Abused and Used by boys my age
northerndude
Registrant
I was wondering if anyone else suffered sexual abuse at the hands of what they thought were their friends. I did...and wanted to talk with someone else who had
Abused and Used by boys my age
- Thread starternortherndude
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northerndude
Registrant
I need to talk.....sigh
reality2k4
Registrant
Hang on, there are guys who have gone through this.
I was only bullied by them.
Welcome,
ste
I was only bullied by them.
Welcome,
ste
mphsrvivor
Registrant
Welcome here northerndude. I hope you find some help and answers here.
My abuse happened by those older than me so I can't offer any personal insight to your question directly. However, one thing you'll see with many of us is that the abuse often came from those who we thought were our "friends" regardless of their ages. This betrayal of trust has been as big of an issue with me as the actual assault.
My abuse happened by those older than me so I can't offer any personal insight to your question directly. However, one thing you'll see with many of us is that the abuse often came from those who we thought were our "friends" regardless of their ages. This betrayal of trust has been as big of an issue with me as the actual assault.
Welcome Norhterndude,
you can talk here as much as you need to - there really are a lot of great guys here who will understand and help in any way they can
I had a friend that did a lot of innappropriate things to me over the years of our friendship growing up (I still have a hard time calling it abuse) - my uncle (8years older than me) did about everything immaginable to me for about 5 years when I was younger and yet he was also a very good friend to me growing up - even my brother (18 months older than me) did a lot of stuff to me
Keep comming back and talking - it really does help
Take good care of yourself,
TJ jeff
you can talk here as much as you need to - there really are a lot of great guys here who will understand and help in any way they can
I had a friend that did a lot of innappropriate things to me over the years of our friendship growing up (I still have a hard time calling it abuse) - my uncle (8years older than me) did about everything immaginable to me for about 5 years when I was younger and yet he was also a very good friend to me growing up - even my brother (18 months older than me) did a lot of stuff to me
Keep comming back and talking - it really does help
Take good care of yourself,
TJ jeff
Welcome northerndude!
I was abused by guys my own age and a little older from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old. They were neighborhood kids that I thought were my friends. Ended up they used me and kicked me to the curb when they were finished with me. They were never my friends, I was just something to play with and use for their one sided enjoyment.
I was abused by guys my own age and a little older from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old. They were neighborhood kids that I thought were my friends. Ended up they used me and kicked me to the curb when they were finished with me. They were never my friends, I was just something to play with and use for their one sided enjoyment.
Hauser
Registrant
Hey Dude. Yes, it happened to me as well. Although my first perp was a 25yo man, (while I was 9), my second perp was an older "friend". His name was Dave, and I've come to think lately that his violation of me was worse than my first experience. Dave perped me when I was 12.
When he threw me on his bed and started having his way with me, I froze. I froze because for the very first time in my life, I started to feel aroused. It set into motion a pattern of thoughts about sex that I have yet to throw away.
It does not take a major age diffence to raped and to feel used and worthless. It takes a difference of power. And Dave was 15 while I was 12, it was no contest as to who was going to decide my fate that dreadful day.
When he threw me on his bed and started having his way with me, I froze. I froze because for the very first time in my life, I started to feel aroused. It set into motion a pattern of thoughts about sex that I have yet to throw away.
It does not take a major age diffence to raped and to feel used and worthless. It takes a difference of power. And Dave was 15 while I was 12, it was no contest as to who was going to decide my fate that dreadful day.
northerndude
Registrant
Thanks for the replies...
My abuse started when was 12 by a group of 3 "friends" two of them a couple years older and one my age...I was starved for attention when i was young, and whether or not they picked up on it, it certainly made things easier for them to use me, it went on heavily for a year, then we all went to different schools except for me and one boy, me and this boy although we were in class together the next year did not hang out, but a year later i made the mistake of inviting him over for a sleepover, and it started again with him, and he eventually got his two younger brothers to join in using me. I didn't realize until much later that what i had gone through was wrong...
My abuse started when was 12 by a group of 3 "friends" two of them a couple years older and one my age...I was starved for attention when i was young, and whether or not they picked up on it, it certainly made things easier for them to use me, it went on heavily for a year, then we all went to different schools except for me and one boy, me and this boy although we were in class together the next year did not hang out, but a year later i made the mistake of inviting him over for a sleepover, and it started again with him, and he eventually got his two younger brothers to join in using me. I didn't realize until much later that what i had gone through was wrong...
Northerndude,
I had a "friend" the same age as myself when I was young, who was abusive towards me off and on from 9yo-11yo. Last year I finally realized he was no friend at all, though I had kept him in my heart as such all these many years. Once I made that realization, painful as it was, I was able to let him go.
FT
I had a "friend" the same age as myself when I was young, who was abusive towards me off and on from 9yo-11yo. Last year I finally realized he was no friend at all, though I had kept him in my heart as such all these many years. Once I made that realization, painful as it was, I was able to let him go.
