Abused by army sergeant; trauma remains after years

Abused by army sergeant; trauma remains after years
T

Timothy

Registrant
I am a 26-years old guy. I need to tell this story because I feel that it is eating me up.

Almost six years ago, I was sexually abused by my army sergeant. The funny thing is that I didn't consider it abuse until recently when I sort of "matured" and became more aware of things. I had put the incident at the back of my mind for all these years. But late last year, I got baptised and that's when the memories came pouring back.

It haunts me still and I have difficulty sleeping at night. Sometimes I get anxiety and panic attacks for no apparent reason, and I always think that other guys are trying to look under my shorts when they see me sitting at a bench or chair in public.

The thing that bothers me the most is that during the abuse, my sergeant forced me to ejaculate. It makes me feel like any guy on the street could do to me what he did, and I have difficulty trusting guys because of what he did.

I don't know how much longer I can cope with the trauma. I don't wish to see a psychiatrist or counsellor.

What I would like to know is, are people (both men and women) able to cope with and overcome the trauma of sexual abuse without outside help? You know the way some people don't see a doctor when they are ill and still get well after a while?

Thank you!!
 
Timothy,

First, welcome to Male Survivor. The guys here are great. You will never be made to feel ashamed or guilty. You can talk to us and know that you are not alone anymore with this. That has been one of the true gifts of this site for me.

As to your question, I can't tell you about "some people" and what they can or cannot get over. I can tell you an "Absolutely not!" in my case. I was sexually abused from 8-12 ys old as a child and then raped by my boss at 16 yrs old. I tried keeping this stuff inside and dealing with it by myself for about 26 yrs. I thought I was doing pretty good at it, too, until my wife was about to walk out on me.

The feelings of fear that you have towards other guys, do seem to pass as you get older, but the issues that cause you to fear all guys continues to brew inside you. You have a warped view of other men. You have a warped view of sex. The SA pretty much warped my views on everything!

The longer you go without seeing a T or dealing with your abuse, the longer your road to recovery over this will be. You will be wise to confront this issue head on and soon. By coming to this site, posting, and asking for advice, you are showing me that you are serious about dealing with these issues now. Don't hold back, buddy. We're here to help you along and to give you support.

Good luck, Timothy.
 
Welcome

Know what you are saying all to well. Any
abuse is still abuse. Seems that there a a lot of
"position of athority" abusers: priest, clergy,
teachers, coashes, etc.

I know the Veterans Administration even has a few
counselors that work with vets who were abused in the Army both men and women. I was abused by a Sgt
when I was just 18. It was dismal until I got sent to Vietnam, I was glad to be in combat "safe" from what he did. Everyone knew the Sgt was a real creap, but soldiers don't tell.

Best of luck, good troops here!

RockyMt Joe
 
Dealing with trauma is not easy, I think the advice already given about facing it head on with a proper counsellor is the best way.

Many of here had to deal with trauma as kids, and it is hard when it comes back later in life.

Trust issues are always a problem here as you read through posts, so you are not alone in thinking the way you do,

welcome here,

ste
 
Timothy
my personal view is that we get it sorted properly if we get help through counselling or therapy, there are many guys here like me who thought we could do it ourselves; all we did was delay the inevitable.

Sexual abuse is nearly always about the abuse of power rather than sex, and a sergeant has the power to make lives a misery.
The problem then is that we have two things to deal with, our screwed up attitudes to sex, and a serious distrust of authority. Seperating those two things and dealing with them can be difficult.

Don't be frightened of asking for help, it's the brave option.

Dave
 
Timothy:

Welcome. I imagine that there are a few people here and there who choose to deal with these issues on their own, but I would venture to say that the majority of us need professional help. This forum is a good start because there are so many issues and feelings that go along with being victimized. As LLoydy said, SA as with rape, is about violence and overpowering someone. It is worse when it is a person who is in authority or someone who is traditionally trusted.

I would strongly suggest that you consider, at some point, finding a good therapist to help you deal with issues as they come up. We can be here to support you and share our experiences and observations, but we're not professionals trained to help with certain aspects of your recovery.

There are those who have tried to shove the feelings down and ignore them, but eventually, it will come up again. The sooner that you get help, the better off you will be in terms of recovery and getting on with life.

We're here for you and understand the feelings including the shame, guilt and confusion that goes along with SA. Keep writing.

Sophiesdad
 
Dear Timothy,

Sorry that you're having these anxiety and panic attacks...terrible stuff.

