accepting me

[phoster]

Here is what I am learning about myself. I am finding being a Christian can be a trap. We are taught to hold the Bible up as the ideal to live by. When I fell short of meeting that ideal, I felt guilty enough that it destroyed me, and kept me from making peace with many things. I had this idea that to really be repentant, I had to feel bad about it, and not want to repeat it. The bottom line is that I dont feel bad about many of the sexual experiences I have had. In fact, I treasure those memories. I have explored and have enjoyed things most people never allow themselves to. I was beating myself up because I felt different than what I thought I should.

What I have concluded is that I am who I am. God can love and damn me for who I am, but I have spent a lifetime trying to be who everyone wanted me to be, and I was miserable. I am a survivor, and I love s-x. I cherish my past, and would do many of the things again if I had the chance. I have made a commitment to a woman at home, so most are not possible any longer, but I will allow myself to admit that I liked those things. I will no longer feel unworthy of being loved and saved because I like taboo and kinky sex. I will no longer consider myself unworthy of God because I have these tastes. He can accept or damn me for who I am, because I cannot change it. I have endured too much pain trying to live up to some saintly ideal that no one could meet.

I was and am a good man. I have always tried to do the right thing. When Mat tricked me, was still trying to do the right thing. I had promised him I wouldnt tell, so I didnt. I enjoyed how being sexual felt after the initial shock and fear wore off, so I liked repeating it. That doesnt make me evil, it makes me human. I had no way of knowing what I was doing. I knew a game, and I asked my friends if they wanted to play. I knew it was a big boys game, so I knew adults wouldnt like it. I knew I needed to hide what I was doing, not because I understood why, but because I was told to. I knew I liked how it felt, and my friends liked how it felt, so we kept coming back for more. To us it wasnt evil or wrong, it was fun. I was a kid, I was supposed to have fun and play. I am human, I am supposed to enjoy sex. I was ultimately a good man, better than most. If I had the information to make better choices, I would have in a heartbeat.

I have had this feeling of deep inner peace since I have come to these conclusions. Accepting myself was vital. I am who I am. God even uses that at one point, eya essa eya (I am that I am). I cannot be anything else. Life has instilled in me a love of extreme sex. I cant undo it now. I can only accept it as part of me, and move forward. I cannot remove those likes from me, as if performing a kinkectomy and just cutting them out. I am kinky, but I am not evil, and I cant make myself hate what I love.

For example, I enjoy writing erotica. I can fight that, and not write it, and say it is the right thing to do, but what about me in that? I enjoy it, and it brings me a lot of pleasure. I am not forcing it down anyones throat, and I am not usurping anyones rights when I enjoy it. It is my choice, and I enjoy it, why have I spent a lifetime fighting it? I fought it because stringent faith made me feel it was wrong, but inside I didnt feel wrong, I felt good. I have had bis-xual encounters, and they felt good. It was consensual and enjoyable. I hated myself because I enjoyed it. I didnt force myself on him. we chose to do it, and I am through hating myself for it. If I wasnt married, and I had the chance to do it again, I would. I have always hated myself because I knew that deep inside. No matter how I quoted the bible, I felt at odds. I realize now I will never have peace without accepting who I am, and allowing myself to enjoy who I am. as long as I label myself evil or bad, I will hate myself, period. It is time I ended that cycle.

 

[Mike Church]

Jeff that is the hardest thing for us to be. OURSELVES. Because we do spend a hell of a lot of time trying to be what we think people want us to be.

Now about God. God loves you; more so because you are finally you. I think that each and every one of us has our own morality. it is when we try and dictate that morality to others that things get screwed up. One thing I do know for sure about all of us. We would never force ourselves on to others.

 

[crisispoint]

Jeff,

Religion can be a pretty funny trap. It tells us to love ourselves and each other, than tells us what we do is wrong and horrible and worthy of Hell. This is being said at a time when I'm feeling I've offended God in some way because I'm living with horrible depressions and moods swings and knowledge that I've screwed up and people have scrwed me over.

