Addiction and Survivors

Addiction and Survivors
E

Em

Registrant
I've noticed that many fellow survivors have had, and are still having battles with addiction. Chemical and otherwise. I myself have been battling some addictive behaviors, eating, not eating, working out, pornography. As well as a dependence on sleeping pills to get to bed at night. It may not be a good idea for me to rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep. I know some of the survivors I have talked to have discussed problems with alcohol and drugs, as well as pornography and food issues.

I would like to know more about the links between addiction and being a survior, and maybe some resources that could be helpful to overall recovery. I'm only now starting to learn that some of my behaviors are harmful. I learn this only after I see things more clearly from the start of recovery.

Maybe this is a discussion that could begin since it seems to be an issue so many survivors share.

Thanks

Em
 
Em I wish I had some answers but I only have some observations. In case you didn't catch it in the other posts, I myself was (is) an alcoholic. As you read the things I've written below, please keep in mind that these are only thoughts and not my hard core opinions. here goes...

What strikes me about the addictions and ailments we as survivors suffer from, is how often we fail as a group to understand that the abuse is the root cause of these things. I tackled my alcohol problem without having any idea that I was using alcohol to suppress the victimization issues.

There are those who say that not every alcoholic is an abuse victim, but every abuse victim is an alcoholic (or under the influence of some other addiction). I am beginning to wonder myself how many of the drunk drivers reported in the papers and on the news are really under the influence of abuse. How many of the people we know at work that cant resist having one to many at the company Christmas party are victims as well. Has anyone else noticed that there is at least one falling down drunk person at any wedding theyve attended? Ive been that person.

Here is another thought. I, at more than one time in my life aspired to be a police officer, and as I met more abuse victims, I found that at least two became officers, and one just couldnt pass the physical because of his other ailments. I think its in us to seek law enforcement, and similar respect demanding positions in an attempt to boost our self esteem and validate our self-worth, not to mention the ability to put the bad guys away. How many of us are fire fighters doing something that makes us feel good about ourselves? How many are lawyers? Probably not many lawyers because I suspect the self-esteem issues made us think we were not capable of making it through all those tough college courses.

Does anyone else like to wear t-shirts that bolster our coolness with the stuff thats written on them? Come on, really be honest here, how many of us were going out to the bar and asked themselves what would be cooler to wear? Hmmm, the Super bowl Pats or the Mets, Yankees subway series, or maybe I should wear the one Pete brought back from Woodstock 99?

I think about this sometimes. I think about all the things that affect us, and I think about all the statistics out there, one in six men one in four men one in ten men. Nobody talks or likes to admit, or sometimes doesnt think the game that man played with them is abuse, so there is no way to know, but we all know the number is high. And I find myself sitting in class, on a train, my kids play or walking around the school science fair and I try to pick us out. Which ones are in our club? Have you ever done that? I find myself in a room that has eighty to a hundred men and I know theyre out there, with me at that very moment no matter which statistic you believe. Which ones? That slim man in the nice suit holding his wifes hand? No, probably not, how about the big guy, a little unkempt, sporting the property of NASCAR shirt with his cell phone hanging out as another symbol of importance? Could be him, but you just cant go up and ask, Hi, excuse me, can I ask you a personal question?

I was watching COPS on television the other day and saw this one poor guy; he didnt strike me as the happy go lucky type. He was married, overweight, had drugs on him, and was out looking for a prostitute. Now I readily admit that maybe even this guy might not have been abused as a kid, but those signs screamed out at me. But lets assume for a moment Im right about this one. The police certainly wont help him find the root cause of his troubles. Maybe the court will help him receive treatment for the drug addiction but my bet is this guy would not even make the connection between his abuse and all his problems, and you cant fix what you dont know is broke.

I think part of the answer is getting this problem out in the open, somehow get to the point where we can discuss these issues openly. But how can you do that in a society that uses a hundred names for a penis except the word penis?

I wish I had more answers than questions.
 
Hi Em,
I would say that I am addicted to mood altering things. For a long while it was alcohol (I was sober for 17 years as of the 14th) But I still like to have a bottle of my anti anxiety drug close in case of a panic attack--I am dependent on that in a sense--, i.e. I get nervous when I put my hand in my pocket and find it is not there.