The thing that bothers me the most is that during the abuse, my sergeant forced me to ejaculate. It makes me feel like any guy on the street could do to me what he did, and I have difficulty trusting guys because of what he did.
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So many of us talk about the terrible effects of enjoying some of the sensations of the abuse...is that what you're saying? To me that was one of my big issues with abuse. But then I realized that certain parts of the body just feel good when touched, no matter what. That was one of the terrible things for me, that my dad took advantage of that simple fact and trapped me with it into years of pain.

I also distrusted other guys because of it. And this messed up many friendships for me.

Then I realized that I was actually pretty safe. I didn't want my friends to do that to me (nor do I think they wanted to). And more importantly, I could trust them. They're my friends, and they're not going to cause me any harm.

Sounds like your abuse happened in the context of a major power relationship (like mine did). Once we're out of the power situation, things are way less dangerous. Your sergeant wasn't just any guy...he was a guy with specific power in your life. So maybe you can let the other guys off the hook, knowing they don't have the same kind of power over you.

About recovery without therapy...I guess I think it's possible. I'm beginning to feel pretty free of the past, and I've never been to a therapist. But I guess I imagine the work is just as hard either way. I've been through tons and tons of meditation and other things to give me some grounding (even wrote a book filled with the old stories). Maybe therapy would be easier? Dunno. But I never wanted it, and never felt comfortable with the situation of it, so I never went.

Danny
 
"What I would like to know is, are people (both men and women) able to cope with and overcome the trauma of sexual abuse without outside help?"

I work on the idea that it took relationships to hurt us, it will take relationships to heal us. I don't know that we can do this alone. Any feedback or support is what I would consider outside help. Just my HO.
 
Hello everyone, first of all, let me just say that I am very overwhelmed and touched by all the replies that I got. I haven't had the time to check since I posted the first message and today, wow! A big "thank you" to everyone for taking the time and trouble to write and share and advise. I especially love the phrase "Good troops here" by Rocky Mt Joe. It has a certain redeeming ring to it that seems almost to absolve what happened to me. :o )

So many of us talk about the terrible effects of enjoying some of the sensations of the abuse...is that what you're saying? To me that was one of my big issues with abuse. But then I realized that certain parts of the body just feel good when touched, no matter what. That was one of the terrible things for me, that my dad took advantage of that simple fact and trapped me with it into years of pain.
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Danny T: I am very sorry that you had to go through what you did. But I am very glad to know that you are on your way to freedom. Keep walkin', bro!!

I don't know if I "enjoyed" what happened to me the way some SA victims do. I know what you mean because some abusers try to make the victims think that they enjoyed what happened to them in order to confuse and twist their thinking.

In my case, when my sergeant was assaulting me, I was already very tired and frightened by the time he got to the part where he forced me to ejaculate. Moreover, he had me trapped and kept assaulting my private parts and I knew he would not stop until I ejaculated for him. And because it was very uncomfortable and tiring and sickening for me, I finally allowed myself to give in and yielded to his perverted demand so that he would stop assaulting my private parts. Sick, huh?

I feel like a total idiot sometimes for feeling that way. Sometimes I am full of self-blame and wish I could go back in time and undo what happened. Sometimes I wonder why I was the only one who got abused by my sergeant when everyone else "sailed smoothly" without such trouble.

Trust is a big issue for me because I often feel fearful when I am with other guys who remind me of my sergeant, one way or the other. I get suspicious when I see other guys looking at me, even if I have no evidence that they are up to no good. Just this morning, as I was going to work, I had to walk near a guy (probably in his late teenage years) who was wearing an armed services uniform and for some strange reason, I felt tensed and frightened by his presence. I imagined that the guy wanted to harm me the same way the sergeant did. Nothing happened, of course, but I wish that I had my innocence returned to me and not have to feel that way.

Another time I was waiting for the bus at night and it was rather dark at where I waited. I was alone and a man appeared to be walking towards me from across the road and my first thought was, "Oh no! That man is going to do what my sergeant did to me six years ago!" Imagine! I was more afraid of that than if he were to take my money. In fact, I didn't even think that he wanted my money, but only to sexually assault me. Luckily, the man merely walked past me but I kept eyeing him fearfully for a long time after that. I can relate many other similar examples where I got paranoid for nothing over the mere presence of other guys. Bad, huh? :o )

When the events of the day occupy your mind, you tend to forget about the past. But when I am on the bed at night, I find it hard to feel secure and safe, because I always imagine that someone will come along and hurt me when I fall asleep. It is a terrible feeling and I wonder how this will affect my health in the long term.

