Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest

Although I'm dealing with both physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my mother, this thread brings to mind other aspects of my relationship with her. The abuse happened when I was very young... from birth to age two or three. That didn't continue but her pulling on me continued. My father worked very long hours, six days a week, which meant my mother and I were alone in a home far away from family. The immediate neighbors were not friends, in fact, it was the boys and adults from that family that sexually abused me from age 3 to 7. So it wouldn't be surprising that my mother attempted to use our relationship to satisfy her intimacy needs.

I was gifted with a very good singing voice and that became a blessing and curse in large measure because of how she handled it. I got all kinds of attention from an early age and she basked in the glory. I found the attention embarrassing but her need for it trumped my reluctance to put myself out. Doubtless the early trauma contributed to my insecurity in the world. Part of me wanted to hide, but the other part needed to show off.

When I was older there were signs our relationship was troubled, but I didn't identify them. She had a heart attack while I was traveling in Europe with my then wife and the reports we got upon returning was that she was calling my name, NOT the name of her older son who was at the hospital. And although she had moved from the family home and was then living in a one bedroom apartment, she was disturbed that on returning from Europe we didn't more in with her. That was ignoring completely the fact my wife's parents had an empty bedroom we could use during our brief time there. In fact, my wife pondered about the situation and said something was off. I couldn't accept that at the time.

It really is a curse to be the "special" child. I doubt my mother even remembered the things she'd done to me when I was an infant, so that wasn't likely a factor in how she related to me, or needed me. But it was a fact and I spent most of my adolescence and much of my adulthood trying to lighten her mood and protect myself from her rage, which lay just beneath the surface. Honestly, I was greatly relieved when she died 23 years ago. But, alas, I'm once again back to exploring how her use of me to satisfy her needs traumatized me for life. I'm glad to be finally healing from that trauma.
 

lotr

Registrant
Thanks FB, I love my mom. She is a good person, very loving and kind. She doesn't have boundaries though. Growing up, she was a practicing alcoholic, dated lots of men. I wouldn't be surprised if she was sexually abused. I miss her, the feeling that she is my mom and I can trust her. I lost that a long time ago. I put up wall around myself. This is an issue that is taking me a long time to work out.
Thanks flying, this is a very good expression of some of my feelings, fears, experiences too. Probably better than I could write it. My abuse in the past has turned me into a huge introvert, trying to stay away from people, I even have sometimes problems just eating my sandwich in a coffee shop seeing a waitress walking around with a low-cut shirt. My mom drank too much, and with each glass she lost more and more of her already almost non-existing boundaries. But sober, she was often a great mother.
 
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