FT
roadrunner
Registrant
northern dude,
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but as you can see you aren't alone. We usually think of abusers as significantly older in age, but abuse is all about exploitation and misuse of power. You speak of being starved for attention when you were a boy. That is so often the factor that makes it possible for boys like that to fall victim to others of about the same age or only a bit older.
One thing you don't get into here is how you feel about this abuse. It might be useful for you to talk about that. We often carry around a lot of bad feelings about ourselves, and one way to deal with these feelings is to talk about them.
Much love,
Larry
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but as you can see you aren't alone. We usually think of abusers as significantly older in age, but abuse is all about exploitation and misuse of power. You speak of being starved for attention when you were a boy. That is so often the factor that makes it possible for boys like that to fall victim to others of about the same age or only a bit older.
One thing you don't get into here is how you feel about this abuse. It might be useful for you to talk about that. We often carry around a lot of bad feelings about ourselves, and one way to deal with these feelings is to talk about them.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
Proteus,
What we CAN do is work on how we feel about these events now, in the present. That is the kind of thing that empowers us and makes recovery possible.
Much love,
Larry
I would try to avoid this question if at all possible, since there's no way of knowing what might have been. All these things are in the past, and so long as we remain there we are powerless, since we cannot change the past.
What we CAN do is work on how we feel about these events now, in the present. That is the kind of thing that empowers us and makes recovery possible.
Much love,
Larry
When I was reading your story, Northerndude, it really rippled for me.
As I mentioned in my first posting, my abuser was a boy my age whom I'd known since the age of 4. He was someone I had valued even as a very small boy; I remember breaking down in tears when I found out that he was going to be transferred to a different class in the same school when we started Kindergarten. The first sleepover I had was at his place, his mother and my mother were good friends... there's a countless number of ways I felt he was someone really close.
At the time the abuse happened, we were 12 and 13. I think I was starved for attention also -- especially from kids my age, because I was an only child with a few good friends, but I was a pretty nerdy kid and didn't get along that well with my classmates at school (a different school than the one I attended with the boy who abused me).
So subconsciously during the time it was happening, instead of avoiding him, I made up this fictitious image of him in my head where he was a great guy whom I did all kinds of fun stuff with -- going swimming at the YMCA, learning about computers, playing guitar together, going to movies and plays together with my parents. So I saw more of him, not less, as the abuse went on, and the pain just grew and got bottled up.
The very worst was my 8th grade graduation party, when I was surrounded by close family and friends who were all congratulating me. The part of me that had set up this fictitious image was excited for him to meet everyone. But he took me down the basement of my own home, and abused me during the party. That day still hurts.
Finally, the point came just before I started high school when I was suicidal and crying every day, and my conscious mind couldn't figure out why -- until he came over for the weekend and abused me again. It was at that point when I finally told my mother about it and it never happened again, but I did see him a few times afterwards and it took a few months to realize that he needed to be out of my life for good.
There's a lot of issues I still have about the abuse -- the biggest one is being afraid of sex. But another issue I have is that sometimes I'm still suspicious of my friends now -- how do I know they won't turn on me? This guy did.
But over time, I do feel I'm starting to realize that there are actually a lot of people I can trust. And I'm really glad for that.
Love and strength,
Adam ("Windy")
As I mentioned in my first posting, my abuser was a boy my age whom I'd known since the age of 4. He was someone I had valued even as a very small boy; I remember breaking down in tears when I found out that he was going to be transferred to a different class in the same school when we started Kindergarten. The first sleepover I had was at his place, his mother and my mother were good friends... there's a countless number of ways I felt he was someone really close.
At the time the abuse happened, we were 12 and 13. I think I was starved for attention also -- especially from kids my age, because I was an only child with a few good friends, but I was a pretty nerdy kid and didn't get along that well with my classmates at school (a different school than the one I attended with the boy who abused me).
So subconsciously during the time it was happening, instead of avoiding him, I made up this fictitious image of him in my head where he was a great guy whom I did all kinds of fun stuff with -- going swimming at the YMCA, learning about computers, playing guitar together, going to movies and plays together with my parents. So I saw more of him, not less, as the abuse went on, and the pain just grew and got bottled up.
The very worst was my 8th grade graduation party, when I was surrounded by close family and friends who were all congratulating me. The part of me that had set up this fictitious image was excited for him to meet everyone. But he took me down the basement of my own home, and abused me during the party. That day still hurts.
Finally, the point came just before I started high school when I was suicidal and crying every day, and my conscious mind couldn't figure out why -- until he came over for the weekend and abused me again. It was at that point when I finally told my mother about it and it never happened again, but I did see him a few times afterwards and it took a few months to realize that he needed to be out of my life for good.
There's a lot of issues I still have about the abuse -- the biggest one is being afraid of sex. But another issue I have is that sometimes I'm still suspicious of my friends now -- how do I know they won't turn on me? This guy did.
But over time, I do feel I'm starting to realize that there are actually a lot of people I can trust. And I'm really glad for that.