I wonder if I will ever see a counsellor about my past but for now, prayer and faith seem to go a long way in unlocking the past darkness.

Once again, please accept my gratitude for all your writings. God bless!!

Timothy
 
I wonder if I will ever see a counsellor about my past but for now, prayer and faith seem to go a long way in unlocking the past darkness.
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Hello Timothy:

A few months ago, I was in a lot of physical pain. For a long time I had been having asthma attacks, high blood pressure, fatigue, headaches, stomach aches, and all sorts of other strange symptoms. I didn't know it but I was also suffering from clinical depression. To make a long story short my health care provider prescribed an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) which helped me immediately. And as a result of taking it, I realized that I had also been having panic attacks and other symptoms of PTSD for years. One day, I just broke down in tears in my doctor's office and she recommended a therapist and a group for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. So now I am finally receiving medication that helps me, and counseling that helps me, and I am here dealing with my childhood sexual abuse and other issues.

Why am I sharing all this? Because you are a young man and you shouldn't have to suffer in silence. And because the pain of sexual abuse (and other traumas, as in my case) can wreak havoc on your physical body.

Please don't try to tough it out. Confide in your doctor. If you don't feel comfortable sharing all your story, that's okay. But tell him/her whatever symptoms you are having. That's what I did and it changed my life.

Asking for help is the hardest thing in the world to do. But help is there if only you ask for it.

Please take care,

Jasper
 
Timothy,

welcome here, and I am sorry for what happened to you, and that you must be here.

Everyone is different. Some people can deal with things, and maybe even 'heal' from this, without professional help. Support such as this site can be helpful, just to know that you are not alone with your truama, and that there are people who understand. Also, there are many books available I think that both educate about abuse, and also provide guidance on how to deal with different aspects of it. I am not into that, I bought 2 books I think almost 2 years ago, have not read neither. Just can't seem to do that.

You have to decide for yourself what you are comfortable with. If therapy is definitely out for you, then I think you have made a good choice by coming here. just remember that this place is not a substitute for professional help, and what you get here is advice from those who have 'been there' and tried different things, some working, some not.

I wish you good luck, and hope you will return here.

Leosha
 
Hi Timothy, you said,
I don't know how much longer I can cope with the trauma. I don't wish to see a psychiatrist or counsellor.

What I would like to know is, are people (both men and women) able to cope with and overcome the trauma of sexual abuse without outside help? You know the way some people don't see a doctor when they are ill and still get well after a while?
Click to expand...
I think the answer is yes, but I don't think you want to wait that long.
 
Timothy:
I don't know if you are still looking at the posts here from you May post but this is the first time I saw your post (thanks, cowboy for bringing it up).

Perpetrators (and I work professionally with them as well as male survivors) will sometimes make their victims orgasm or ejaculate as a way to instill in them that it was their compliance or that they are gay to make the abuse less odious to them. That contaminates the experience for the victim whose body may respond to the touch but is not really consenting to the act.

That justifies the act in the offender's mind and really messes with the survivor's sense of what happened.

Don't buy into that kind of thinking. It is the perpetrator's distorted thinking that creates guilt and uncertainty in your mind.
Ken
 
Dear Ken Singer & Lost Cowboy,

Thank you for writing!! I had thought that this thread had disappeared but was glad to see it again!! Thank you!!

I have a "sequel thread" entitled "Feels Guilty For Giving In To Abuser" which gives a bit more detail as to how and why I fell prey to my abuser and also about the issue of him forcing me to ejaculate.

When you read it, you will know that I also wanted to ejaculate for my sergeant because I was afraid he would look down on me and think that I was unmanly or impotent if I could not ejaculate for him.

As I grew older, I learnt that sex is something very holy and sacred between a man and his wife. So it is terrible to remember that my first sexual experience was with a man, and a married man at that. It hurts to know that he forced me to ejaculate in a situation that was embarrassing, uncomfortable and painful. It hurts me to know that a part of me is in his body, and that I agreed to meet him that day when he called me.

I'm sorry to say all these things to you. Please don't be angry. I understand what you are saying about the perpetrator creating guilt and uncertainty in my mind.

Take care, Ken Singer and Lost Cowboy!! Thank you so much for writing!!

Timothy
 
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