Accepting reality TRIGGER

[smc1972]

I have struggled over the years I hav been here on accepting my past. When I first came here I could not use the word “abused” when referring to myself. Over time I accept that I was abused, molested, raped by my parents. I still do struggle with the normal parts of my upbringing the love I had for them and the abuse.

I have ever fully shared things in my past. I have talked about things that I viewed as “normal” or “good” experiences in now that is me trying to normalize th8ngs. What I had pushed away is parts where at times was abused just used. I guess I never wanted to admit that things were worse.

My dad was a shift worker and at times he would come home and just make me do things. I as fo fed to perform oral health n him then as I got older he would penetrate me. At times it was like he was nice it was mutual even my mom might take part. Then there were times it was like he just wanted to use me especially if my mom was gone. I knew when he got home when he was in that mood. I never said no I never avoided it he would tell me what a good boy I was how I liked it cause I would get an erection. I did masturbate during things which I know think why did I do that. He was raping me yet I got off during it. He told me to do how he knewI wanted to. I know now he was just using me. My mother knew what was happening at times yet let even telling me how I was this good boy her little man. What the fuck, how could the do this how could they provide and love me then fuck me physically and mentally. I want to scream yet I feel guilty at myself for the feelings. I hate saying this about myself and my parents.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Smc1972,

You are so brave for saying the truth. It takes great courage to face the twisted hell they put you through. The mind games are by themselves just as horrendous as the sexual abuse. Be proud of what you said today.

 

[Dust]

Hi smc1972. I agree with what Brian said. I'd like to add that I am glad you are making progress in your recovery. I know that it has been, and still is, a struggle for you to accept the reality of how you were treated. Still, I see you making more progress in this post. You are brave to take a closer look at things. Things that you weren't able to look at before. I'm glad that you are expressing how you feel about this process and continuing to seek the truth inspite of the difficulties you're having in writing about and sharing your experiences. You have shown great courage to push forward through those feelings of guilt.

 

[Esterio]

Hi smc1972

It takes a lot of courage to talk and share this. Thanks for having the courage to share. I am sorry for what you have gone through It was not at all the life you were supposed to live. Parents are meant to protect and nurture you not abuse you. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

Esterio

 

[Bluedogone]

Facing an ugly truth of reality is so very hard. Especially when your parents are part of this reality.

As others have said - you are extremely brave to face this and acknowledge some of these painful things.

None of the blame is yours. Don't consider for an instant it may be. Please know that that when your father said "I know you liked it" was only his attempt to ease his feelings of guilt.

Best wishes as you continue to explore your thoughts, and continue the healing journey.

Blue

 

[Esterio]

None of this was your fault. The fact that you got an erection does not mean you were enjoying what was happening in any way no matter what was said. I have been reading about that as it happened to me during a violent gang rape and close to the same words were said to me.
I get flashbacks about it all the time an can not understand why I get an erection to something that was in no way pleasurable and in fact was a terrifying and painful event. From what I have read it is a instinctual/natural response that many rape victims experience. I am sorry you have this experience in your past.
Esterio

 

[smc1972]

I wanted to thank everyone for the replies and I apologize for not replying sooner. I get in this down mode and I shut down. The post I made was after really thinking on things.

I know all of you have said how this is making progress and I know looking back from when I first opted I have said more than I ever have in all the years. However I am still struggling and I feel I move forward then fall back. No matter how many timesi have been told my physical reaction was my body orthem memories today and my reaction are not unusual I find it more difficult.

I also find myself looking deeper into things closer. I have always felt even told myself how things were “normal” or even “lucky”. Yet there are parts I realize we neither. I know am seeing how at times it was never my choice and even sort of made to do it. I remember how my dad would come into my room and wake me up after getting off work and tell me how he need to feel good after work. As I got older at times he did no even ask or try to tell me how I was being a good boy. He would just come in and make me do things but I got off to it every time. Yet at other times it would be this like mutual pleasure like special in a messed up way I know. .My mother did things with me and even all of us together, but I now think she did cause of my dad and worse cause I asked her. I take that blame I even would like beg her to, to be special.

I feel like I have spent my life lieing to myself. I am ashamed in how I did things, asked for things. I hate to say I do now wish I could go back to not admitting all that happened to I guess living in denial. Yet at the same time I want to just burst and let it all out.

Again I appreciate everyone’s support and apologize for shutting down.