Not sure how to begin this, so I’ll just do my best based on the other posts I’ve read. My mother was physically abusive toward me since I can remember. Only later when I was a teenager did old memories begin to surface. My memories are blurry and I have a feeling I have suppressed some also. My mom used to bathe in front of me when I was about 3-4 years old. She had black pubic hair and she used to scare me with it like it was a monster. She’d sit in the bathtub and grab her crotch and tell me it would get me. Later when I was 7-8 I began having sexual feelings in general, not toward my mom, but I was discovering my own sexuality. I found my parents’ porn collection and then my mom’s sex toys. I was intrigued just by the changes going on in my body so I smelled them and her scent aroused me. She found out I had been in her things and beat me pretty severely with a switch. I heard her having sex with my dad when I was 11. She was a nurse and abused morphine. After my parents divorced she had boyfriends that I heard her having sex with and I masturbated to it. Then she started doing things like wearing stockings under her night shirt but never wore underwear. She would sit on the couch and cross her legs a lot or sit Indian style with her privates exposed when we were home alone. I felt like she was teasing me because of the things she’d caught me finding out. She used to have me paint her toenails after her bath and never wore underwear. One night when I was 14 she confronted me about calling phone sex numbers and beat me terribly bad with a belt. Later that night she came to my room and apologized but acted strange, like she was a different personality (she had multiple personality disorder) and said her name was Annie and she was only 13. She masturbated me and made me masturbate her but we never went to orgasm. I think she was high when this would happen. I started having sexual fantasies about her and finally decided to act on it when I was 14. She’d been in my room the night before and we masturbated each other but no orgasm or kissing...just touching. Next morning I came up behind her and kissed her neck and she punched me and poured hot coffee on me. I know more has happened but unsure of how to find out since she’s been dead for 20 years and I’m in my 40’s. I often think of her and it disturbs me because I don’t know how to feel. I liked the touching and it feels nasty and wrong.