Acting Out
Acting Out
- Thread starterStruggling
- Start date
AshSurvived
Registrant
I wanted to add something, because now I have a different perspective, rather I am gaining a different perspective, on acting out.
I have been acting out for about 10 years in the sense of reliving my abuse constantly. It was because I accepted myself as a pervert and decided I ought to stop supressing my 'natural' urges and just do what comes 'naturally'. Only the past few days have I been reading about Bondage and Survivors and realised the impact of my actions. I have stopped dead as of 4 days ago. Stopped going to bondage sites, stopped fantasising, the lot. I can't say it's over and gone from my system, but now that I realise I have totally fucked up my life by acting out and 'accepting', myself I am scared to even give an inch back to my abusers, shit-scared.
Acting out all the time has kept me locked in the cycle of abuse, has kept me a little hurt boy. I mean quite literally: I look like a little hurt boy when I act out, my body tenses and shape-shifts and my entire demeanour changes; my wife has witnessed it many times.
Now I am trying my best to understand all the physical and emotional changes that take place when I feel the urge to act out... and I try to come to this site or the chat and deal with those feelings in some way, and try to feel some positive vibes instead of wanting to hurt and humiliate myself.
I have also realised that when my wife tries to be intimate and I act 'childish', I'm not acting, I AM a child, the further it goes, the further I regress, and that scares me too. As you can see, the seriousness of all this has come crashing down on me this week thick and fast and really shocked me into awareness.
I have been acting out for about 10 years in the sense of reliving my abuse constantly. It was because I accepted myself as a pervert and decided I ought to stop supressing my 'natural' urges and just do what comes 'naturally'. Only the past few days have I been reading about Bondage and Survivors and realised the impact of my actions. I have stopped dead as of 4 days ago. Stopped going to bondage sites, stopped fantasising, the lot. I can't say it's over and gone from my system, but now that I realise I have totally fucked up my life by acting out and 'accepting', myself I am scared to even give an inch back to my abusers, shit-scared.
Acting out all the time has kept me locked in the cycle of abuse, has kept me a little hurt boy. I mean quite literally: I look like a little hurt boy when I act out, my body tenses and shape-shifts and my entire demeanour changes; my wife has witnessed it many times.
Now I am trying my best to understand all the physical and emotional changes that take place when I feel the urge to act out... and I try to come to this site or the chat and deal with those feelings in some way, and try to feel some positive vibes instead of wanting to hurt and humiliate myself.
I have also realised that when my wife tries to be intimate and I act 'childish', I'm not acting, I AM a child, the further it goes, the further I regress, and that scares me too. As you can see, the seriousness of all this has come crashing down on me this week thick and fast and really shocked me into awareness.
Hi Ash,
that's a real hurdle it sounds like you've jumped over! Be gentle with yourself......and try not to judge any of the acting out you have done. You don't deserve to feel any shame about any of it, and it's my personal opinion, that it's ok to acknowledge any enjoyment you did get from it for what it was at that time. You are beginning to move away from that now and that's good a good thing, as you sound ready for that change.
The 'childlike' behaviour you mention, both my bf and myself have had too. I've acted out within that too, though he hasn't(at least not with me). I actually only came to realise that's what it was about a month ago and it shocked me too. These things are SO complicated aren't they? To me, it has felt scarey and I've not been sure of who I am without that. But at least it's movement. I believe it's a step in the right direction of reclaiming personal power? But still important to remind yourself that it's ok if you enjoyed parts of the other things you did.
NO SHAME, OR JUDGEMENT.
peace
Beccy
that's a real hurdle it sounds like you've jumped over! Be gentle with yourself......and try not to judge any of the acting out you have done. You don't deserve to feel any shame about any of it, and it's my personal opinion, that it's ok to acknowledge any enjoyment you did get from it for what it was at that time. You are beginning to move away from that now and that's good a good thing, as you sound ready for that change.
The 'childlike' behaviour you mention, both my bf and myself have had too. I've acted out within that too, though he hasn't(at least not with me). I actually only came to realise that's what it was about a month ago and it shocked me too. These things are SO complicated aren't they? To me, it has felt scarey and I've not been sure of who I am without that. But at least it's movement. I believe it's a step in the right direction of reclaiming personal power? But still important to remind yourself that it's ok if you enjoyed parts of the other things you did.