I overate because I am forever nervous and I feel insecure alot. For a long time, I just ate without thinking. I do better with that now. But food does cover lonliness for a short while.

The reason I drank alcohol was because when I did that at night, I did not have such awful flashbakcs and nightmares. But mostly, it was a time when I was trying to not take anti-anxiety drugs. I wanted off them so I substituted alcohol. When I realised that I had gone from one drink at ight to considering four, well, that was familiar to me. Both of my parents were alcoholics who never got into recovery. I went to AA and asked them to help me keep from drinking.

For me, the connection I see is that I want to stop feeling bad and uselss, and damaged and nervous because since I was betrayed I have felt all of those things way to powerfully and waty too much.

The support I have gotten from a superb therapist, and a superb therapist that directs my MS group, as well as the kind thing people say and point out to me here, these make me feel that I am moving away from the stressors that lead me to abuse stuff.

Does any of that make any sense to you? That is just my experience. I am sure that there would be some clinicla evident if you did a google search.

Peace!

Bob
 
I'm addicted to sex, spending money, and binge eating.

I went into a hospital treatment program for the sexual addiction and go to 12-step meetings (SAA/RCA). When I'm not actively pursuing my sexual addiction, I find myself turning to spending money or overeating as a way to numb out--anything to not feel.

When I find myself doing these things, I purposefully ask myself what I'm feeling. I usually end up with a myriad of different feelings, all going on at the same time. I'm not sure why I would want to stuff all of my feelings, but it seems that I am very uncomfortable with any type of feeling as long as it doesn't make me feel immediately better.

This is all stemming from my family of origin where I dissociated and used sex and obsessive hobbying and stealing as coping tools. I find it difficult today to enjoy my many hobbies because they are linked to trauma. At the same time, I get pleasure out of being able to accomplish something of meaning for me.

Take care,
Scotty
 
Em,

There are lots of addictions. I've even been addicted to Twix Bars, at least that was back when I had an extremely high metabolism.

It's kind of a way to numb yourself and remove yourself from your feelings. Not good. I still have several to break. Like when I am feeling down, I like to spend all my money so I am broke. Although I do have a nice collection of bird prints, many that still need to be framed, but again, I am out of wall space.

Take care,
Bill
 
I have never actually been 'addicted' to anything. I have at times routinely gone into the same negative ways of coping, but I do not know that I feel it an active 'addiction', because I can go without doing it for long periods of time, then do it for short while and stop again. But when I was 'using' alcohol more in recent weeks, I started to realize that I could feel the 'need' for it. And that scared me, because I never have been addicted to anything, and don't want to be...but it showed me some that maybe I could get there, and don't want that. So I am learning now to watch myself rather carefully.

leosha
 
Em,

I think Bill_1965 said it best:
It's kind of a way to numb yourself and remove yourself from your feelings. Not good.
Click to expand...
I love his comment, "Not good." Very understated and very true. Any time we try to numb our feelings and run from them(like me), it's not good at all.

How do I numb out? Overeating, pornography, overspending, and binge drinking('periodic' drinking). As a matter of fact, last weekend and the last two nights have seen me falling back into the drinking to get myself obliterated. After five years dry. Sigh. Back to AA.

The important thing is to face the feelings. When I do, when I don't try to run from them, when I don't try to deny them, including the anger, fear, and hatred I am currently feeling for the two people who raped me physically and emotionally, I am not tempted to go after those addictions.

Tom
 
Em - my addictions were peanuts & alcohol...still use both but they are under control now!

The worst addiction I had was lack of self belief for 34 years....that's the main one I'm getting rid of!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Guys,

I just reread the last line of my previous post. I am bloody embarrassed that I could have been so dumb as to say what I did. Of course I'm still tempted to use those addictive agents; otherwise, they wouldn't be addictions, now would they? What I meant to say is that in facing my feelings what seems to be an onrushing tsunami washing away any chance to stay sober, etc., now seems to be not so intimidating.

Tom
 
I think it is a big part of our society's "band-aid" thinking that allows people to focus on the treatment of addiction, instead of the reasons why they are addicted in the first place. And it gives you a nice focus away from the reasons too. "I'll just focus on getting over my addiction instead of what my step-dad did to me."

