Abusive Parents

Does anyone here have any advice on how to handle parents who were so abusive? I don't have much validation of the past but some bad things really happened to me - nothing overt, covert emotional abuse stuff. She always comments about men to me. "Gee, your rabbi has great legs." "Your daughter (She is 8) really knows how to swing her tush." "That woman, she is only after that guy's money. - she tells me how she doesn't sleep around." I really don't care!!!

She greets me, "How are you my little young man." "When can we have a mother-son day -- I so enjoy your company." What she enjoys is looking at me. She comes for a visit, and I'm working at the computer and just stares at me. I say, "Why are you staring. . . I just want to look at you." We never share anything substantive. . . I'm too scared to tell her anything about my life because she is an anxiety machine. We have to leave 2 hours for a 20 minute ride to the train station, because she is fearful she will miss it. She has to come the night before to see my daughter's play just in case "she can't make connections?. . . And of course. . . there is the famous line. . "You ask how I feel, what can I say, I'm an old woman and my parts are wearing out. She is 72. (Her parts were wearing out since she was 40 by my last count!)

My mom keeps telling me "she did the best she could" and accepts little repsonsiblity for what happened - yet I'm suppose to take care of her. (I'm an only child). She guilts me terribly, refuses to see how much she has hurt me and "agrees to disagree" about how i feel. I get comments like "Your remembering it wrong." "You just don't like me." "We've just grown apart." Really what I feel like doing is putting her through the wall. There is no satisfaction in confronting her yet she knows something is wrong and have had to keep emotional distance (like 240 miles).

I have repeatedly asked her to see a shrink. . . and when she did (because I asked). Her shrink said, . . . "well, you can't deny the fact that she is your mother. . your mom didn't get the kind of mothering she needed (My mom was abused) "Your mom thinks you don't like her." What do I say?

And what makes things really worse - is that I have kids -- and i don't want to deny my kids a relationship with their grandmother (who they love). My wife can only take little doses, my in-laws understand and can only take little doses, a shrink in the family with whom I confided says he can understand why I have so much trouble knowing how she is. . and yet with this little confirmation, i am unable to really get mad at her. "After all she is my mom."

I feel so guilty thinking these things about her - and bad, that I can't put it aside.
What does it really matter. Its over, it all happened a long time ago. . and I get really critical of myself.

I can't fucking put it aside. My parents hurt me - and I don't mean to blame them for everything. I take responsiblity. I haul my ass into therpay 3 times week, trying to pull my life together.

Unforutnately, these comments about my mom pale to the stories I have about my dad (with the SM porno collection in the basement! and the machine guns).

I'm sorry for going on. . . and on. (It always takes me several days to calm down after she has visit - not to mention several bouts of self destructive behavior - because I can't handle these feelings)

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

d.

 

[dbr1955]

I dont want to sound judgemental, but it sounds like you need to tell your parents once and for all you dont like there sarcastic remarks, let them you really feel,

your mother remarks are inapproate when describing phycsical attributes of othes.
It is not cute to talk that way.

Ask your counselor how to confrom them didplomatically, If your dad still has porno in the house, let him know you it was not right for him to have it in the house when you were growing up, and if you can tell him too that he better get help , becuase he has issues too, especially if he still has porno,
your mom needs to know about the porno too.

I hope it doesnt sound to harsh or judgemental, If I sound that way, Im sorry .

Doug

 

[SoCalJohn]

David,

This post makes my brain hurt.

My parents hurt me too. My mom denies it all to this day, says she was a model mom, says the abuse only happened once, says i am blowing things all out of proportion, my mom thinks therapy is bad for people, thinks it screws up your brain, she is convinced (she will tell you) that her way is the only way and that everyone else is wrong.

My dad invited me to therapy with him, on his dime, and he hung in there for several years, listened to my anger, tried to understand, apologized for his part in it all, and today we are friends.

What a challenge it is for me to spend any time with my mom.

Dude, my mom is like totally blind to me and my feelings, i tried so many different things (on my own and with my therapists help) to get her to see me and respond in some kind of healthy way to me, it all fell on deaf ears.

I came to the conclusion that she is either unable or unwilling to step out of her world long enough to respond to me in any kind of healthy way and that it was ridiculous of me to expect it of her. I got tired of hitting my head on her walls.

I am 47, four kids, i too would like my kids to know there grandmother, but not at the expense of my sanity or theirs.

I pretty much accept that my mom is my mom, unable to relate to people without being a victim, always willing to use guilt to get what she wants, a specialist at shaming, and generally not a real nice person to be around, she likes a lot of drama at the expense of those around her.

I concentrate on setting limits i can live with while trying to be as kind to her as i can, which is a real challenge sometimes.

I dont have much time for her. My kids do see her, usually only at parties where there are a lot of other people around, i refuse to spend time alone with her, i wont let my kids stay with her ever.

And thats as good as its going to get unless she makes some changes in her behavior, which i certainly dont expect to happen any time soon.

I wish you luck, dont hurt yourself trying to hard to get heard, they may not be capable of it, it may be their problem, one you can not fix no matter what you do.

John

 

Thanks Doug, Billy and John for your posts.

I appreciate your support. A bit more of the story is that my father past away 10+ years ago. . (his clothes are still hanging in my parents closet - and his name is still on her checks == it makes her feel comfortable and less alone!!)

Anyway, what I have been coming to is that my mom just isn't right - she has a screw loose. And its hard to accept - but I think she's crazy (at least when it comes to me). So . . . its really hard to reason with her. So the best I can do is limit my contact (as someone suggested) and tolerate the guilt somehow. The trouble I have is that my abuse is not as clear as others - my memories of somethings are so vague. My shrink, my wife and others contend that I couldn't be making all of these things up. Yet I always wind up blaming myself - and nothing sticks to her. It can't all be my fault? can it? Sometimes I can be really clear about it all, others I get really foggy and begin blaming myself. . .

I appreciate you guy's caring. It means a lot.

David

 

[michael Joseph]

I just wish you the best in dealing with your
Mom, my mom is up and down all the time, and I never know how she will respond.

I limit the time I communicate with her. She lives in CO, near Denver, and I in MI, near Kalamazoo. Far enough away. When she is doing well, she is ok. But when she is having problems it is hard to handle being around her.

No kids yet! YET! I must say it is difficult, she will never be alone w grandkids.