have right now. Your friend's life is not on hold waiting for you to "become worthy."

My advice is to take care of yourself first, because that will be the key to everything else.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[fusionoflove]

Welcome jjt,

I know it's going to hard for you. You probably see a long road ahead and you're not sure what's going to happen. I think that recovery is like life it never ends until our death, but I think it's negative effects on our lives lessens over time.

My sa affected my life to the point that I pushed my last girlfriend, who I deeply cared for, right out the door. At that point, I didn't know why I was doing it. Recovery has helped me realize what I did to sabotage the relationship.

For me, one of the problems I have with relationships is my negative self-image. For example, I want my next girlfriend to know what happened to me. Why? Well, if she leaves me because of it, then it fulfills my belief that I'm damaged goods and no women will love me. If she stays, it makes me feel that she feels sorry for me. Either way, it reinforces a negative self image that I have. I don't want to live like that anymore.

I'm learning to change that. Before the sa, I had a positive self-image. I thought, is the woman good enough for me. After the sa it changed to, am I good enough for her. Big difference and I think it relates back to hell everyone here has been put through.

As far as getting back with your ex-girlfriend, don't worry about it and don't try to push the issue. Work on you and everything else will fall into place. In the end, I'd rather have a good friend that helps me through my difficult time than push the issue of a relationship that leaves me more alone and desperate.

Take it easy,
Fusion

 

[guy]

jjt,
i could have written your post. me too, two marriages and just coming out of a relationship with one of the best woman i have ever had the fortunate opportunity to be with.
yes, i worry of putting anyone thorugh our b.s.
we suffer and then bestow it on others. not nice, fair, but it is what it is and we have done our mis-deeds.
as for her working with you or caring for you. that sounds nice.
i am suffering now too but we have to take one day at a time. it is rough as hell and i am right there with you.
good luck, keep working on yourself as i am trying too. noone knows what the future holds. it just sucks not being able to know, or control it, and the hurt during the process.

take care, guy