Acting Out
pontifixmax
Registrant
Hi there. I'm a relatively new member who posted here recently. I'm writing again because I've have concerns for sometime now about my lifestyle as well as my sexuality and I can't keep them bottled inside any longer. Putting them out here helps so I hope no one minds that I do so. I should warn people to be aware of possible triggers however.
First of all I'm taking pills + drinking alot. This isn't new for me. I've had problems with substance abuse since I was 13 but I managed to keep a handle on it for a long time and even sought conselling for it a few years ago, which actually helped alot. It scares me more now than ever, however, because I'm in a new city without familiar supports. I also have a lot more to lose now, namely my health, my relationship, the quality of my studies at university and my energy for the work I do. I'm throwing up almost every morning (whether I'm hung over or not), my girlfriend is getting frustrated with my drinking and I'm worried about my grades slipping as well as burning out at work since its a high stress job (I work in a homeless shelter.) Externally I'm juggling a lot of things but the internal stuff is getting to me too. I'm coming to terms with my own abuse issues plus I'm dealing with my girlfriend's at the same time. She has been having a hard time lately, struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting and a change in medication, as well as the loss of her long time S.A. therapist when she moved here with me to go to school. I don't know what to do to help her let alone myself. Obviously this is very frustrating for me. Concerning sexuality I don't know how to broach the subject of my bisexuality with her. For years before we met I had occasional encounters with men, which I'm not sure is a result of my upbringing, the abuse I encountered, or both. You see my mother came out as a lesbian when I was 12, which resulted in a lot of family conflict between her and my father, who is very homophobic. Even before the age of 12 I didn't make a great distinction between who I was attracted to or whom I had a crush on i.e. girls or boys. I don't know if my mom's coming out predisposed me to being bi or if I'm just that way naturally but its hard to for me figure out since my first adolescent experiences with the same sex was abusive nature, involving someone much older who took advantage of me while I was homeless and under the influence. Anyways today I desire an encounter with men now and then but I don't know how to reconcile this with my gf. She knows about my history and is accepting of me nonetheless but I'm positive that she wants a strictly monogamous relationship, which I'm not sure I can continue to live with given my bisexual tendencies. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I wish I could make her understand that this isn't about what she can't give me, if that makes any sense. Anyways if anyone has any insights for me I welcome your response J.S.
First of all I'm taking pills + drinking alot. This isn't new for me. I've had problems with substance abuse since I was 13 but I managed to keep a handle on it for a long time and even sought conselling for it a few years ago, which actually helped alot. It scares me more now than ever, however, because I'm in a new city without familiar supports. I also have a lot more to lose now, namely my health, my relationship, the quality of my studies at university and my energy for the work I do. I'm throwing up almost every morning (whether I'm hung over or not), my girlfriend is getting frustrated with my drinking and I'm worried about my grades slipping as well as burning out at work since its a high stress job (I work in a homeless shelter.) Externally I'm juggling a lot of things but the internal stuff is getting to me too. I'm coming to terms with my own abuse issues plus I'm dealing with my girlfriend's at the same time. She has been having a hard time lately, struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting and a change in medication, as well as the loss of her long time S.A. therapist when she moved here with me to go to school. I don't know what to do to help her let alone myself. Obviously this is very frustrating for me. Concerning sexuality I don't know how to broach the subject of my bisexuality with her. For years before we met I had occasional encounters with men, which I'm not sure is a result of my upbringing, the abuse I encountered, or both. You see my mother came out as a lesbian when I was 12, which resulted in a lot of family conflict between her and my father, who is very homophobic. Even before the age of 12 I didn't make a great distinction between who I was attracted to or whom I had a crush on i.e. girls or boys. I don't know if my mom's coming out predisposed me to being bi or if I'm just that way naturally but its hard to for me figure out since my first adolescent experiences with the same sex was abusive nature, involving someone much older who took advantage of me while I was homeless and under the influence. Anyways today I desire an encounter with men now and then but I don't know how to reconcile this with my gf. She knows about my history and is accepting of me nonetheless but I'm positive that she wants a strictly monogamous relationship, which I'm not sure I can continue to live with given my bisexual tendencies. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I wish I could make her understand that this isn't about what she can't give me, if that makes any sense. Anyways if anyone has any insights for me I welcome your response J.S.
Don't worry about what you say, or how much you say it. The people who visit here are also Survivors, and can usually relate to your feelings...