Admitting I was excited (Trigger warning)

Winterfr3sh

Registrant
Hey MS.

Before I type this, I want to just say thank you. I admire the men on here who tell their stories, their truth, and the many other helpful men whose replies often deeply touch me. It’s inspiring and sometimes I wish I were more like them; they are so giving whereas I seem to offer less (guilty conscience).
I am actually still in the middle of so much at therapy. Marriage, new jobs, my gay feelings, working with sweet kids. So i am still in the middle of huge stuff.
Anyways, in therapy big bits and pieces have been being recovered. One revelation involves my lost feelings at the times of my molestation. Feelings that were rapid and overwhelming as they occurred, feelings inaccessible due to disassociation during it.

**Trigger Warning**


-When he touched my penis, I was very erect. I was rock hard.
-When he was approaching me, inching his way into my pants, part of me was excited.
-When he breathed heavily, and exhaled in apparent pleasure, part of me was touched and liked giving him pleasure. I even squeezed my dick for him several times,
simulating ejaculation, which made him breathe out so hard and grunt.
-When he put my hand in his pants, part of me was curious and liked feeling him. I was feeling his balls, but he quickly took my hand and directed me to start jerking his big dick.
-Yes he had a very big one. And it took over a decade to connect his big dick and his grunts of pleasure with the fact that I was drawn to that type of pornography - male domination with a big dick.
-When we had that sleepover, part of me was anticipating what he’d try to do to me that night. And yes he tried to finger my asshole.
-When years later he slapped my ass, smiled, and breathed heavily, part of me felt flattered

So with all the above facts in mind, I came to realize some more things:

-He was the first person who I knew sexually desired me
-he was the first person who ever touched me sexually
-he was the first person who I ever touched sexually
-he never asked permission. He just did it. He never asked how I was doing.
-I was so confused and tormented holding it in
-I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young to give consent.
-I’m mad.

I’m also mad that I couldn’t process some of this until over a decade later.

This will probably make my therapist proud, posting this.

ok I’m tired now.
 
Well done and thank you for posting this. I am at church this morning reading and journaling and this is the very topic I am wrestling with. The book I am reading through is having me go back and remember as much as I can and articulating my feelings about the CSA. This morning's focus is on Shame and the aspects of the abuse and aftermath I am ashamed of. So I appreciate your courage to share this. It is helpful.
 

coastal

Registrant
Super brave shares, thank you for your truth and courage.
I have been doing a lot o work both personally through reading anything I can get my hands on as well as with my therapist. Some of it is directly in line with what you are making as realizations from facts. I would urge a little bit of caution and start to wrap some of these realizations with broader facts. Please know that I have no intention of challenging you I only wish for you to consider some broader understandings. As often as possible I refer to the CSA that was committed against me as sexualIZED (caps for emphasis here) these were not sex acts, these were not sexual activities that we participated in, sex, true sex requires consent and as children we cannot give that therefore these cannot be our first acts of sex nor can they be symbols of sexual desire. These were acts of violence committed against us that took on a sexualized format. You cannot have sex with a child in the same way that you cannot have dinner with a pork chop. So often we tie in these early experiences with our genuine desires. For example me being a gay man I was in the trap for years that the abuse that was committed against my body and brain were my first acts of sex, the breaking of my virginity. Now on the other side of a whole lot of work I can see that I was actually a pretty late bloomer and that my first sex, my first chosen intercourse was into my 20s where I actually fully consented to sexual engagement instead of either being abused or acting out, it was a wild realization.
We are made up of fragments of the bits of the stories that we tell ourselves so I believe it is so very important that what we tell ourselves is true. So I would hope you can find a way of challenging these realizations for yourself by taking on a deeper understanding of our shared victimhood and the dynamics actually at play in childhood sexualized abuse. I cannot know the driving factors for you so I will go over your list of realizations from my own scenario
He enjoyed the power he had over me
My body responded naturally to the soft violence it was receiving as it was confused by the power dynamic
I repeated the actions that were displayed for me that I didn't fully understand and because of my vulnerability it felt special and powerful for me too because it seemed to be enjoyed
I was so vulnerable that it felt like there was caring involved but it was just confusion and manipulation
etc etc

