Addiction vs Healing

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Ferguson

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I started coming here in 2010 and I have a tendency of being here for a month or so and then disappearing. I'd like to be more consistent but I can't promise anything.

Progress? or am I getting worse? It is hard to be objective when you are the subject. I just lost two friends: one because I reacted a bit strongly to something, and the other I don't know why - is that why I'm back?

I have been in an SA 12 step group for 18months and have seen my sexual and emotional history in a more complete light. I now see that like someone forced to take drugs and becoming addicted that way, I was forced into sex and the High of the fake connection somehow hardwired into me. It is all making more sense: becoming a rent boy, compulsively self-harming, etc in the light of addiction. However as I tend to swing into the next thing 100% to the detriment of other good habits, I think I have neglected therapy (at least what I can get here in the UK). They have been good about CSA at SA and have not made me feel like I was responsible where I was not but their focus is on "our part". In fact they encourage seeking therapy if needed but it is not the place for therapy. This has helped me see where I not only enjoyed the attention after the first abuse initiation (even if I froze and mostly did nothing) I went out and sought it eventually. Progress is having the courage to see it all, not just as the various levels of coping mechanistic versions. So yes I have progressed in my usually up and down kind of way.

Another area is "just letting the truth talk" - I am less compulsively trying to analyse it all - remember it all - order it all. A good example is a memory about a school teacher who liked sex with boys. He killed himself when due in court in Holland in the late nineties. I always felt slimed by him. The way he taught sex ed! The moment he rubbed himself (clearly with something in his pocket) up against me, the world darkened. I do not know if more happened - there is room in my mind for anything. But for sure I'm ok with processing what I already remember!! So progress. I am less in a rush. Accepting the processing.

Yes progress once again. Addressing addiction -experiencing results. On the other hand I've been neglecting being with others to keep me from slipping back into denial (not the "I'm perfectly alright" kind. But the sort that says - "it's all been sorted now" kind of lies).

I am still afraid but at least I don't feel I have to pretend I'm in control when I'm not.

Pleased to be back. Like the new site format. Thanks once again to the servants of the site.

Ferguson
 
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