admiting/accepting what happened is so hard

[sand shore]

Hi,

i would like to share something overwhelming for me recently. Even thought i have knew i was abused i did not realized i am a survivor of abuse for very long time until recently - a situation quite common as far as i can get.
I am trying to give some structure to my recovery, so i found some 12-step-like program from adult survivors of childhood abuse and trying to work through it, and it brings up a lot of stuff.
Reading through the steps i asked myself - did i really admit what happened to me fully and, if yes, what does it mean for me?
Asking those questions has put me in anguish i am trying to express here.
Abused as a child, inside and outside of the family, saying - "they abused me" even quietly to myself is act of rebellion, treason, aggression against my abusers - and i fear they will be back to punish me.
I realized, since people around saw things and did nothing to protect me or help me, i feel everybody in society is fine with me being abused. What people are not fine with is me talking about being abused or even raising this topic.

So, basically, when i really admit to the full extend what was happening, i am one against EVERYBODY.

I am trying to repeat to myself like a mantra "i am not alone, it's never too late, recovery is possible, it's not my fault", but it's not what i feel. I feel extremely alone, isolated, completely controlled by my abusers, even through they are not around i am still crippled by consequences of the abuse and they totally got away with anything they wanted to do to me, there is no justice for me, impossible - for me it's a sign society is for THEM, not for me. If i raise my voice as a victim, survivor - rebel, troublemaker, terrorist.

So, yeah, "it's never too late, recovery is possible" - i need to believe in, otherwise anguish and grief will crush me.

But what other options do i have? There is denial - i have tried that. Lying to myself nothing happened, or minimizing effects - yes, it happened, but it didn't affect me.
Other option - self-destruction. But this is what my abusers wanted - to destroy and damage me - do i really want to finish their job? No.

Now, i don't want anything, too tired to make sense of the past, just trying to take one day at a time.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Dreamer]

Thank you for your words. What you express is how I feel, and I believe many of us. I was also very terrified to admit and eccept what had happened for 45 years. I could not get past the idea that if I told, they would kill me. To this day I still have those feelings, but they have gotten better with therapy. Once and awhile the paranoia sets in. I am just discovering that others knew all along and did nothing to help me. This has been devasting, and once again solidified that I am on my own, no one will help me. But I now know that’s just not true. I now know others from this site and other interactions with abused males. We are strong, we have always survived alone, but now we are stronger together and safe.

 

[Strangeways]

You're not alone. We're with you. Moreover, I believe there are thousands and thousands more of us who don't understand what happened to them, who have no words for what happened to them, who would never believe that they are one of us. But they are.

Healing IS possible. It is NEVER too late. By being here, by writing about what happened ... you are STRONG. Never forget that. By being here, by talking about it, you are one of the strongest ones.

 

[traveler]

sand shore -

you are not alone. there are nearly 14,000 registered members here at MS - as well as unknown hundreds or thousands who are not registered.

yes, it may seem like all of society is against you, but many who are not survivors would be sympathetic if they knew and understood.

however, i know that the smaller circle of family and acquaintances that we know as children seems like the whole world to us. i know how it feels to think that everyone is against you. but you can change that thinking and feeling. it takes time and repetition and patient practice - but you are doing the right thing. keep repeating your mantra:

"I am not alone, it's never too late, recovery is possible, it's not my fault."

and we at MS will reinforce and confirm all of those facts.

acceptance is a necessary step that is an important part of healing. it is also very difficult and painful. you are on the right track. it will get better.

Lee

 

[sand shore]

guys, thank you for supporting me, words fail me now, i feel so blessed being able to come and share here

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[sand shore]

@James, thank you for your answer and your share. If i may, can i ask you to clarify something about what you shared: you wrote you used to think your abusers wanted to harm you - does it mean now you see it differently?
Thank you.

 

[Luckylarry1]

Hey Sand shore, I've read what you have put out on this site. My experience was similar, yet not the same as a child.
I had a mild case of polio and my dad took it upon himself not to have a cripple as a kid. I was taken from the local hospital and hidden for many years until the State gave up on trying to make me a ward of the State for treatment. My dad did so very much to rebuild my muscles and ability to move. Along with that was teaching me "how to be a man". That did include him fondling me and requiring me to experience a "real man's hard cock and understanding what made things relax. Hell I didn't know that his approach was anything but what a dad did for his son.

