Accepting my female self

Luther

Registrant
I can't decide where to begin so let's start here: I am a trans woman. This is something I've known deep down forever but have only recently been able to accept.

Thanks to some very productive therapy sessions I was finally able to speak the words and discuss it openly with my therapist. I am taking things slow as this has been a rather earth-shattering epiphany for me.... so powerful because with my newfound clarity, it's also so obvious.

But for a long long time I would torture myself wondering whether these feelings were "real", or only caused by the abuse, or from some other factors, until I came to realize what's more important is not WHY my brain is "wired" the way it is, but to simply accept this IS how I'm wired. Regardless of what mixture of biology and experiences formed my developing brain, the percentages don't matter. What matters is knowing as fully as possible who I am, here and now, and then being the best person I can be. Denying truths about myself doesn't help anything.

Even though I'm in the early steps I feel transformed. My mind is sharper, my heart is happier, I feel a whole new strength of self that at times is almost overwhelming. It's as though a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, a burden full of shame, guilt, and grief.

I want to thank everyone I've interacted with here because you've all helped me in my journey, of which is this but one step, and remains ongoing. I expect I will lean on you again in the future so thank you in advance for that. :)

Sending hugs to all who wish for them!!!
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
You are so right, Lady Bird. Why doesn't matter at all. Why doesn't change things and why doesn't care about us at all.
You are who you ARE. You are an amazing survivor. You are an amazing person!
So much love to you!
 

Healing light

Registrant
I'm pleased for you that your journey has brought you too yourself
I wish you the best in your continued journey , inspiring post.

Peace
HL
 
I came to realize what's more important is not WHY my brain is "wired" the way it is, but to simply accept this IS how I'm wired. Regardless of what mixture of biology and experiences formed my developing brain, the percentages don't matter. What matters is knowing as fully as possible who I am, here and now, and then being the best person I can be.
Powerful, powerful, growth and pure truth. Thank you for sharing your strength to discover and accept.
 

littlerat

Registrant
I can't decide where to begin so let's start here: I am a trans woman. This is something I've known deep down forever but have only recently been able to accept.

Thanks to some very productive therapy sessions I was finally able to speak the words and discuss it openly with my therapist. I am taking things slow as this has been a rather earth-shattering epiphany for me.... so powerful because with my newfound clarity, it's also so obvious.

But for a long long time I would torture myself wondering whether these feelings were "real", or only caused by the abuse, or from some other factors, until I came to realize what's more important is not WHY my brain is "wired" the way it is, but to simply accept this IS how I'm wired. Regardless of what mixture of biology and experiences formed my developing brain, the percentages don't matter. What matters is knowing as fully as possible who I am, here and now, and then being the best person I can be. Denying truths about myself doesn't help anything.

Even though I'm in the early steps I feel transformed. My mind is sharper, my heart is happier, I feel a whole new strength of self that at times is almost overwhelming. It's as though a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, a burden full of shame, guilt, and grief.

I want to thank everyone I've interacted with here because you've all helped me in my journey, of which is this but one step, and remains ongoing. I expect I will lean on you again in the future so thank you in advance for that. :)

Sending hugs to all who wish for them!!!
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a trans man, I remember the relief it was to realize and accept who I am. I hope this new chapter of your life presents so many new wonderful opportunities for you.
 
I'm glad to be here to share the new understanding of yourself and I'm glad to hear your therapy has helped. I can imagine there's a lot to learn, and share about your discoveries and needs. It's exciting that you're sharing this progress, and I'm very happy for you.
 

Luther

Registrant
Oh wow :D these are such wonderful words of support, I am deeply moved and thank you all so much! Sharing this truth is exhilarating but also a bit nerve-wracking, as I'm so conditioned to feel that I'm unworthy of acceptance, respect, or love. I think it's a big part of why it feels so essential to share and to be who I am----it's necessary to help free myself of the shackles which have inhibited me for so long.

Driving to work today I was listening to happy songs and started bawling my eyes out, had to pull over for a bit. I've had this reaction before when I feel a glimmer of hope for the future, like it was some unattainable dream that could never be real. I've always been geared to make the present moment as safe and comfortable as possible, while the future was something to be feared, avoided, ignored.

But lately this idea of a happy future, or at least the ability to look towards the future with confidence, has started creeping into my thoughts more and more and each time I want to burst into tears... I guess I might have to get used to the idea so I'm not always crying!

Peace, love, and photon blasts to those who need them :)
 
Reading this I feel deep sadness... not for you or your joy, but for the fact being sexually abused can create so much confusion and pain that we are thrust into without any choice. My happiness for you comes in part because of the the pain I've experienced. You've found your way through it all to a place of contentment, even joy. I'm thrilled for you. I'm also heartened because your experience could be a harbinger of what lies ahead for me, and for others who find themselves on this website. I'm not saying, of course, that we'll all decide to transition, but rather we'll all find our own truth that will set us free from the terror, shame, rage we've know and into a life that is fully our own. I hear in your thanks to folks who've supported you along the way, the message that THIS is a good place to find our truth, to release the pain of the past. That is inspiring. I'm so happy for you and hopeful for all of us.
 

