abused by stepfather, looking for answers

abused by stepfather, looking for answers
S

saloli

New Registrant
hello everyone. this is my first time here, so this is a little uncomfortable for me. when i was 12, i was abused by my stepfather. this left me very confused. to make it worse, it actually felt good (it was touching/fondling, no penetration). i was obviously very nervous, but i was also curious. this led me to accept the blame for many years, actually i still do accept some of the blame. logically i can look at it and say, i was the child, he was the adult, and i know that when your young and something happens that feels good but you know is wrong, can be very confusing.
it only happened one time, and in fact at another time i tried to initiate it with him again (hence the acceptance of guilt). however, that is when he rejected me and a few days later gave me the 'sex talk' (a little late i think).
anyway, my mother and sister found out what had happened when i was in my early twenties. and we have since discovered that he had done this at least once before. we found out from his first wife that the reason they divorced was that he abused her younger brother (so he has a history of this). i also started to wonder if he was a victim when he was young.
all this got me to thinking, and i started to remember back to some things that happened when i was 6-8 years old. i remember that i started acting out sex acts with one of my sisters dolls. laying on top of it and eventually urinating on it, rubbing against it and touching where the genitalia would be (this was a life-size doll by the way). this made me wonder if something had happened even earlier in my life with my stepfather and perhaps i had just 'forgotten' blocked it out or something.

does anyone have any similar experience? advice?

i am about to move to another state and when i get there i intend to find a therapist, so any suggestions on how to find an appropriate therapist would also be appreciated.

thanks for taking the time to read this.
sincerley,
saloli
 
Saloli,

We are all sexual beings, so it is natural for a child to respond to sexual stimulation, feel pleasure and wish for the experience to be repeated. But none of this is the child's fault. The abuser isn't doing this for the child's "benefit"; rather he is exploiting and using the child for his own gratification. That is what abuse is all about: misuse of power, in this case over defenseless innocence. You have no share in the blame for this, so don't accept any bro.

I guess it's very possible that you have suppressed memories of a similar kind; your acting out with dolls suggests that perhaps this is the case. But I would explore this with a therapist, not on your own. You are right to want to deal with this, but do it in a way that avoids retraumatizing yourself.

If you look above, to the line of tabs across the top of this page, you will see a tab marked "Resources", and under that another called "Find a Therapist". That might help you find one in your new area. Otherwise, ask Ken Singer or post an inquiry here.

Much love,
Larry
 
Welcome, Saloli. This is a good place to come with you questions and concerns. The advice Larry gives is very good advice. No blame though, Saloli. None....ever. He knew exactly what he was doing. We're sorry you had a reason to search, but we're glad you found us. We'll help in any way we can.

Bobby
 
Hi Saloli,

Welcome to the discussion board. I hope that you find the wisdom on this board and the opportunity to express yourself here helpful on your path to recovery.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Welcome, brother.
My "perp" was also my stepfather and while I used to feel responsible and guilty as hell as the "initiator", I now know how little I was to "blame" and how inapporopriate he was. I've found a local therapist and plan to start seeing him soon; in the mean time, I find much comfort, food for thought, and compassionate understanding available right here from the brotherhood of fellow survivors.
You're on the right track! Congratulations!
Love, etc.,
 
Saloli,

Youve no doubt gotten the idea that you were not at fault. You realise that and say that yourself but I know how memories can come back to haunt you and try and convince you otherwise. Stand your ground. As a young child you were taken advantage of. As an adult youre taking steps to regain some of what was lost.

I dont know if this affects how you feel that your abuse impacted you but you mention your perpetrator only abused you once. Let me say this once is too much and not acceptable. Even implied or covert abuse is not on and wrong. I throw that thought in because Ive read from many other guys here that they sometimes struggle with thinking that they were not really abused, or it wasnt that bad because it only happened once. Thats not true. Dont let that lie seep into your thoughts. Your one time can affect you more than multiple times can affect some other people. Everybody is different.

As Roadrunner (Larry) has suggested, finding a therapist (a T) will be a good thing for you. Take your time in finding the right one, and if youre a reader (like me) Ive found the book list on this site a great source of self-help in addition to any professional help you may be getting.

As others have also said, read the posts here, post if youre comfortable and welcome!
 
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