Once in high school I realized that I had been lead astray, although at the time I knew that the pressure was uncomfortable but what I had to do to understand becoming a man. Hell, I even openly talked about my "fishing trips" with dad to mom and she always told me that she was glad that I had fun. Oh hell, did I ever become embarrassed and angry at my dad, but only because society told me that it was bad.

Hell not only did I never thing that dad was trying to hurt me, I was a naïve 10 yrs. old, but I actually then worked at being better at what he was grooming me to do.

 

[Luckylarry1]

Once I got my mind str8 I was inducted into the Navy, avoiding the draft in 1966 I was. Nine months after being in the Navy I was a crewman in a helo crew on a carrier in Nam for Search and Rescue. One night while working on the a/c sonar I was raped by a pilot and superior. I that knew that it was wrong, I was supposed to be an adult, I objected and was threatened. I had performed similarly as a child so I got through the night.

OMG that was just the beginning of my trek through hell, which is just now leading me to a clearing in the forest of tangled vines and thorns.

I do wish you health in understanding what and where you were hurt and can find solice with it. God knows I haven't yet.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Luckylarry1

I hear of men getting raped and then they carry on and tell how it happened to them as children as well. Why does this happen over and over again? Do we have a sign or something that says we are available for abuse and/or rape. This happens so often. I am really sorry this happen to you.

Take care
Esterio

 

[WG]

Hey sand shore - Don't know if I'll say anything new here - the 12 steps are there to bring something out in the reader. Feelings, deep emotions, etc. That's the purpose. Just like any 12 step program - it's meant to make you think and do some work on yourself since you can only change you anyway. I never told anyone for close to 50 years. No one knew - but my wife of 36 years thought something was "off kelter" about me. Not much desire for sex, don't enjoy being touched, distant at times, easily startled, low opinion of myself and on and on. One night I finally said I had been abused - she asked if I thought maybe counseling would be in order. I tried 2 different times and they were not a good fit. Finally landed with my current therapist and have done a lot of work in those areas. I'd like to say we now live in the Playboy Mansion and I wear pajamas and a crimson silk smoking jacket. Actually I'm just an average 65 year old guy next door - but with a better life because I took the words to heart and sought help with something that had plagued my life up to then. It still tries to and I counter the thoughts with what I've learned in therapy. Sure, I get down, I get sad, I miss who I was (because I really never knew him) and I have good days and bad days. For lack of being able to say it better (and I know this sounds all New-Agey and such but) : I am now more at peace with myself.
Stay with it. Don't give up or give in. We're here to walk with you. Keep working at it.

 

[WG]

Hi Luckylarry1 - I think you and I are pretty close in age. While I didn't get drafted to Vietnam, I sometimes wondered about the boot camps or when troops were out at sea - not erotically, just that since I knew so much already about sex, it would come to mind. I honestly want to say I'm sorry for what was done to you.
Like Esterio said : Do we have a sign on our backs saying we're available? I've had men come on to me - and I have said "You must be hard up to come on to a 65 year old guy." They usually get some sort of goofy grin and they turn away.

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[sand shore]

Thank you for your deep share and insight. I am moved by what you shared, but do not know how to react. My relations with father was completely different, i don't think he molested me, but he several times literally almost killed me, and my existence was something he deeply detested, for example he arranged for me to be a prop for a play where he played and my only role was to be killed by him and that lay dead for an hour, and it will be repeated time after time, and i will be disallowed to leave on rehearsals - still must stay dead. so, yeah, very different kind of abuse, but what you describe about being approached in some particular way by others - this is something i can relate to and i am also confused/not clear about motives of others - did they like me or did they wanted to fuck me.
I think this is something to do with survival - i was scared af during abuse, i had to pretend it didn't happen, i needed to love my parents - all this together produces some communication style which broadcasts some really weird thing.
also i find is scary to see a man in myself (if i understood you correctly), the man which, frankly speaking, looks pretty much like my father. what is this man up to?.. is he dangerous? can i trust him? who am i?

 

[JamesM]

D