Luther

Registrant
Thank you Visitor ---- CSA does tremendous damage to our psyches and it is a long (perhaps lifelong) road back to recovering our full and true selves. For me, reaching this moment is the result of decades of therapy, self-reflection, and support; knowing how to move forward from here will require even more of the same. Ultimately all of us are unique and we will all actualize our true selves differently---after each step it is necessary to keep searching to know what the next should be.

I fervently hope that you, and all of us, can reach a place where joy is once again possible, and then to find that joy and be able to embrace it. If my sharing has been helpful to you in even a small way, that renews that hope even stronger.

Thank you for sharing here and I am so glad you found it heartening. You are not alone and there are better days ahead :)
 
I can't decide where to begin so let's start here: I am a trans woman. This is something I've known deep down forever but have only recently been able to accept.

Thanks to some very productive therapy sessions I was finally able to speak the words and discuss it openly with my therapist. I am taking things slow as this has been a rather earth-shattering epiphany for me.... so powerful because with my newfound clarity, it's also so obvious.

But for a long long time I would torture myself wondering whether these feelings were "real", or only caused by the abuse, or from some other factors, until I came to realize what's more important is not WHY my brain is "wired" the way it is, but to simply accept this IS how I'm wired. Regardless of what mixture of biology and experiences formed my developing brain, the percentages don't matter. What matters is knowing as fully as possible who I am, here and now, and then being the best person I can be. Denying truths about myself doesn't help anything.

Even though I'm in the early steps I feel transformed. My mind is sharper, my heart is happier, I feel a whole new strength of self that at times is almost overwhelming. It's as though a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, a burden full of shame, guilt, and grief.

I want to thank everyone I've interacted with here because you've all helped me in my journey, of which is this but one step, and remains ongoing. I expect I will lean on you again in the future so thank you in advance for that. :)

Sending hugs to all who wish for them!!!
I went for many years in denial, thinking that I was alone and crazy. But when you read and hear about the experiences of other trans people it all seems to click. ‘That was the problem the whole time.” I desperately want to transition, but there are many things holding me back at the moment; including family, faith and health. I just need to focus on getting healthy...
 
Driving to work today I was listening to happy songs and started bawling my eyes out, had to pull over for a bit. I've had this reaction before when I feel a glimmer of hope for the future, like it was some unattainable dream that could never be real. I've always been geared to make the present moment as safe and comfortable as possible, while the future was something to be feared, avoided, ignored.

But lately this idea of a happy future, or at least the ability to look towards the future with confidence, has started creeping into my thoughts more and more and each time I want to burst into tears... I guess I might have to get used to the idea so I'm not always crying!

Peace, love, and photon blasts to those who need them :)
Isn’t that true! I am completely depressed and I don’t really care to live when I give up on it. When I think it’s not something I am going to allow myself to do or dying to that possibility.

I feel like I’m living if I am making steps towards it and dying when I walk away...
 

Luther

Registrant
I went for many years in denial, thinking that I was alone and crazy. But when you read and hear about the experiences of other trans people it all seems to click. ‘That was the problem the whole time.” I desperately want to transition, but there are many things holding me back at the moment; including family, faith and health. I just need to focus on getting healthy...
It's true, the more I learn about others' experiences the more I'm able to make sense of my own. Each new perspective we encounter is a chance to find a new common point, that can sharpen our understanding of some aspect of ourselves.

I feel what is of primary importance is being as mentally / emotionally healthy as possible... of course physical changes can aid with that but sometimes those options simply aren't available. Ultimately I think a strong sense of self, a mind fully aware and accepting, can overcome so much.

Thank you so much for sharing, sending you warm thoughts and hugs :)
 
It's true, the more I learn about others' experiences the more I'm able to make sense of my own. Each new perspective we encounter is a chance to find a new common point, that can sharpen our understanding of some aspect of ourselves.

I feel what is of primary importance is being as mentally / emotionally healthy as possible... of course physical changes can aid with that but sometimes those options simply aren't available. Ultimately I think a strong sense of self, a mind fully aware and accepting, can overcome so much.

Thank you so much for sharing, sending you warm thoughts and hugs :)
Beautifully said Luther... needless to say these thoughts are the product of a great deal of hard work and introspection. This is the healing journey we're all embarked upon... "ultimately... a strong sense of self, a mind fully aware and accepting, can overcome much." In the world of the 12 Steps they use the phrase "meeting life on life's terms." My wish is to "live in the middle of myself, in the middle of the moment, with my heart open and my belly soft." Of course, I want my mind to be fully aware as well. A book I read many years ago had a wonderful subtitle that makes good sense for this journey... the author called it "the Hard Work Miracle." I'm still working at it... but I know it is worth the effort.

Blessings to you.
 
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