NO SHAME, OR JUDGEMENT.
peace
Beccy
I don't have much to add here as I am stuck in the middle of this same thing.
What I would like to do is give a BIG THANK YOU to the partners of survivors that continue to try and understand their partners struggles.
Just please remember, we are even more confused than you are about our own actions.
Thank you!
What I would like to do is give a BIG THANK YOU to the partners of survivors that continue to try and understand their partners struggles.
Just please remember, we are even more confused than you are about our own actions.
Thank you!
1islandboy
Registrant
Thank you for bumping this Kathryn,
To much for me to digest in one setting, now I have it in (my stuff).
island
To much for me to digest in one setting, now I have it in (my stuff).
island
I figured I'd bump this up again as well. I haven't been able to read the whole thing, but what I have read makes a lot of sense when I look at some things that have gone on in my life. Underlying so much seems to be a sense of zero self-worth and an attitude that doesn't really care. Not all the time, but often enough to lead to unhealthy behaviors. I don't want that anymore.
Eric
Eric
Eric,
I like what you had to say. I too haven't read the entire post, but I know I've acted out. I've acted out and am ashamed for acting out.
I hated the mindset I got into from my abuser and from my family members that I was some kind of subordinate that is there to serve people and be a fucking doormat.
That is why I finally have learned how to cut people out of my life.
I've also learned that WHAT I WANT for ME is the god damn most important fucking thing in my life. Not what other fucking people think they want me to be or for me.
This is me taking the fucking power back from my abusers and taking it into my fucking HANDs and holding it.
This feels so damn good to be assertive in my life.
Charlie
I like what you had to say. I too haven't read the entire post, but I know I've acted out. I've acted out and am ashamed for acting out.
I hated the mindset I got into from my abuser and from my family members that I was some kind of subordinate that is there to serve people and be a fucking doormat.
That is why I finally have learned how to cut people out of my life.
I've also learned that WHAT I WANT for ME is the god damn most important fucking thing in my life. Not what other fucking people think they want me to be or for me.
This is me taking the fucking power back from my abusers and taking it into my fucking HANDs and holding it.
This feels so damn good to be assertive in my life.
Charlie
givemestrength
Registrant
Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here for a long time but this is the single mosy powerful and helpful thread I have read...perhaps timing is the key as I have recently "caught" my husband acting out on the internet after a long period of him disengaging (poor choice of word I know but thats all i got right now) from such activity.
Every time it feels like the first time and we are now putting measures in place so hopefully it will not happen again...I am the most deflated but also the most hopeful I think I have been...anyway this is a story for my own thread but just wanted to say to all those who have participated in this thread thankyou! You have reminded me of things that are too easy to forget and clarified others. Particularly Hopeful wife and walking south ...your words really spoke to me so thanks...
*sigh* this is such a hard road but as long as you don't lose yourself in the process I believe, for me atleast, it's worth it.
I haven't been on here for a long time but this is the single mosy powerful and helpful thread I have read...perhaps timing is the key as I have recently "caught" my husband acting out on the internet after a long period of him disengaging (poor choice of word I know but thats all i got right now) from such activity.
Every time it feels like the first time and we are now putting measures in place so hopefully it will not happen again...I am the most deflated but also the most hopeful I think I have been...anyway this is a story for my own thread but just wanted to say to all those who have participated in this thread thankyou! You have reminded me of things that are too easy to forget and clarified others. Particularly Hopeful wife and walking south ...your words really spoke to me so thanks...
*sigh* this is such a hard road but as long as you don't lose yourself in the process I believe, for me atleast, it's worth it.
First, I would like to say thank you to Rayne for the original post and to all of the men and women who have expressed their opinions so eloquently thereafter. There is a great deal to digest here, and I am sure I will reread everything several times. Although I have never posted before, I have found great comfort in the MS forums it is helpful to see mens perspectives and it is equally helpful to see that I am not alone in my situation (although all of our situations may be slightly different, many of the broader themes here remain the same).
I want to add my personal perspective.