That's my experience with it anyway. For me, drinking is not only about escape and filling the hole inside, but also recreating the state of not remembering. It has been a big part of my recovery to realize that I don't have to remember every detail of my abuse in order to be believed or accept that it happened. Drinking helps to recreate the state that just because something happens when I'm drunk and I don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Am I making any sense?

I think addictions serve to a) fill voids inside us; b) escape reality; c) serve as nice distractions, both while addicted and getting over addictions from focusing on the root causes; and d) sometimes recreate feelings of abuse or how we coped with them as a child. For example, I knew one girl who was bulimic in high school. She told me that after her uncle molested her when she was a child, she threw up. Later on, she started throwing up to recreate that coping mechanism that her body naturally used when she was little.

These are just my thoughts/experiences. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

-Sean
 
I was very addicted to sex for most of my life, and it nearly cost me my marriage. I like to think of it as an unhealthy coping strategy instead, though. I have had many of those. Racing bicycles was a real escape. I could run from my problems, punish myself with brutal racing and training, and prove my manliness all in one activity. It was one of the many things I did that would make the world think I was happy and healthy.

I was looking for ways to feel good, in a life where I didnt have much reason to feel good. I once caught myself in a therapy session, bragging, saying how lucky I was that I wasnt addicted. I quickly gave the big pause, and realized I was. sure mine was different, but I was every bit as addicted to sex as any drug or drink.

I still use food and pop to comfort myself, and they are kind of the lingering elements of some of my less successful methods of coping. I have discovered as I have healed, they have lost their power to an extent. I have gained control as I realized what was driving me. Im not perfect, but I am doing better in even these areas of my life.
 
I have had addictions all my life but alcohol and other chemicals were my drugs of choice. I firmly believe that I have an addictive personality coupled with a genetic link (both my grandparents on my fathers side died active alcoholics)Why did I choose to drink? Primarily to make me feel different to how I was feeling (which was lousey), but in the end it was my anger (at my abusers)that drove me to distructive drinking. Anger pure and simple, trouble is I havnt a clue what to do with it, even today. I also drank to forget the things I had done with them.

I last drank 23rd December 2003 because I had to have my best mate put to sleep. I didnt know what else to do except scream a lot. Other addictions are making myslef throw up, I literally get a rush from it, I do it most mornings, if I dont I feel as though I havnt washed properly. Masturbation with and without soft porn became a full time job during my adolesence, my father told me I would go blind. I put in a request for a guide dog, trouble was three weeks after my fathers comment I was prescribed to wear glasses!

I can never eat just one chocolate I have to wolf the whole box back same with most things i gain pleasure from. One of my personailty traits is I dont know when to stop. Did my abuse cause my addictions? I'm not sure but it sure as hell compounded it. For thirty odd years I was a topper upper type drinker now I would class myself as a binge drinker, I dont fool myself into thinking I'll never have another drink, with my track record It's almost a certainty that I will. But when "dry" I do take it "one day at a time". I have spent nearly five years in and out of psychiatric hospitals and differing treatment centres that I beame addicted to Hospitals and detoxes so much so that I became a bed hopper when homeless.

Oh yeah.. It was a lot easier to sleep rough at certain times of the year when drunk.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
Ah, addictions.

I've been pretty open to mine. the major ones are caffeine (still using to stay awake, but if it's the only chemical vice I can carry around, so be it) and overspending. This I'm trying to get under control, but that instant-gratification thing is SO hard to ignore. Still, it's worth the struggle because not controlling it has put me in a pretty big hole.

Now, alcohol, I'm still not sure of. When under pressure, I've been getting the cravings to binge-drink. Self-medicating, you understand, but I also think there's a bit of the suicidal streak that goes along with it. If I start binge-drinking, I know the next time it will be to death. I came close the last bender I went on.

And yet, in social situations, I like a drink. I enjoy the pint of Guinness or hard cider. And a shot or two of schnapps is all right. But I think it's best to avoid it because who the hell knows when the next craving will hit and the source of abuse will be in front of me? It's very hard to "tough out" the urge if it is.

The addictions, I guess, come from everything I've endured, and not just the SA. I was EA'd by my father, sibling occasionally, and my peers, which always made me feel small. It's just so damn easy to feel good, even for a short time, when you buy something you REALLY don't need or can't afford, or drown it with booze or drugs.