It seems to me as a huge part of the problem for all of us in some way and for society to be able to wrap their heads around helping us. These are not sexual acts, no matter how much they liked it or we responded to it, it was not ever sex it was always violence. If we were beaten with fists and clubs instead of sexualized violence there would have been scars and outrage from everyone, instead it is viewed as sex and therefore shamed and silenced.
Much care and support to all my brothers here, may we all continue with the great work we are doing.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Super brave shares, thank you for your truth and courage.
I have been doing a lot o work both personally through reading anything I can get my hands on as well as with my therapist. Some of it is directly in line with what you are making as realizations from facts. I would urge a little bit of caution and start to wrap some of these realizations with broader facts. Please know that I have no intention of challenging you I only wish for you to consider some broader understandings. As often as possible I refer to the CSA that was committed against me as sexualIZED (caps for emphasis here) these were not sex acts, these were not sexual activities that we participated in, sex, true sex requires consent and as children we cannot give that therefore these cannot be our first acts of sex nor can they be symbols of sexual desire. These were acts of violence committed against us that took on a sexualized format. You cannot have sex with a child in the same way that you cannot have dinner with a pork chop. So often we tie in these early experiences with our genuine desires. For example me being a gay man I was in the trap for years that the abuse that was committed against my body and brain were my first acts of sex, the breaking of my virginity. Now on the other side of a whole lot of work I can see that I was actually a pretty late bloomer and that my first sex, my first chosen intercourse was into my 20s where I actually fully consented to sexual engagement instead of either being abused or acting out, it was a wild realization.
We are made up of fragments of the bits of the stories that we tell ourselves so I believe it is so very important that what we tell ourselves is true. So I would hope you can find a way of challenging these realizations for yourself by taking on a deeper understanding of our shared victimhood and the dynamics actually at play in childhood sexualized abuse. I cannot know the driving factors for you so I will go over your list of realizations from my own scenario
He enjoyed the power he had over me
My body responded naturally to the soft violence it was receiving as it was confused by the power dynamic
I repeated the actions that were displayed for me that I didn't fully understand and because of my vulnerability it felt special and powerful for me too because it seemed to be enjoyed
I was so vulnerable that it felt like there was caring involved but it was just confusion and manipulation
etc etc

It seems to me as a huge part of the problem for all of us in some way and for society to be able to wrap their heads around helping us. These are not sexual acts, no matter how much they liked it or we responded to it, it was not ever sex it was always violence. If we were beaten with fists and clubs instead of sexualized violence there would have been scars and outrage from everyone, instead it is viewed as sex and therefore shamed and silenced.
Much care and support to all my brothers here, may we all continue with the great work we are doing.
Thanks for sharing this and everyone else on the thread

Peace
HL
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
I've always had issues with the need some people have to take "sex" out of sexual abuse and characterize it only as violence. In my opinion, it's an oversimplification and a bit dismissive of the gigantic ramifications and complexity of sexual abuse and what makes it a unique form of abuse. I understand the distinction between "sexual" and "sexualized," but the reality is that sexual abuse is rooted in sex--sex organs and sex acts--regardless of the degree of force and violence used by the abuser. To say that a child can't consent and therefore it can't be sex is ignoring the truly brave share that the OP has made here.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Thank you for sharing with us, winterfr3sh. Many of us grapple with the mixed signals our bodies and minds gave us during the abuse.
 
-He was the first person who I knew sexually desired me
-he was the first person who ever touched me sexually
-he was the first person who I ever touched sexually
-he never asked permission. He just did it. He never asked how I was doing.
-I was so confused and tormented holding it in
-I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young to give consent.
-I’m mad.

I’m also mad that I couldn’t process some of this until over a decade later.

This will probably make my therapist proud, posting this.

ok I’m tired now.
This is really helpful to me and gives me insight into why I was missing him the other day, wishing to be with him again. It's not possible he is dead.
 

Horizon

Registrant
I read this when you first posted it. Was trying to come up with a coherent comment. What you wrote is very powerful and strikes home to me

I also responded and enjoyed it sometimes. Even though I knew what was happening was wrong. Our bodies respond to stimuli and it really has little to do with what we do or don't want

Thank you for your courage in writing this
 

Fitz

Registrant
I've always had issues with the need some people have to take "sex" out of sexual abuse and characterize it only as violence. In my opinion, it's an oversimplification and a bit dismissive of the gigantic ramifications and complexity of sexual abuse and what makes it a unique form of abuse. I understand the distinction between "sexual" and "sexualized," but the reality is that sexual abuse is rooted in sex--sex organs and sex acts--regardless of the degree of force and violence used by the abuser. To say that a child can't consent and therefore it can't be sex is ignoring the truly brave share that the OP has made here.
Well said, Alex.
 
I've always had issues with the need some people have to take "sex" out of sexual abuse and characterize it only as violence. In my opinion, it's an oversimplification and a bit dismissive of the gigantic ramifications and complexity of sexual abuse and what makes it a unique form of abuse. I understand the distinction between "sexual" and "sexualized," but the reality is that sexual abuse is rooted in sex--sex organs and sex acts--regardless of the degree of force and violence used by the abuser. To say that a child can't consent and therefore it can't be sex is ignoring the truly brave share that the OP has made here.
100% true, it is tangled up in so many ways you can't just separate it and be done with it.
 
