Accepting Myself

[Marc]

I have chosen to post this not in the Gay Survivors Section but the Male Survivors section. I apologize in advance to anyone offended but my reasoning will be made clear by the end of this post. I hope that the moderators do not feel the need to move it to that location but if it is determined that it need be then I shall accept it.

Without further adieu...

Recently, a fellow survivor PMed me with some comments and questions regarding my acceptance of my own homosexuality. The following is my response.

Hi (Any Man),

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.

Marc, you seem to have accepted yourself as you are, how did you manage that?

LORD LET ME TELL YOU! It was NO easy accomplishment. You are seeing and reading the result of twenty years of identifying with it after about eight loooooong years of struggling with it.

My adolescence was the worst. I bounced around from thinking I was just sexual to hating and punishing myself and being suicidal, to accepting and believing it was wrong and finally to knowing that this was who I am and not something to be changed.

My wife is all about this. She wants only to believe that all the abuse I suffered as a child has taken my sense of heterosexuality away from me and now, if I follow some 12 step process, I can reclaim that God-given right to heterosexuality and be the real man that God meant me to be.

Who is defining what a real man is really, God or your wife?

It seems there is this belief that you first know that homosexuality is WRONG, so therefore, you must attempt to CHANGE what is wrong.

I didn't first know it was wrong, I learned it was wrong.

I now don't believe that homosexuality is wrong because of too many factors.

Primary is that when you say right or wrong you make a value judgement on something that I feel is innate(sp?) from individual to individual. This is not a case of sexual abuse for me. This was who I am. It took me a long time and a lot of self assessment to realize that even before I became sexual, I had a much stronger physical attraction to other boys than other girls. (Any man), I was sexually abused at the age of seven. And yet when I look back in retrospect, I am aware of my intense crushes when I was five or six! Not sexual titillation or horniness, but romance! Remember, I didn't accept any of this or even acknowledge my feelings until I was 18. Though I was plenty sexual before 18.

I have been in and out of relationships with men my adult life; the longest 4 years. I have seen male couples that have celebrated their 50th anniversary.

I feel that my lack of longevity in relationships has been the result of the physical and sexual abuse that I suffered, NOT my homosexuality.

I could argue that homosexuality is God/nature's way of regulating population growth. It's a proven fact that it exists in other life forms. There is NO debate about that.

I find it 'wrong' for people to spit in God's face by assuming a 'mob' mentality (religion/society/et al), which allows and sometimes encourages me to hate whomever I want with few people rarely batting an eye and yet be ostracized, assaulted or killed for expressing genuine love for someone. THIS is not only a shame, but an indication of a sick society!

That is not the kind of God I would follow nor do I believe that is what God would want. In no bible passage that I've read did Jesus ever preach hate.

I have NO intention of allowing the next generation to suffer what I suffered growing up. Pardon me but F%*k societies' rules!

I'll end with answering the question you asked above...,

Marc, you seem to have accepted yourself as you are, how did you manage that?

Fear, anger, thought, pity and love.

 

[Sleepy]

Hi Marc!
I know that we haven't really met but from reading your previous posts I can tell that you are very comfortable with your sexuality. Let me say that I am very glad that you posted this PM because I feel that this topic doesn't get enough attention. It's not because those who are comfortable with their sexuality don't care about it, but rather for those who do struggle with this it is bloody hard to talk about. It's hard to articulate your thoughts when you feel a ton of shame and guilt weighing down on you. It's almost like you don't have the vocabulary to even say what you feel. So I applaud you for bringing this up.

Obviously, I've struggled immensly with this issue and I know first hand what it feels like. You live your life in the shadows trying to avoid any situation where you might have to deal with this. Anyway, I'm not sure what else to add.
Take care,
Mike

 

[James_dup1]

Hey,
I think the things you touch on here are not just for someone accepting there sexuailty, it's for everyone learning to accept them as they are.

Fear, anger, thought, pity and love.

These are the road sign on the journey to recovery. Thank you for sharing this with me.
James

 

[Marc]

Sleepy,

It's not because those who are comfortable with their sexuality don't care about it, but rather for those who do struggle with this it is bloody hard to talk about. It's hard to articulate your thoughts when you feel a ton of shame and guilt weighing down on you.

I've often felt very, very alone about this. I can't tell you the amount of anguish and pain I've gone through. Not because I am gay, but because I am out. For many years after struggling with my secrets, I ripped the door off the hinges and never went back. Part of my nervous breakdown many years ago was because I emptied so much of my heart into protecting the next gay boy to come along. You speak of the shame and guilt weighing down on you. For me the shame and guilt came from not being able to stand up for others who were constantly ridiculed and ignored for having those feelings. And then I did... and my mind betrayed me. Yet I still can't not speak out about it to this day. I have to be vocal if only for that one man out there who needs to hear it.

