Acting Out Sexually

Acting Out Sexually
S

Sinking

Registrant
Hello again - First I'd like to voice my appreciation for all of you who have responded to my previous posts. I'm just getting started on the road to recovery and your support is greatly appreciated.
I'm wondering how those of you who have acted out sexually, i.e. cruising for same sex encounters. There are times when I feel absolutely compelled to find and have meaningless, anonymous, sometimes dangerous sexual encounters with one or several men. Sometimes masturbation will releave me of the desire, other times that's not enough and in order to make the obsession go away, I feel like I need to act on it....like right now, today. I want to go to the gym and just sit in the steamroom and/or sauna until someone else in there looking for the same type of encounter arrives....it usually doesn't take long. Any ideas that you have found to work? Thanks guy, in advance.
 
i guess i dont have an imediate fix that will help you today, only a more long-term solution. i found in my case my ability to resist temptations increases with the more i like myself. the more i respect the person i am, the less tempting such things are for me. when i am real sharp and focused they really dont even cross my mind. then a bad patch of road comes along, a fight with my wife or some such thing, and when i am feeling down, i struggle with it more. the more stabil i have become in terms of my emotions, i very rarely have to fight off desires any longer. i like who and what i am, and i guess degrading myself just doesnt appeal to me as much as it once did.
 
The only advice I can give to avoid compulsive sexual activity (and I am VERY familiar with it, unfortunately)is to avoid the situation. I mean, like, drive another way if the way you drive home goes by the gym. Or, tell someone your schedule, so that you have to be accountable at the time that would normally be "free?"

Do something nice for yourself...that normally would make you feel guilty...maybe it is ice cream or maybe it is a pair of shoes or a cd of music...THAT guilt will be so much smaller than the acting out guilt.

I think it is when we have not paid attention to ourselves that the desire rises so intolerably.

Anyway, best of luck, and do not beat yourself up...we are only human, after all.

Peace,
James
 
Hey there,

I'm just starting out too on the road, and I understand what you're talking about.

I posted something like this on the Gay Survivors board called "Cheap Sex." The responses there were so well thought out that they're better than anything I can say.

Except for one thing: You are worth so much more than cheap sex. You are worthy of real love and affection. You survived and you will be whole. Belive that.

I love you my brother, and if you need anything, PM me.

Be well and peace.

Scot
 
It is possible to break the pattern you have been going in. Check out https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm
and see if it makes sense.

Ken
 
Sinking
stopping acting out - cruising ( or cottaging as we call it in the UK ) was a hard thing for me to do.

It had been a part of my life for many years, maybe 6 or 7, although the amount of 'successful encounters' was very small.
But the drive to go out and try was huge and constant.

I've often said here that I could wind myslf up into a frenzy over a period of days when I knew that I would be in a certain place at a certain time and the opportunity was there.
I would plan and fantasize about the encounter, struggle to not masturbate for days so I'd be bursting on the day. And by the time the planned event took place I would be so high on adreniline that I was unstoppable. I was so 'out of it' that I would take any risk, in fact the risk heightened the pleasure.

Obviously the comedown from these 'acting out' events was huge ( successful or not, it barely mattered ) and the best way to get over it was to start over again.

I got more physical pleasure from the adreniline rush than I've got from cocaine, I could produce a rush that was longer, and at it's peak way more intense with nothing more than the power of my imagination.

The sex ? well it was bad, I didn't actually enjoy it because the encounters were usually horrible, brief fumbles with dirty old men who stank of piss.
And because I had a fantasy all planned out - that's what I wanted and nothing else. ( not the dirty old men ! ) So when it didn't follow my fantasy I usually bolted from the scene way before finishing.

When I talked about this in therapy I came to the conclusion that my whole acting out experience was NOTHING to do with sex - and everything to do with re-creating my abuse on MY TERMS.

But that was never going to happen, I can see that now. Not even when the fantasy did pan out one time. As soon as the act was over I saw that the other guy had the power all the time.
I wasn't looking to dominate someone else, I was looking to do it my way, on my terms. But because there was another person involved I automatically lost some of 'my power' straight away.
And the moment the other guy said something, or suggested something, I was gone, the situation had become 'abusive' again, and I was seeking 'equality' as a minimum to feed my fantasy.

Once I'd torn the acting out scenario down into small pieces and looked at each piece hard I saw that sex wasn't the driver.
My driver was the search for the 'power' I'd lost to my abusers, but along the way I'd developed this 'pleasurable' winding up period that made the acting out possible. Understanding my "why's" killed it off, I haven't been cottaging for over 5 years now.

I still 'act out' in my mind a bit, I still masturbate to fantasies I'd rather do without. But for now I accept that, maybe I'll get past that later on ?

I miss the 'rush' - but I certainly don't miss anything else about it.

Dave
 
All of your responses are helping me gain insight...seems like I already know thesse answers but haven't yet articulated them or absorbed them. Keep 'em coming and I'll keep trying to dig deeper to get myself past this point. Thanks guys.
 
Sinking

In my case I was a male prostitute for 3 plus years and acted out for over 40 years periodically. Why did I do it? I think I know.

I knew I was a worthless piece of shit and all of the above confirmed it for me. We certainly do look for positive affirmation of our feelings.

Another thing. They told me I was very good at it. Sort of a backhanded compliment. So when things would start to unwind for me. I would seek that compliment the only way I knew how and that started the self loathing cycle all over again. I finally just had to get off the wheel or it was going to kill me.
 
This is probably an over simplification, but here goes: If it feels good and is safe - do it.
If it don't feel good or isn't safe - don't do it. Masturbation is a good alternative to unsafe sexual encounters. But compulsive masturbation that doesn't feel good .....
Peace, Andrew
 
It is always a hard thing I do, to respond at a post such as this. because, I do not do that, and cannot conceive of doing that. I mean, I do not even do the, well, the 'self pleasure' thing (hate the word). And I know that it probably makes me wrong, makes me a freak. Who is more 'messed up', someone who looks for sexual validation or someone who kills any desire that may rise within him at all? I do not know.

leosha
 
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