Love and strength,
Adam ("Windy")
Well, I've never talked about it but in my preteen and teen years I had the few "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" relationships. I think they were pretty normal. But then I had a couple of experiances with boys my age that until now I never called abuse but I'm realizing now that it was. It wasn't my idea and I was definately used by these two boys for their pleasure. I simply complied with what they wanted to do with me. I think I just figured I deserved it after what I'd been through earlier in my life. So Northerndude, you are not alone in this one.
Dale
Dale
northerndude
Registrant
I'm so touched by all of your posts, it feels better knowing that I'm not the only one, though sad as well. Awindy80, when I was in grade 8 the abuse started again for me with one of the boys, him and I were the only two of the 4 (the three that used me an myself) to attend the same senior school, I didn't have much contact with him during the first yr in Grade 7, but in Grade 8 i had some contact as we were in the same class, I mistakingly invited him for a sleep over when none of my other friends could, and as soon as it was bed time, he started again, an i let him.
roadrunner
Registrant
Brothers,
I wanted to come back and pick up on two points here.
Elad talks about experimenting with other boys when he was young, and I think that's a pretty normal thing. Boys are curious if they are anything, and at a certain point they get curious about sex: who's bigger, what's puberty like, does it hurt, what's an orgasm and ejaculation, and so on. My friends and I went through all this, and what was very clear was that we were all there willingly and as equals. No one was being forced or bullied or shamed.
I think that's the big difference between this and an abusive relationship among boys of the same or similar age. When a couple of boys gang up on a victim and confuse him and make him think he has to do certain things in order to be cool or wanted, then we are right back to what abuse is all about: power. The same can occur, of course, with only one boy dominating another like this.
The point here is that none of us should feel uncomfortable or ashamed if we willingly participated in the kind of experimenting that happens all the time among kids. In other cases where a kid is being manipulated and coerced, well, that's abuse pure and simple and not the victim's fault.
The other thing I wanted to comment on focuses on something northerndude said:
I think the case files of therapists must be full of examples of this. An abused boy often feels worthless and lost to abuse. He thinks it will go on endlessly and he feels that his body isn't even his anymore. A boy in this terrible state of mind just gives up: I know I did. I didn't protest, I didn't say no. I got in his car whenever he said, I waited by his door while he parked, and I went upstairs ahead of him - just like that, as it were. I don't recall ever thinking I had a choice, or that I was worth anything more than this.
This can happen even after the abuse ends, if the abuser or another one return to take advantage of the situation. A boy who is emotionally wrecked by abuse doesn't magically recover just because he is getting older. There are lots of cases where an adult succumbs to abuse simply because that old feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness crashes over him like a wave.
This is yet another case where the survivor needs to bear in mind that what has happened to him goes right back to the abuse he suffered when he was younger.
I know there are differences of opinion on this, but I personally find it impossible to fault anyone to whom this has happened.
Much love,
Larry
I wanted to come back and pick up on two points here.
Elad talks about experimenting with other boys when he was young, and I think that's a pretty normal thing. Boys are curious if they are anything, and at a certain point they get curious about sex: who's bigger, what's puberty like, does it hurt, what's an orgasm and ejaculation, and so on. My friends and I went through all this, and what was very clear was that we were all there willingly and as equals. No one was being forced or bullied or shamed.
I think that's the big difference between this and an abusive relationship among boys of the same or similar age. When a couple of boys gang up on a victim and confuse him and make him think he has to do certain things in order to be cool or wanted, then we are right back to what abuse is all about: power. The same can occur, of course, with only one boy dominating another like this.
The point here is that none of us should feel uncomfortable or ashamed if we willingly participated in the kind of experimenting that happens all the time among kids. In other cases where a kid is being manipulated and coerced, well, that's abuse pure and simple and not the victim's fault.
The other thing I wanted to comment on focuses on something northerndude said:
Bro, do you see how you are accepting part of the blame for this episode, even though it was abuse that was not your fault?
I think the case files of therapists must be full of examples of this. An abused boy often feels worthless and lost to abuse. He thinks it will go on endlessly and he feels that his body isn't even his anymore. A boy in this terrible state of mind just gives up: I know I did. I didn't protest, I didn't say no. I got in his car whenever he said, I waited by his door while he parked, and I went upstairs ahead of him - just like that, as it were. I don't recall ever thinking I had a choice, or that I was worth anything more than this.
This can happen even after the abuse ends, if the abuser or another one return to take advantage of the situation. A boy who is emotionally wrecked by abuse doesn't magically recover just because he is getting older. There are lots of cases where an adult succumbs to abuse simply because that old feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness crashes over him like a wave.
This is yet another case where the survivor needs to bear in mind that what has happened to him goes right back to the abuse he suffered when he was younger.
I know there are differences of opinion on this, but I personally find it impossible to fault anyone to whom this has happened.
Much love,
Larry
Grunty1967b
Registrant
All I guess I can add is to summarise and say that it definitely is abuse, it comes in many forms, it knows no age boundaries, it can be from friends or family.
It brings a whole lot of confusion because of all of those dynamics, let alone what the sexual abuse does to a boy who then tries to become a man.
It brings a whole lot of confusion because of all of those dynamics, let alone what the sexual abuse does to a boy who then tries to become a man.