How old were you when this happened?

Know that even though you got some pleasure from the experience, it was still NOT YOUR FAULT!
 
We are wired before birth to respond to stimuli...it releases hormonal responses as we reach puberty that are more pleasurable than many addictive injectables. (Lookup Oxytocin and our drive to experience this feel good hormone). Male excitement and enjoyment is very difficult to conceal and often used by the perps to guilt and shame us into silence - especially in our culture of “sex is adult” “before marriage is dirty or sinful”, “it’s a choice not a physiological response” - the last the biggest lie of all by any measure of unbiased scientific study.

when we realize we had no more control over our hard wired response to stimuli we finally begin to put that guilt and shame back on the Perp,who as the older “teacher”, instigator or even mild aggressor is as guilty as the most violent of rapists where we were minors and unable to consent. Great Job Winterfr3shconnecting the dots and beginning to free yourself from guilt and shame you never deserved.
 
Thank you for sharing. I shared and admitted similar things to my T lFriday. I just let it out told here I hate myself for enjoying it and it still causing responses now. I think how if anyone knows this I will be seen as a broken sick perv. She told me that not how she sees me. I shouldn’t feel shame. I know everyone here has told me the same thing but to me it was bigger as it was face to face. She know everything about me like name address etc versus here. i still am struggling with guilt.

i appreciate your sharing.
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
I struggled in silence for years with dealing with the feelings I had during the 7 months it occurred. Silence, processing brought me to the conclusion in my teens that as an 11 year old that was experience and learning and I participated. I closed off part of myself in my teen years from guys, I gravitated toward dating as many girls as I could and any time a guy wanted to be friends I kept it surface only. In my 20s other experiences happened but I was able to end them quickly and those couple of experiences acted as confirmation that I was the instigator with my best friend's dad. In my 30s I was raising my own kids and my oldest turned 11 and I saw myself in her innocence for the first time in 20+ years. The prison of shame had been unlocked by witnessing how I really was at 11 with my own child, my eyes were opened to the amount of grooming he had done to disguise responsibility and I stepped out of the cage following a mental breakdown and told my wife what happened and for the first time someone was carrying the knowledge besides myself.

Winter please know your story is familiar you are not alone we stand with you.
 
when age of your first abuse = the age of your first child, all hell breaks loose! seems to be a common theme (was for me - first child at 7 months!)
 

hopeandhealing2020

New Registrant
Hey MS.

Before I type this, I want to just say thank you. I admire the men on here who tell their stories, their truth, and the many other helpful men whose replies often deeply touch me. It’s inspiring and sometimes I wish I were more like them; they are so giving whereas I seem to offer less (guilty conscience).
I am actually still in the middle of so much at therapy. Marriage, new jobs, my gay feelings, working with sweet kids. So i am still in the middle of huge stuff.
Anyways, in therapy big bits and pieces have been being recovered. One revelation involves my lost feelings at the times of my molestation. Feelings that were rapid and overwhelming as they occurred, feelings inaccessible due to disassociation during it.

**Trigger Warning**


-When he touched my penis, I was very erect. I was rock hard.
-When he was approaching me, inching his way into my pants, part of me was excited.
-When he breathed heavily, and exhaled in apparent pleasure, part of me was touched and liked giving him pleasure. I even squeezed my dick for him several times,
simulating ejaculation, which made him breathe out so hard and grunt.
-When he put my hand in his pants, part of me was curious and liked feeling him. I was feeling his balls, but he quickly took my hand and directed me to start jerking his big dick.
-Yes he had a very big one. And it took over a decade to connect his big dick and his grunts of pleasure with the fact that I was drawn to that type of pornography - male domination with a big dick.
-When we had that sleepover, part of me was anticipating what he’d try to do to me that night. And yes he tried to finger my asshole.
-When years later he slapped my ass, smiled, and breathed heavily, part of me felt flattered

So with all the above facts in mind, I came to realize some more things:

-He was the first person who I knew sexually desired me
-he was the first person who ever touched me sexually
-he was the first person who I ever touched sexually
-he never asked permission. He just did it. He never asked how I was doing.
-I was so confused and tormented holding it in
-I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young to give consent.
-I’m mad.

I’m also mad that I couldn’t process some of this until over a decade later.

This will probably make my therapist proud, posting this.

ok I’m tired now.
Hey MS.

Before I type this, I want to just say thank you. I admire the men on here who tell their stories, their truth, and the many other helpful men whose replies often deeply touch me. It’s inspiring and sometimes I wish I were more like them; they are so giving whereas I seem to offer less (guilty conscience).
I am actually still in the middle of so much at therapy. Marriage, new jobs, my gay feelings, working with sweet kids. So i am still in the middle of huge stuff.
Anyways, in therapy big bits and pieces have been being recovered. One revelation involves my lost feelings at the times of my molestation. Feelings that were rapid and overwhelming as they occurred, feelings inaccessible due to disassociation during it.

