Abused by women as a boy, now as an adult....

IDontExist

Registrant
I am a hetero male in my 40s. Between the ages of 3 and 14 I was forced to "play" with my aunt and then my step mother. I have never opened up about this. Yet I have felt the shame every day of my life. And even now, opening up about what has made me who I am today, only makes people doubt my validity, and sanity.
I have been told it is impossible for a man or boy to be abused by a woman.
Even when other men believe me, I have been told that its not that big of a deal... or that I was "lucky" for the experience...

I thought by running away when I was 14, then growing up, joining the military, that I could just put it in my past by not talking about it. Problem is, preditors of both sexes seem to be able to spot me in a crowd. Although I defended myself from men, and when I was a young boy, my aunt was both my defender against such men then alternately abused me. It has been women who I get paralyzed around when they become angry or abusive. Amongst men I am the toughest of the tough, brave, and a leader... but women intimidate the crap out of me. My relationships start out ok, but once they find out that I cannot nor will not defend myself when they get angry, it is as if they have discovered superman's kryptonite. And from there, the relationships go downhill.

I am attracted to the same personality types that abused me when I was young. And it seems those personality types can pick me out from across the city...like they can smell me. And I cant say no. Even when I know the relationship is or will be unhealthy for me, I cant object and I feel that by complaining or raising any issues, I am somehow not being a man.

It's a catch 22. If I am attracted to someone, well, they are probably abusive. And if someone is attracted to me, well, its probably because I am their type of victim.

I was very successful in the military. I took on all the risky professions. I gained rank very quickly E7 in 7yrs. I was a golden child according to command. But my personal life has always been a complete wreck.

I am now a disabled vet, going thru divorce, living alone. There is no one that believes me, and there are no counselors that are available for this.

If I was abused by men as a child... counselors are on every other block. If I was a woman abused by men, there are counselors on EVERY block. But admitting that I was abused by female relatives... its as if that cannot exist...and thus I don't exist.

My son is now in the unsupervised hands of a potential abuser. She was abused as a child also. And thus why I feel especially betrayed by her. I am treated as though I am a whiner or liar, when I try to explain what has gone on.

I am feeling hopeless.Alone. No one seems to get what my problem is. I am way to old now to be having such issues. But I am also now too tired of having them. I feel like I am doomed to be a hermit the rest of my life or be a victim. Neither seem worthwhile to keep up the effort of my existence. And now, I cannot be there for my son. I feel like I have failed him.
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
We need to learn to breath with this heavy stuff. So, first, have you had that training?

Second, I'm now 55 and understand the feeling of having my wife be very verbally abusive and not long ago she had a big problem of throwing my stuff outside!

I get you about leaving your son. We have a 32 yr old daughter and our 12 yr old son. I will have similar emotional reaction if we divorce. I am headed that way, but my timing is for that to be put off. I'm not really fully employed currently. And she's always made more money than I. She is abusive about that too.

So, you're among men who get you. Let that sink in. You're among men who believe you and get you.

We share burdens and in that telling can see better. Keep at it, and know it makes a narrative that gives you the opportunity to revisit and feel later. Just get the words out now. I hear you about being a man too. I have been in the less - than category a large swath of my life. I have had to prop myself up to keep going. I used to get wasted to forget it. Now, 17 yrs sobriety and I can see clearly now.

For a project, see if your VA still offers EMDR therapy for free. I think they used to. A ptsd diagnosis is needed, and then a really understanding VA therapist. I get you, your experience has shown too many, and you're convinced all, disbelieve that women are perps. Persist and resist them, and there are studies you can hand or email them.

Quick story. I was ready for EMDR around early Feb. I started researching last year, wrote a lot, and did my story in the EMDR suggested format. I emailed whom I thought were trainers and the 2nd helped me find someone to talk to after about a month. I'm not able to pay the Copay, and I'm sure this hospital stay for my knee surgery is going to wack me hard. My wife pays all the bills, but a few of my own. So my EMDR therapist agreed to pro-bono. If there's a way to pay her, I will. She's awesome.

My story is, persist. Email advocates out of the blue. After writing for months, I knew what to say and ask.
 
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greenwizard

Registrant
I understand you completely. I was an adult when taken advantage of by a woman, and a lot of people in my life did not understand what the problem was. I got lucky... The problem here is that society sees men as always wanting sex, and that's all we want! It's not true, especially in my case.

I believe you, and am in a somewhat similar spot. I was able to go to a cop friend who did believe me. He investigated her, there was a trial, and she is now locked up the next 30 years. The woman was a real predator who probably did the same thing to dozens of men. Of course, even though I got justice, that doesn't erase what happened.

Unlike you, I am intimidated by pretty much everyone, but women especially... They make me nervous, especially when I don't know them. I was lucky enough to get introduced to a wonderful woman who when I told her what happened she believed me and has been very supportive, so good women are out there.