But you want to know the truth? You're right. God loves us for who we are and it's MAN who interprets things the way he does. Yes, people say that God's word is involuable, but in Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Leviticus, God lays down the death penalty for stuff we feel today, even God-fearing literalists , us totally out of line. (Disobedience to parents, working on Sabbath, etc.). I think that God Himself has changed his mind about certain things, which is why Jesus came. Why else would Jesus say, "verily unto thee I bring you a new covenant: Love one another as I have loved you. Forgive one another as I have forgiven you."

Bottom line, my brother, is you have no reason to feel guilty for who you are. As long as you haven't hurt anyone willingly and you are a good man, the man I know you are, you're measuring up. Screw everyone who makes you feel differently.

Peace and love, my brother.

Scot

 

[phoster]

in my opinion the dividing line is whether what you are doing interferes with the rights of others. rape for example would take away the victim's right to say no, and is therefore wrong. but if two people consent and enjoy each other, i see no evil in it. i am through beating myself up because i enjoy pornography or masturbation or even m/m sex. i am not hurting anyone else, and it makes me happy. i have spent three years resisting porn. i lasted three years, but i was fighting myself every step, and for what? was looking at porn going to hurt someone else? no. i feel freed by this, because it allows me to enjoy the things that make me happy without guilt or shame. if i am meeting my obligations why should i feel ashamed or guilty? just because someone tells me the bible is against it? i understand some porn is forced, and those would have victims, and i am creating a market for it if i look at it, but i'm not out there looking at that stuff. the stuff i enjoy is some woman who is proud of her body and likes showing it off. like everything it can be good or bad. drinking for example, there is a point where it is okay, and one where it isnt. i have decided to end a lot of interpersonal conflict by simply allowing myself to be who i am.

 

[MikeNY]

phoster, here's some of my thoughts that may or may not help you. ALL religeons and sciences are preceeded at least in writing by philosophy. In my opinion, they all find their roots there. They all look for the same answers. Religeons tell us answers without stating the questions and to believe unquestionably. Science gives us more questions and no answers. Even mathematics falls apart at higher levels. Evey time that science comes up with something that they can't find the answer to, they call it a force. here's some simple examples: gravity, magnetics, the force holding an electron in orbit around a proton, etc., etc. These things have been proven to exist. It is well known that they have no measurable physical substance. Physicists tell us that energy can only be transfered, it is never used or lost. What is the difference between that and believing in GOD? Science still cannot tell us why water expands when it freezes when every other substance on earth contracts. There are no answers to be found in science. Only more questions. Mathematically, God has an equal chance of both existing and not existing, therefore, by the logic that is actually used in the mathematic probabilities that determine this, she must exist. In my opinion, neither science nor religeon actually has the answers that you are looking for. You may be able to find them in philosophy, I did. By simple logic, GOD is literally not capable of damning anyone. GODs love has no boundaries. Man creates them in GODs name and uses them to control people. If you don't like philosophy, Shakespeare was very familiar with all of this. Shakespeare was very religeous, and had studied philosophy. If you look for these things, you will find them in his works. Also, it is assinine for scientists to think that they are actually mapping the human genome properly. It has been mathematically proven that any substance, say a molecule, can be split or divided infinitely into smaller parts. It has also been proven that those parts will not be equal or the same. There is no logical reason to believe that two molecules or elements will ever actually be identical. It's kind of like snowflakes, no two are ever identical. There is literally an infinite number of sub levels to the periodic chart of the elements that have not been discovered yet. They can only actually say that they have come as close as is currently technologically possible to come. Religeous leaders and scientists have an unbelievable way of thinking in one or two dimentions (tunnel vision). We live in a wold that is at least 3 dimentional, and proven to be more than that. Until they realize and acknowledge that, they will keep spinning their wheels senselessly. Organized religeon serves a very good purpose for many people, but it's not for everyone. If nothing else, it can be a great social atmosphere. Also, here's a note about homosexuality. It is well known scientifically that genetics determine what sex someone will be. There is much "proof" supporting that homosexuality is another result of this and it is fully natural. Plus, homosexuality has existed since the begining of written history. I myself am fully heterosexual, but I am very well aware of these facts. I have known many people who are homosexual, and I sympathize with them for eveything that they have been put through. They have literally been treated as secondary (or less) citizens all of their lives because of people who are more ignorant than racists.