Acting out?

Acting out?
M

medicb4

Registrant
MS word opened with a safetycopy of my wife's latest journal entry. I was about to shut it when I saw skitsvartsjuk (Really Jealous)I couldnt stop reading. I did when I read My wife has has fantasies about her therapist. Crapwe seem to only have one way honestywe discussed it the eveng before and the reason why she gets dolled up (including really attractive undies and bra) is that she is a stay at home mom and rerely does - so I bought it.

Fast forward to when she comes home from the store. I immediately went down to apologize for what I read but her response said "what else did you read" so I told her I stopped at that paragraph (I had).

but the seed was planted - within 2 hours I had read every journal entry (or at least skimmed). She has REALLY neverbeen honest with me.

She has been unfaithful, she is actively considering leaving me because of my temper...the list of omissions or outright lies is long.

So I then went down and told her "We no longer have any secrets - I have just read all your journals" And I went to the acute psych unit.

I am back now at home with some sleeping pills, and one very very silent wife.

In 1 week I have had my first flashback and I guess this is an episode of acting out? I really long to the old days of not doing anything.

****
I have turned out pretty shitty. I think this is mostly because of my SA Moms suicide was a smokescreen. Suicide will of course stop me from corrupting Mandela & Mulan but it deprives me of watching them grow. I could leave them each a note to be opened when they get older. Maybe that will help them with their emotional situation then.

I am threatening to Jiang, I yelled at Mandela this morning for not getting dressed and when I came out of the room Jiang was quivering. Nothing else is working with him just now. I cannot seem to stop my temper but I am trying to control it and focus it. Untfortunately nothing is good enough. I am trying to change but the damage is already done.

I HAVE CARRIED THE WHOLE HOUSE ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS but I am not allowed to be angry? I have to adapt to s**t her parents did that I dont even know about. Jiang wants & wants and wants but wont tell me WHAT. How can such a brave and courageous woman be such a cowardly fucking B***H to me.

We are now brokeand brokenand splitting up? I cannot believe I have pissed away all my inheritance trying to build a home. She dreamed of a garden and I gave it to her but she doesnt do anything with it. Nice metaphore.

What can I say more than I tried. I am a failure and a sham.
 
I am sorry about all of this, it is not good.
It is not good to take out temper on children, because they do not know how they make you so angry, and it can lead them to become scared.

I hope you can all stay together as a family, and rescue this.

Can I ask you this question? Are you so open about your own abuse?

I hope you do not think you are a failure, it is sometimes what we all think, and it sure stopped me having a family, but I hope you can rescue this situation,

ste
 
Medicb4 - Things have fallen in bit?! You give out a sense of helplesness and hopelessness that can be pretty devestating! However, let me reflect from some different angles here. There appears to be enough emotional history on both sides (yours and Jiang's) to keep a level of stress on-going along with some poor communications. (1) not everything a person writes in a private, personal journal can be taken literally. These are thoughts and feelings that are entertained for whatever reasons and need not be taken seriously. For example, her therapist. A therapist is usually a good listener; exudes a sense of caring, interest and concern. Just these qualities are turn ons for some women who are experiencing what they believe a dry spell of their partner's listening, caring and concern. The concept used here for dynamics between therapist and patient is called "transference". In certain therapies it is expected. Your wife's dressing up may be to accomodate this transference. The therapist will see it for what it is and, if ethical, won't move on this behavior. It has happened several times to me with patients. (2)trust levels seem low or at least suspect. Boundaries are so important in marriages especially where past traumas occurred... especially in childhood. Both of you seem like you have past histories (her family/ your abuse). Without a third party observer, it easily becames entangled and out-of-hand; (3) if there is high stress levels in the marriage and communication is not clear, this very well can lead to your anger (plus it tends to be a common CSA symptom). Many times anger is in response to stress levels. The higher stress the more vulnerable you may be for increased anger. If you both are under stress, then you are both vulnerable for anger issues. One anger explosion can easily cause the other in response. In that case nothing gets done. Medicb4, it sounds like you both have therapists. Do they communicate between each other? Do you have a family or marriage therapist for your present situations? in addition to the therapist you need for past issues? You certainly have a very difficult situation but not necessarily hopeless. Try to look at what you do have and capitalize on them rather than focusing on what you don't have together. I apologize for the length but couldn't be any shorter and share what I feel I have to! Keep posting! Talk out your feelings!!


Howard
 
Hello medicb4,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. Believe me, I can identify.

You wrote:

" Suicide will of course stop me from corrupting Mandela & Mulan but it deprives me of watching them grow. I could leave them each a note to be opened when they get older. Maybe that will help them with their emotional situation then."

I have read and re-read your post, especially this part, trying to figure out if you are referring to your mom's suicide or if you might be talking about your own.

I hope it is not the latter. I hope that you will help me to understand what you meant by your comment about suicide.

If you are having thoughts or feelings about self-harm, you need to have immediate local professional help. I'm glad to hear that you went to the clinic for help. That is somewhat reassuring.

However, as I'm sure you know, threats of suicide or self-harm are very hard to handle in this internet type of environment. Please refer to the suicide threats warning at the top of this forum.

Please give some assurance that if you are writing about considering suicide, that you will seek local professional help. Otherwise we will worry about you and it feels so powerless that it threatens others here.

Take very good and gentle care of yourself in this difficult time. We are here for you to offer you help, support and love. However, we would be doing you a disservice to suggest that we are equipped to handle suicidal thought or desires. We simply are not able to do that.

Please PM me or any moderator and let us know how you're doing. We care about you and hope you will find comfort and relief. Let us know how we can help.

Thanks, and please know that anything I am writing is to be of as much help to you as I can.

Regards,
 
I'm here.

Danny, I apoligize about the suicide reference...That was dumb to post here.I can remove it if you think that is best.

It wasn't "totally" towards my mom. My mom missed us growing up and she never left a note so I have no idea what she was thinking / feeling. I wouldn't want to do that to my kids, and to write down everything I am thinking would take 18 years, so I become too busy to damage myself (I'd be 50 before all my thoughts were down on paper).

Just tonight we haven't talked at all but she did call and picked me up at the hospital. The psychiatrist gave me some sleeping pills and encouraged me to go to my first meeting with my own therapist on wednesday.

I have to get to work...but I won't be working much today. See you all later.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top