**Trigger Warning**


-When he touched my penis, I was very erect. I was rock hard.
-When he was approaching me, inching his way into my pants, part of me was excited.
-When he breathed heavily, and exhaled in apparent pleasure, part of me was touched and liked giving him pleasure. I even squeezed my dick for him several times,
simulating ejaculation, which made him breathe out so hard and grunt.
-When he put my hand in his pants, part of me was curious and liked feeling him. I was feeling his balls, but he quickly took my hand and directed me to start jerking his big dick.
-Yes he had a very big one. And it took over a decade to connect his big dick and his grunts of pleasure with the fact that I was drawn to that type of pornography - male domination with a big dick.
-When we had that sleepover, part of me was anticipating what he’d try to do to me that night. And yes he tried to finger my asshole.
-When years later he slapped my ass, smiled, and breathed heavily, part of me felt flattered

So with all the above facts in mind, I came to realize some more things:

-He was the first person who I knew sexually desired me
-he was the first person who ever touched me sexually
-he was the first person who I ever touched sexually
-he never asked permission. He just did it. He never asked how I was doing.
-I was so confused and tormented holding it in
-I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young to give consent.
-I’m mad.

I’m also mad that I couldn’t process some of this until over a decade later.

This will probably make my therapist proud, posting this.

ok I’m tired now.
I can relate to being ar
Hey MS.

Before I type this, I want to just say thank you. I admire the men on here who tell their stories, their truth, and the many other helpful men whose replies often deeply touch me. It’s inspiring and sometimes I wish I were more like them; they are so giving whereas I seem to offer less (guilty conscience).
I am actually still in the middle of so much at therapy. Marriage, new jobs, my gay feelings, working with sweet kids. So i am still in the middle of huge stuff.
Anyways, in therapy big bits and pieces have been being recovered. One revelation involves my lost feelings at the times of my molestation. Feelings that were rapid and overwhelming as they occurred, feelings inaccessible due to disassociation during it.

**Trigger Warning**


-When he touched my penis, I was very erect. I was rock hard.
-When he was approaching me, inching his way into my pants, part of me was excited.
-When he breathed heavily, and exhaled in apparent pleasure, part of me was touched and liked giving him pleasure. I even squeezed my dick for him several times,
simulating ejaculation, which made him breathe out so hard and grunt.
-When he put my hand in his pants, part of me was curious and liked feeling him. I was feeling his balls, but he quickly took my hand and directed me to start jerking his big dick.
-Yes he had a very big one. And it took over a decade to connect his big dick and his grunts of pleasure with the fact that I was drawn to that type of pornography - male domination with a big dick.
-When we had that sleepover, part of me was anticipating what he’d try to do to me that night. And yes he tried to finger my asshole.
-When years later he slapped my ass, smiled, and breathed heavily, part of me felt flattered

So with all the above facts in mind, I came to realize some more things:

-He was the first person who I knew sexually desired me
-he was the first person who ever touched me sexually
-he was the first person who I ever touched sexually
-he never asked permission. He just did it. He never asked how I was doing.
-I was so confused and tormented holding it in
-I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young to give consent.
-I’m mad.

I’m also mad that I couldn’t process some of this until over a decade later.

This will probably make my therapist proud, posting this.

ok I’m tired now.
I can relate to being aroused, my cousin gave me the sex talk prior to abusing me, I had an erection which made me make the wrong choice and choose to stay up rather than go to sleep. My abuse was twenty years ago this month, second or third Saturday , I was 16, my cousin 29. After touching me and making me touch him, he slowly went down on me ,I wanted to let him do oral sex on me, i watched him and then froze when his mouth touched my penis , (I can still feel this even today it’s gross) after he went back to touching me, I missed out on him making me orgasm so I felt guilty for freezing and felt like my abuse was incomplete. Yet him putting his mouth down there was enough for negative body memories to surface in my marriage whenever my wife would do oral sex on me, it was never 100% enjoyable because of my cousin abusing me, trying to enjoy oral sex was a mixed bag of pleasure disgust triggering , freezing like the original trauma and a bit of ickiness too, body memory kicking in is like the body throws up a defense, like here we go again, this is more abuse (although of course it is not), for me body memories were the most painful aspect to deal with and work through, I truly believe my cousin will one day pay dearly for the pain and harm he has caused me and I have to work through this shit for the rest of my life, there is no cure, although therapy and support resources like MS help survivors like myself see that I am not alone and I didn’t deserve any of this trauma.
 
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