OMG I think both my wife and I would be devastated. It’s not that hard to figure out who my username is if you know me personally.I would be completely mortified if I knew that my spouse was here reading the stuff that I posted. That's like you taking him to a therapy session and when he went in to meet with his therapist, you put your ear to the door and eavesdropped. Him knowing you are here is a sure way to keep him from coming to MS.)
Sorry I was responding to RJrj...Rjrj and SDD757,
When did I ever say I read his posts?? I have no idea if he has ever posted anything on here.
I relate to the words you wrote. I could disconnect on a dime--stress, taunts, physical attacks and I would just leave. For these events were triggers to me, sending off the memories and shooting the pain and hurt of the abuse into my heart. I needed to escape. I had been doing it a lifetime. Generally short periods of time until about 15 to 20 years ago, the lapses increased in time, finding myself in strange places not knowing where or what happened. It was scaring but in time I just thought it was something everyone experienced. I found myself in the city, trying to remember the last thing I could remember to find my car or to find a way back. Other times, no memory of how I traveled 25 miles and wandered the streets for several days. Where did I sleep, what did I do. I was hospitalized and diagnosed with dissociative fugues. I work hard today not to dissociate and I came to learn my first episodes were when the abuse began. I remember feeling as though I was looking down at me, but it was not me being abused. I separated to cope. I gather I used this technique, mastering over a lifetime.It is a challenging subject to actually nail down and define as it is different for all who experience it. Disassociation can run from simple "tuning out" or wandering off in the brain to an outright fugue state where you can wake up months later across the country as a street person and find out you have been fully living an entirely different character since the fugue began. It is a coping strategy ultimately so the level to which you go is ultimately dependent upon so many factors surrounding the trauma that causes it and each individuals level of resilience when encountering these traumas. I know for myself I was present and capable but I just wasn't thinking and connected there was no association between my actions and their possible outcomes and ramifications. I was not consciously choosing things, I was in autopilot. This is incredibly difficult for partners to deal with, mine, you and all the countless others are saints walking among us. I certainly can't advise you as to what you can or should tolerate within your own relationship, and I cannot evaluate the actions of your partner nor his motivations. If I am correct though I would imagine it useful to try to wrap your brain around this not being of his choosing, that doesn't excuse it but goes a ways to explaining it. To try to understand it as a symptom of the damage rather than a willfully damaging action.
Great, I'll find these, please thank her for the suggestions.I spoke with my friend/former wife a moment ago and mentioned my post on this thread. She has been seeing what she describes as a trained "partner betrayal therapist" who recommended two books that have helped her immensely. She encouraged me to pass them along to you...
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
She wishes you the best, as do we all.
I think the boat already left the dock here. His mental health is out of control. I started to act out looking for more of what had been happening to me as a child and continued into my 30's. I stopped acting out then but it has been in my head each and everyday. I think it is a primal response to abuse that we never had a name for or knew what it was when it began for a lot of us. Some of us were so badly groomed we would have done anything for our abusers attention.He risks EVERYTHING and his mental health is going to be the next casuality when he realizes what he's done to himself.