Abuse or childhood play? (TRIGGERS)

Abuse or childhood play? (TRIGGERS)
R

Raphael

Registrant
I was going to post this as a reply to Mickey but as it got very long and has some triggers I decided to open a new topic.

I deal with very similar questions. I was about six years old, maybe younger, when I was abused by my brother who is seven years older than me. The abuse went on for a while but I can't remember for how long. I actually have no memories of my childhood before the age of seven, except for the abusive moments with my brother. I have three older brothers and I remember being very scared of my eldest brother (who is about 20 years older than me). I remember hiding from him under the piano. Sometimes I wonder if there is more to my SA history than I can actually remember now.

I remember that the thing with my brother #3 went on for a while, and I remember that after some time I would be the one who would ask for it. My sexuality no doubt was "awaken" too early. I remember feeling horny and asking him to "play" with me.

My parents were getting divorced around the same time. My father left us. My brother was probably my only source of male love for a long time. He would take care of me, play with me, read for me, teach me fascinating things, take me to places. He was my hero. I know that he was also very young (13-14 years old) and I am sure he had no concept of the damage he was causing to my life. (I believe that even today he does not have a clue that I deal with these issues.) Can he be held responsible for his acts? To a certain extent yes. I am sure he knew that what he was doing was wrong! But I doubt he knew he was committing a crime. I love my brother. I always did and I still do. I can't get angry at him. It is so hard to see him as a perp, as a criminal, as someone that I should hate.

“Does it matter now?” is part of my question. It probably does because part of the burden I carry now is trying to understand how significant that event was in my life, what damage did it cause. I need to have that realization so that I can put the right address on the issues I am dealing with now, hoping that understanding the WHYS of certain things -- such as why I feel I have a hole in my soul, why I feel miserable when life is beautiful, why I am addicted to gay porn when I love my wife, why I feel like shit when everyone around me says I am great, why I have to smile to people even if they are being rude to me, why I can't say no to people, and so many other whys -- will help me find ways to solve some of my problems, to live a happier life, to stop suffering, to maximize the contribution I can perhaps make in this world.

I have spoken with some relatives and friends about the abuse and they all tell me to forget and forgive, that my brother was also very young and did not know what he was doing. One of my therapists said that what happened was normal childhood play, kids discovering sexuality. Well, these responses only make me feel that I need to find a different address to the WHYs I listed above. If what happened was not really "abuse" then why do I hurt? I need to find the answer to that, and of course, more important than knowing why I hurt is knowing how I can heal the wound. That is the essential question but I guess I need to understand a lot of things before getting to that, and perhaps understanding these things in itself will help alleviate the pain.

I am sorry for this long message. And I thank you guys for being there and for listening to me. For the first time am I meeting people who really understand what I am talking about. And some of you, even better than I do.
 
it is very hard when your abuser was a kid themselves, because it is easy to make excuses for them. it wasnt my brother, but a neighbor's boy who abused me. i have a very hard time getting angry with him, because my brain keeps telling me he was only a boy. it keeps saying he was likely abused himself. i'm not sure we have to be angry, just as long as we understand that what they did damaged us. i think acknowledging it was wrong, so we can deal with it is important. i'm not so sure you can force real emotion. if you arent mad, then your not. feel what you feel is about all you can do.
 
If it was actually possible to "forget and forgive" you would have done that without thinking (or feeling much) about it long before now.

The fact that you feel hurt about what happened means, without a doubt, that it was something other than "childhood play."

That term is offensive to me and I am sure it is to many guys, most or all, here.

As if the abuse were not enough, we must endure this minimizing of our experiences, even from those who would be closest to us.

That attitude is isolating, needless to say, and so makes the hurt worse rather than in any way alleviate it.

I suppose it comes out of their own discomfort with the reality of what happened. At least, in this case, they aren't going so far as to deny it altogether.

Let them say what they will, you know the truth. Your feelings attest to it. Even if they will not address it or help you address it, you can take care of yourself, with or without their help.
 
It is so easy to dismiss some things as mere "childhood play." When others outside my thinking do this, I feel they are in denial for me, which just doesn't help.