But in order to completely heal, I HAVE to attack it. I have no choice. My life has GOT to be mine.

I think I'm rambling. I hope this helps.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Guys I am a long time member of AA and a recovered Heroin user. I was also addicted to porn and acting out. They were all coping mechanisms for me to tune out or find relief. And they become addictive all of then. And I know now that I am an addictive person. I have been able to halt them by just saying "Not Today". No promise forever (thats way to long).

I did take up working out to replace my other addictions about 16 months ago and it has been a god send for me. I am now eating properly and working out and am starting to see the results after 16 months. At 63 I getting back into shape. It is now an addiction but I will take eating properly and working out over anything else. One by product is rotator cuff injury to both shoulders but I am in therapy for that. I tried to do too much to fast. But isnt that the way of all of us. Hurry up and get better. Find a magic pill. Well it aint there for us.

Try it guys you might just find it works for you. It also does an hell of a lot for your self image. As I have said before we ae unique as humans. We can make choices and we have the intelligence to put those choices into action.

And we are all here for the same reason.
I stop because I am afraid I am babbling.
 
Thanks for your replies to the post. Upon further research on the subject and my own recent experience, I've come to two conclusions that I have no doubt about. Some of your replies have pretty much stated these.

1. You can't just stop doing a bad behavior, you have to replace it with a positive one. I'm working to replace my behaviors, there are healthy coping mechanisms.

2. You have to take it a day at a time. Sometimes and hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. "I can't say that I wont do (your behavior)tomorrow, but I can say I wont do (your behvaior) today."

This entire process of recovery runs so much deeper then just dealing with the past. It's changing your entire way of thinking, feeling, and acting.

Em
 
Em - I got a name for myself as 'The Last Man Standing'...I could be relied on to be the last person that was actively drinking at any party I ever went too!

I still do sessions, not as frequently & I don't have to be 'The Last One in Control'. *Previously if everyone collapsed before me, then I knew I was safe!!!!
 
Rick
I was also the 'last man standing' for many years, and I think I came close to being a full alcoholic. A doctor would have said I was anyway.
I got bitchy if I didn't the minimum amount of alcohol each night - just enough to get merry. But if I got the chance to get hammered I was there !

Then I got chronic cluster headaches and alcohol was a major trigger - however much I denied it. But in the end I had to stop drinking to ease the severe pain that I got 2 or 3 times daily for an hour or so a time, and I didn't drink for nearly 10 years.
The cluster headaches went from chronic to periodic - I get about 4 to 6 weeks a year now - and I started drinking again, but nothing like I did. Once I can feel the effect I stop now.

I'm trying hard to stop smoking, but again that's a relaxing thing. I'm down to a cigar each evening now.

someone mentioned acting out, and that was a true addiction for me. Sex addiction isn't an endless line of supermodels lining up before us. It's a chronic state of thinking about sex 24 / 7. Searching porn sites for the 'perfect image'. Sexualizing everything and everyone around us
I can remember that the gear shift knob on a Land Rover I had felt sexual to me and I would drive along caressing it with my mind racing about possible acting out chances I might have during that day.
Just how sexy can a f****g gear shift be ?

What came first - the abuse or the addictive personality ? the chicken or the egg ?

Dave
 
Hello,
I have no idea if this will actually post so excuse me if I screw up.
I am currently seeking counselling for issues related to childhood sexual and physical abuse by family members. i am married to the most wonderful person on earth, and I mean that. I have two wonderful children and a pretty solid career. I have created many problems over the past years with my marriage because of an affair and other sexual addictions (namely internet porn and chat lines) I am at great risk of losing everthing because of the things I have done. i just want everything to be good again. My wife has stood by me and put up with a lot of crap from me, but I feel I may lose the most important thing in my life..her.
so there it is.....
I hope counselling and maybe this group will help me.
 
Hey fellow Canuck you are not alone with your fears believe me. I have been married to a wonderful woman for alomst 37 years and have a lovely daughter 23. I was abused as a teenager and became a male prostitute. I acted out also over the years until I was almost 57 when I sought help. I was terrified of losing them. Finally the whole sorry story came out and both my Wife and Daughter got really mad at me for now telling them because had they know they would have understood my behavior. God I love them.

And welcome to the group of the greatest bunch of guys it is my privilege to know.
 
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