Abused by women as a boy, now as an adult....
IDontExist
Registrant
I am a hetero male in my 40s. Between the ages of 3 and 14 I was forced to "play" with my aunt and then my step mother. I have never opened up about this. Yet I have felt the shame every day of my life. And even now, opening up about what has made me who I am today, only makes people doubt my validity, and sanity.
I have been told it is impossible for a man or boy to be abused by a woman.
Even when other men believe me, I have been told that its not that big of a deal... or that I was "lucky" for the experience...
I thought by running away when I was 14, then growing up, joining the military, that I could just put it in my past by not talking about it. Problem is, preditors of both sexes seem to be able to spot me in a crowd. Although I defended myself from men, and when I was a young boy, my aunt was both my defender against such men then alternately abused me. It has been women who I get paralyzed around when they become angry or abusive. Amongst men I am the toughest of the tough, brave, and a leader... but women intimidate the crap out of me. My relationships start out ok, but once they find out that I cannot nor will not defend myself when they get angry, it is as if they have discovered superman's kryptonite. And from there, the relationships go downhill.
I am attracted to the same personality types that abused me when I was young. And it seems those personality types can pick me out from across the city...like they can smell me. And I cant say no. Even when I know the relationship is or will be unhealthy for me, I cant object and I feel that by complaining or raising any issues, I am somehow not being a man.
It's a catch 22. If I am attracted to someone, well, they are probably abusive. And if someone is attracted to me, well, its probably because I am their type of victim.
I was very successful in the military. I took on all the risky professions. I gained rank very quickly E7 in 7yrs. I was a golden child according to command. But my personal life has always been a complete wreck.
I am now a disabled vet, going thru divorce, living alone. There is no one that believes me, and there are no counselors that are available for this.
If I was abused by men as a child... counselors are on every other block. If I was a woman abused by men, there are counselors on EVERY block. But admitting that I was abused by female relatives... its as if that cannot exist...and thus I don't exist.
My son is now in the unsupervised hands of a potential abuser. She was abused as a child also. And thus why I feel especially betrayed by her. I am treated as though I am a whiner or liar, when I try to explain what has gone on.
I am feeling hopeless.Alone. No one seems to get what my problem is. I am way to old now to be having such issues. But I am also now too tired of having them. I feel like I am doomed to be a hermit the rest of my life or be a victim. Neither seem worthwhile to keep up the effort of my existence. And now, I cannot be there for my son. I feel like I have failed him.
I have been told it is impossible for a man or boy to be abused by a woman.
Even when other men believe me, I have been told that its not that big of a deal... or that I was "lucky" for the experience...
I thought by running away when I was 14, then growing up, joining the military, that I could just put it in my past by not talking about it. Problem is, preditors of both sexes seem to be able to spot me in a crowd. Although I defended myself from men, and when I was a young boy, my aunt was both my defender against such men then alternately abused me. It has been women who I get paralyzed around when they become angry or abusive. Amongst men I am the toughest of the tough, brave, and a leader... but women intimidate the crap out of me. My relationships start out ok, but once they find out that I cannot nor will not defend myself when they get angry, it is as if they have discovered superman's kryptonite. And from there, the relationships go downhill.
I am attracted to the same personality types that abused me when I was young. And it seems those personality types can pick me out from across the city...like they can smell me. And I cant say no. Even when I know the relationship is or will be unhealthy for me, I cant object and I feel that by complaining or raising any issues, I am somehow not being a man.
It's a catch 22. If I am attracted to someone, well, they are probably abusive. And if someone is attracted to me, well, its probably because I am their type of victim.
I was very successful in the military. I took on all the risky professions. I gained rank very quickly E7 in 7yrs. I was a golden child according to command. But my personal life has always been a complete wreck.
I am now a disabled vet, going thru divorce, living alone. There is no one that believes me, and there are no counselors that are available for this.
If I was abused by men as a child... counselors are on every other block. If I was a woman abused by men, there are counselors on EVERY block. But admitting that I was abused by female relatives... its as if that cannot exist...and thus I don't exist.
My son is now in the unsupervised hands of a potential abuser. She was abused as a child also. And thus why I feel especially betrayed by her. I am treated as though I am a whiner or liar, when I try to explain what has gone on.
I am feeling hopeless.Alone. No one seems to get what my problem is. I am way to old now to be having such issues. But I am also now too tired of having them. I feel like I am doomed to be a hermit the rest of my life or be a victim. Neither seem worthwhile to keep up the effort of my existence. And now, I cannot be there for my son. I feel like I have failed him.