I have been with my husband for over a decade. At the beginning of our relationship I revealed to him that I was molested as a child. He too is an abuse survivor, but he never told me this until 2 months ago. It was his deep, dark secret, and I was subsequently in the dark myself. Our relationship was beautiful full of love and what I thought was trust. For me personally, the trust part was very important. It came as an utter shock to me when I found out (again, 2 months ago) that he had been acting out with men online and had been in an 8 month relationship with one particular man. There has been talk in this thread about a womans choice in her relationship, the choices they make when they agree to be in the relationship. While I understand this in part, I would like to emphasize that, for me, my choice to be in the relationship at that point was made with a blindfold on I only had partial information. In addition, I too feel confusion over a mans decisions to act out when those actions have the ability to hurt and traumatize (yes, I do feel traumatized) the ones they purportedly love. The candid perspectives of the men on this board are a window into this world that I thank you for yet I confess that it is still tremendously difficult to digest. For me, I was abused but have not acted out. I feel this dichotomy makes it more difficult for me to understand. My husband and I are trying to work things out in couples/individual therapy. Here, I have been able to make an active choice. I make the choice to try. I make this choice from a place of love and caring. Yet, my husband is unsure of his sexual identity and in this I feel my choice is lessened. I cannot be a part of this choice, despite the fact that it will affect me greatly. It is hard to effectively illustrate my point, but what I am trying to say is that many of our choices, as partners of those who have been abused, are not black and white because the bleed into one another. For those of you who have suggested that we, the partners, create strong boundaries I could not agree more. My boundaries are that I will work on this until he decides, or, until it gets to be too much for me. If he decides that he can live a heterosexual, monogamous lifestyle with me, than I will work to rebuild the trust, the love but if he breaks that trust again, I will leave because I personally (again, personal choice, we are all different) cannot live through this again.
As a final note, I would just like to add how difficult it is for the partners of men (or women, for that matter) who have acted out -- this is why we struggle to understand, why we ask the questions we ask. If you have not experienced the other side of the coin, from my perspective it is heartbreaking. The pain and anxiety that this causes are tremendous.
I want to add my personal perspective.
I have been with my husband for over a decade. At the beginning of our relationship I revealed to him that I was molested as a child. He too is an abuse survivor, but he never told me this until 2 months ago. It was his deep, dark secret, and I was subsequently in the dark myself. Our relationship was beautiful full of love and what I thought was trust. For me personally, the trust part was very important. It came as an utter shock to me when I found out (again, 2 months ago) that he had been acting out with men online and had been in an 8 month relationship with one particular man. There has been talk in this thread about a womans choice in her relationship, the choices they make when they agree to be in the relationship. While I understand this in part, I would like to emphasize that, for me, my choice to be in the relationship at that point was made with a blindfold on I only had partial information. In addition, I too feel confusion over a mans decisions to act out when those actions have the ability to hurt and traumatize (yes, I do feel traumatized) the ones they purportedly love. The candid perspectives of the men on this board are a window into this world that I thank you for yet I confess that it is still tremendously difficult to digest. For me, I was abused but have not acted out. I feel this dichotomy makes it more difficult for me to understand. My husband and I are trying to work things out in couples/individual therapy. Here, I have been able to make an active choice. I make the choice to try. I make this choice from a place of love and caring. Yet, my husband is unsure of his sexual identity and in this I feel my choice is lessened. I cannot be a part of this choice, despite the fact that it will affect me greatly. It is hard to effectively illustrate my point, but what I am trying to say is that many of our choices, as partners of those who have been abused, are not black and white because the bleed into one another. For those of you who have suggested that we, the partners, create strong boundaries I could not agree more. My boundaries are that I will work on this until he decides, or, until it gets to be too much for me. If he decides that he can live a heterosexual, monogamous lifestyle with me, than I will work to rebuild the trust, the love but if he breaks that trust again, I will leave because I personally (again, personal choice, we are all different) cannot live through this again.
As a final note, I would just like to add how difficult it is for the partners of men (or women, for that matter) who have acted out -- this is why we struggle to understand, why we ask the questions we ask. If you have not experienced the other side of the coin, from my perspective it is heartbreaking. The pain and anxiety that this causes are tremendous.
I just wanted to add a big thank you to all contributors of this thread, it helped me a lot understanding what's going on with this guy I'm so deeply concerned about. It leaves me somewhat desperate, though, knowing I can't do anything about it anyway. It's yet another curve on this emotional roller-coaster ride. And it's devastating to witness what he does to himself. And it's so tiring seeing my hands being confined to helplessness.
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