What your brother did was definitely a boundary violation. Regardless of how we feel about the person doing the abusing, it obviously has a tremendous effect. People coming across with a quick-fix "forgive-and-forget" mentality don't understand that this isn't the same as someone taking a piece of candy. It takes a lot of processing and time to deal with the hurt.
 
Raphael,

In my situation, the person who abused me took on the role for me of a caring father, the father I longed to have in my life.

As I started to work out all of the questions you had mentioned, about 8 years ago, I was shown how my life got tangled up in a dysfuntional, co-dependent existance. As I could see where, and what role I played, I began to see how others played out their role.

My dad was dis-engaged to my need after my mom died, and they didn't like each other. He seen me as a "mama's boy", and labled me a "sissy". That carried over to my siblings, who took advantage of this new power over me, and he never corrected them. In his eyes, I needed toughening up. Of course I responded by applying my co-dependent role, for survival sake.

I don't agree with what your therapist said, about your brother exploring his sexuality. He maybe chose to vent his own frustrations about your family structure, by doing what he did, and because of his guilt, would do nice things for you, and hence you would respond by seeing them as acts of kindness.

I'm no therapist, but at least it might be another perspective to explore.

I only hope for the best, Raphael, and know that I understand completely.

Peace,
estuardo
 
Raphael,

No matter what label anyone puts on to what was done by your brother to you it will always stand true and firm that he should not have done the things to you that he did! - what he did was wrong - always was - always will be...

I am sorry if this above is painful to read (it took a friend stateing it to me this way to make me understand that what happened to me was still wrong - even when I did not want to label it as being abuse) - know that I trully do 'feel' your pain and that I will cry for us both tonight...

I was abused (wronged) between the ages of 4 and 9 by my Uncle who was 8 years older than me - it started out as a mere game that slowly escalated over time (there was no force involved - he never needed to - he held the power of friendship/love over me and I was utterly powerless to resist as this was something that was so utterly missing from my life outside of him) - He was always so nice to me - was like a big brother to me - did things for me that no one else would do - how could he ever hurt me (and yet he did) - I know that he has no understanding of how his acts have so greatly affected my life - My greatest anger is at the unfairness of the burden that was placed upon me so thoughtlessly by him and yet I'm not directly angry with him (hope this makes sense to you)

Does it matter now? - I know that from deep inside of me there is someone who is screaming out YES (I know that if you look deep enough within yourself you will find that the same is true for you) - You yourself have confirmed the significance of what happened just by listing some of the problems that you uderstand are caused by what was done in the past

You are alone no longer - Here there are many who understand...

TJ jeff
 
Raphael,

I to have look back at my childhood and have gone through most of my abuse with cousins and family members. My family looks at it as boys will be boys. I am at times unsure if it was abusive or not. I have also had issues trying to understand and forgive my self wanting to play with the other boys. We where all the same age basicly.

I still think that I am the only one with issues. I noticed that the other cousins have moved on with their life. I am the only one that seems to be dealing with this crap. Was a good part of my abuse just boys being boys cause I look at it as such for at least parts of my childhood. I hope you find your answers my friend.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Thank you guys for all of your responses. It brings a lot of comfort to be able to read your replies, to have the confirmation that I am not alone, that there are people that understand how I feel, that there are people that care.

This past week was very intense for me. This SA issue surfaced in a very strong way and I was almost going crazy! You guys helped me a lot.

Now I feel calmer and am taking some time to re-read everything you've written to me under this and other topics. As I am sure you understand, dealing with this issues is very painful. Now that I am not as anxious as last week, that at least I can control my emotions, I must admit that I almost feel like saying to myself "I don't want to look at this anymore. I don't want to go to MS anymore. I don't want to deal with these things."

But I know it doesn't help doing that. As I read somewhere else in this site, this is not something I can deal by myself, and pretending to be the tough guy does not help me at all. The effets of SA won't go away or be resolved by themselves! I need to face these issues, I need to work for my recovery.

As I type this, a voice inside me says "but do you have the energy? you are so tired..." I am exhausted, I know. But I pray that I will find the strength and will succeed in regaining the power that the abuse robbed me.
 
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