Abused by a woman

[123456789]

I've never been here or any sexual abuse discussion board before, and I'm not entirely sure what I have to say. My life is a mess and I think it has a lot to do with being molested when I was 13. Since then (15 years) I've definitely complicated things by abusing drugs and alcohol and engaging in all sorts of high risk, self destructive activities. I was in therapy for a while and take anti depressants so I'm not really self destructive any more, but I'm still sort of a mess. I guess that's why I'm here. I know I was sexually abused by this woman when I was 13, and every therapist I've seen tells me that that's the root of my depression/ anxiety/ confusion, etc... And when I read the descriptions of other men's symptoms of being abused I fit perfectly, but I can't seem to take it seriously. I could have said no- I even initiated some of it (after several weeks of coersion) and at the core as a boy/ man I should have been old enough to want sex from a woman. I guess my issues are that I was old enough to act like a man and I wasn't forced to do anything. Yet my life is the perfect example of a survivor of sexual abuse. My life is a mess but I'm functioning well enough to get by. I don't ever talk about my problems with anyone because I don't think anyone will understand. My friends would just say that I was lucky to "get some." I'm tired of living on the edge of numbness and anxiety and depression. Sometimes I feel fine and wonder what the big deal is, but then I fall into this fog. I want to feel confident and happy. I want to feel like a man- interestingly enough wanting to feel like a man is what got me into this mess in the first place. I just wanted to feel strong and big like a man, and was convinced that this was the way to get there. I guess I'm writing this just to write it because it seems like everyone says that talking about it helps. I'm not sure what the rules are here for posting, so if I violated one of them you can delete this. You know what I think would help would be book suggestions that have helped men who were sexually abused by women. Any suggestions? Thanks.

 

[RJD]

Welcome brother, I'm so sorry for the pain that brings you here, but you're in the right place.

I'm so glad you're here. You and others here help me feel so much less alone.

in the thread, Topic: The double standard (COULD BE OFFENSIVE!) posted by crisispoint, in this section, some of the dilemmas for we survivors of victimization by female perpetrators are discussed. The things that you have spoken about are some of the things that confused me most of my life.

Culturally were told that women are victims and men are perpetrator sis what weve internalized and is a filter of how we see the world

You said you were 13, it was about at that age when it happened to me with a woman. It also happened to me earlier with a male, my big brother. It helps me to look at a 13 year old boy and think how easy it would be for some unscrupulous person to manipulate and take advantage of him. The perpetrator has all the advantages. The victim has his innocence, psychological needs, hormones, and physical/biological pleasure setting him up for the easy pickings for some usurper. Looking at a 13 year old helps keep me from the trap of judging myself by the standards of my more mature years, if only I knew then, what I know now. I didnt have the maturity to say, no. Pleasure biology kept me going back, and that was her advantage that she used.

I write more later.

..................be gentle with yourself

P.S. You've done absolutely nothing wrong in writing in this section, but I'm curious as to why you took the plunge on the Unmoderated Forum first. Recently this section is slower to get a response from anyone.

 

[123456789]

Thanks for your post. I need to find more people like me so that I can take my situation seriously. I wrote here because I wasn't sure about the rules of what I can and can't write and this seems like the least regulated area. I wasn't sure what I was going to write so I wanted to keep my options open. Do you know of any books about men sexually abused by women? Thanks again.

 

[Ivanhoe]

Hey, 123...,

It is rotten for why you're here, but we're glad that you've found us; you'll find some real support here.
We have an incredible book list by checking out our bookstore above.
I'm sorry that you haven't found someone, therapist, who can help be your spirit guide. Most of us have crisis lines in our communtiy and they have a list of therapists who are listed by what their speciaties are. Call one of the crisis lines and ask for a referral to someone who works with males who have been abused by females.
Another great source is our Ken Singer. You can reach him through PM, from his directory listing.
He is skilled at helping you to fine someone in your area who can help.
Sorry you've had problems with that...some therapists can be jerks, too.
You're really not alone in this. A lot of us have been subjected to seductive behavior by our mothers, babysitters and other female relatives.
Take a big breath, we always have to be reminded to keep breathing, and begin your search for a good book or two and good luck finding a sympathetic therapist.

David