If you ever need to talk I'm only a pm away.
 
Hi.
I was abused by 10 different perps from age 6-17. My first abuser was my mothers sister so I understand you, believe you. I was not lucky I was scared didn't understand what was going on. All it did was program me for others to use and abuse me. It shit all of it I hate them all. Sorry you are here and your right we shouldn't have to deal with this I'm 47 and this is shit.
 

Trapped765

Registrant
Hi (Trigger Warning)
I want You to Know I believe You! I am conditioned to please and obey any female no matter the age. I could not disobey even if my life depended on it. I lived in constant fear of them finding out. More than 90 percent of them who found out abused me sexually. At the same time the women who didn't know were my best friends.
I would tell them i don't want to do something and they would order me to knowing i could not disobey.
From my earliest childhood years male friends who found out would bring their females to me and have the female tell me to have sex with them. I don't like sex with males. It just doesn't turn me on. It was just a sex act i was ordered to do. Not nearly as bad as most of the other stuff. From the first time at age two when the Daddy molested us to mid 30s the last time it happened I did not like it in all the thousands of times it happened.
Please know not all women are like that. I have female friends who knew the truth and did not abuse me. In fact they usually tried to protect me from the predators.
I hope this let's You know You are not alone.
 
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So sorry to read about your experience IDE. As you can tell, your experience is mirrored in the lives of many men who found MS. My mother was my first perpetrator and what she did really set me up for a life of trauma, confusion and despair. Healing is remarkably challenging when we've not been given the support we need to feel safe in the world and secure in ourselves. Without that we're simply making it up as we go along... and as your story indicates, bad choices are sure to follow. But you're not alone with this any longer. You have kindred spirits here who are also on a healing journey. It is hard work, but with support, it is possible to claim our aliveness, to release the trauma of the past. Keep reading, find a good therapist and take exquisite care of yourself. You deserve both compassion and care. You can begin by giving them both to yourself. You are worth it!
 

Rick S.

Registrant
Having a good day today for a change. My wife is still angry, convinced I've abused her, which isn't true. Just trying to have a civil conversation with her is nearly impossible.
Bad enough to be dealing with more incest memories & flashbacks, but to have her mad at me when she has been such a loving partner for almost 30 years is REALLY REALLY HARD.
Not to feel sorry for myself (but why not?!?), I'm 73 and starting all over in really DEEP healing work after 25+ years of pretty useless therapy. Still don't have a therapist, good bad or indifferent, yet. Reaching out, definitely, but it will take time.
Meanwhile I express my feelings in this safe forum. Thanks all for keeping these sharings going. A life saver for me.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
I am a hetero male in my 40s. Between the ages of 3 and 14 I was forced to "play" with my aunt and then my step mother. I have never opened up about this. Yet I have felt the shame every day of my life. And even now, opening up about what has made me who I am today, only makes people doubt my validity, and sanity.
I have been told it is impossible for a man or boy to be abused by a woman.
Even when other men believe me, I have been told that its not that big of a deal... or that I was "lucky" for the experience...
I Don't - YOU DO EXIST and we hear your pain. You are not alone but you have been taught by our society one of the biggest myths of all - Men Can't be raped by women! FALSE!!!!!!

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sexual-victimization-by-women-is-more-common-than-previously-known/

Now you know the science. Now you know you and so many of the rest of us have been gas lighted by the abusers and society all these years. I am so sorry.
 
My wife is still angry, convinced I've abused her, which isn't true.
I have to say that this is a slippery slope and I'm glad you're holding on to the truth. When my ex accused me of abuse, I caved to her version of reality, and she ended up gaslighting me that I was an abuser which eventually led to her physically and sexually abusing me.

Can you get out? I can't see any reason for staying with someone who thinks you abused her.
 

Rick S.

Registrant
I have to say that this is a slippery slope and I'm glad you're holding on to the truth. When my ex accused me of abuse, I caved to her version of reality, and she ended up gaslighting me that I was an abuser which eventually led to her physically and sexually abusing me.

Can you get out? I can't see any reason for staying with someone who thinks you abused her.
Thanks S. I really want my wife to come to terms with reality and get off this Me2 mentality of men are bad. I have been a good, supportive, and faithful partner for over 30 years. Now everything is upside down, I controlled, manipulated, physically abuse her. what Crap.
No I can't get out. We're both seniors living in a house we own. She keeps to herself in her room all day. Fine. Let her brood. I've emailed her that I have MY reality and challenged her to face it. No response yet. I've loved her dearly. Dealing with her anger, rage, and hostility all day long is a huge burden. I just hope and pray she'll see what I'm saying is true. I've never knowingly hurt her. THAT IS A FACT.
 
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