Sometimes I feel as if all of this falls on deaf ears. In the straight community and worse still in the gay community. Especially where it is needed most, in the small towns.

But when I look on the street and I see two teenage boys holding hands in public in broad daylight, when I see two men able to hug and kiss as good friends do... the way I couldn't when I was younger, then I realize that any pain I go through is absolutely worth it. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

and James,

These are the road sign on the journey to recovery. Thank you for sharing this with me.

Your welcome... I couldn't agree more.

 

[Sleepy]

Marc,
It's so very nice to hear that you what to make a difference. Life is just so short that to spend a good portion of it locked in the turmoil created by someone else is just plain hell. Trust me, I've been going through it too. For the past few years I was down right confused about my sexuality. It got to the point where I thought I must be gay because being hetero was just too awkward. But as I've proceed through therapy it is becoming clearer that I'm probably not gay.

But what is interesting is that I'm sort of glad that I've had to go through this. Don't get me wrong, it's been hell. But I feel like I've experience something that many people in this world never do. And I think that makes me a better person. A person that cherishes life in all it's forms. And I don't want to see anyone struggle with this either.

I'm only now becoming comfortable in my own skin (ironically being striaght, I think), but I know I still have a ton of hurdles to overcome.

James,
You are absolutly correct. This is something for everyone. Because what ever you struggle with, it is always hard to accept yourself for who you are.

Mike

 

[jimrh]

Maybe the key to it all is somehow finding the courage and strength to love yourself so that you can actually love someone else.

If you hate yourself, your body, your face, your desires, your needs, then does anything really matter? Does Life Matter?

Could it be that those who go down the path of suicide do so because their reality is self hatred in it's purest?

just some thought.

Jim

 

[Marc]

Maybe the key to it all is somehow finding the courage and strength to love yourself so that you can actually love someone else.

If you hate yourself, your body, your face, your desires, your needs, then does anything really matter? Does Life Matter?

As Magic 8 Ball says, "My sources say no." NOPE That ain't it! 'Cause I hate myself, but I love others.

Could it be that those who go down the path of suicide do so because their reality is self hatred in it's purest?

just some thought.

Jim

Nannnnhhhh, COULD BE!

 

[Wuamei]

Marc:

You are obviously way too love-able, and IMNSHO way too loveable, to be hating yourself.

My friend, I understand the feelings of self-hatred that have been bred in us by the abuse of our perps and of those who have misunderstood us.

I've always tried to love & help others while hating & kicking myself around.

I've found I can really love others, show them that love, enjoy that love with them, a lot more the more I love myself.

I've also found that all along I've loved myself more than I thot I did, it was just covered up in the abuse-bred hatred & hurt. Uncovering the abuse is bringing my love--for myself & for others--out into the light.

At least that's been & continues to be the process of my experience.

However it comes to you, Marc, I hope you can love
yourself more & more. You are worth it.

Victor

 

[KleinerSpatz]

god and homosexuality?

first of all I must say that what I write is not a attack on anyones beliefs.


I grew up in a catholic orphanage, homosexuality was non-existant to the youngest, condemned by the church to the older boys. and commonly practiced by our priest as well as the caretaker who lived there. They did not have a relationship.

They used me (not just me).

this priest told me how evil homosexuality was, before during and after he did whatever he wanted to me, from the day I came ther to the day I left. everytime he could get his hands on me.

his judgement, the church, the bibles or gods so called judgement, has no value as far as i am concerned.

I had no trouble accepting I was gay, as soon as I realized thats who I was. the secular environment had no real trouble with it except the common remarks by the ever present gay - haters.

The only group that really gave trouble was the church, and that same church was the home of the priest and the caretaker that used me and many others as toys, and then made me ask forgiveness for what I MADE him do to me, because I was such a cute boy! I have met many sick and derranged idiots on the street, but my priest was the only one that really fucked with my head, the rest went for other bits of me, and I could handle that. at least i thought I could then.

now I feel very strongly, I have done nothing wrong, nor am I wrong for being gay. If there is anyone that needs to explain itself, its the priest, church, god to me, not the other way around.

sorry another issue that pisses me off,

Erich

 

[Mike Church]

KS

What can I say. Some people interpret the teachings in the bible to suit their purposes.

In my mind God is a benign being residing within us. If we choose to seek guidance he is there and if not thats ok too. But he or it gave us the freedom of choice.

Now from what you say. Your religious leaders use stuff for their purposes. They used you and then blamed you and confirmed to a young person that he was immoral, incapable or unworthy of gods love. He was an abomination and a freak. On the other hand they were the voice of god and knew the rules. Beacuse the boy was nothing then anything was ok.

Ks I dont think it was your religion but the assholes you came in contact with.

Christianity preaches tolerance and love.

Nuff said

Your brother Wolf


to those assholed.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[Mike Church]

In the above I meant to those assholes and not those assholed. Sorry about that