Abuse is bad but it’s not something we talk about

[Tryingtolive]

That’s what I was taught and under the impression of.
At least for me that’s how it is.
The effects that abuse comes with leaves you alone, damaged, and fucked up.
The lack of trust and sensitivity I have no one should have.
The ill mind, I pretend I don’t have is something I hate and despise.
My sexual self is locked away.
Not much matters to people like me.
Just getting through the day is a plus.
We tend to lie to others and ourselves.
We want a magical cure instead of working through are issues.
I often drink to just forget for a couple of hours.
We pretend just to cover up the hurt.
My goals seem stupid, unreachable.
Asking for help feels like too much.
I like to spend my time alone.
I don’t like to be bothered.
I feel people I love and trust are plotting against me.
It’s hard for me to listen and stay concentrated.
It’s hard to speak up for myself.
My opinion is wrong.
I don’t know if this is just me but I see everyone’s perspective very well, but mine is very inconsistent or inconvenient to everyone else.
I feel like I’m being used most of the time.
It’s hard to understand what I want in life.
Sexuality ssues that I’ll never bring up.
I act innocent but far from it.
I tend to act like clown around friends.
I always have to please someone.
My needs don’t matter that much.
I’m afraid of dong what I want.
I hate taking risk.
Public spaces give me a hard time.



The sad thing is I can keep going on and on with issues.
From early on we were taught to hide and not tell what was happening to us.
I think that’s where it all stems from.
Breaking that bond of our abusers.
How ever I must keep mine to keep my family together.
All of ourbsituations are different but I think I’m now realizing that I can seperate my self from my abuse.
I’m trying to understand and forgive myself for things I’ve done.

How ever rage and selfishness takes over and leads me looking for acceptance or approval. What I just said is my biggest issue.

I don’t feel I can do things on my own. Or that I’m even capable of it. I don’t have much confidence I guess. I get easily annoyed and defensive. When most times I don’t have to be .


What is something you don’t talk about?

What things are you working on to help you?

Are you open with other people?

I’m trying my best but trying isn’t something I like doing often anymore.

I blame a lot of it on my toxic family.

But from the outside looking in were perfect.
I’m treated very well In the eyes of everyone else.

Family issues stay in the family I guess.

I feel if I were to speak about it my family would make up lies.

Or definitely go against me.

I felt like I was being attacked when I opened up about my abused to them.

I had a lot of feelings when I disclosed it.
So honestly I don’t know what to make of it.
Things have certainly gotten better.
But they definitely ain’t where I’d like them to be.
I mind my business.
My escape is to keep my self isolated.
Which is very unhealthy.
But it’s the only way to help me not put on a fake smile

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Ttl,

We've been around a while now. I feel like the time has been reading into a mirror of myself, but please know I see your words as very real and validate you to the best I can. This was a big deal to me:

How ever rage and selfishness takes over and leads me looking for acceptance or approval. What I just said is my biggest issue.

I don’t feel I can do things on my own. Or that I’m even capable of it. I don’t have much confidence I guess. I get easily annoyed and defensive. When most times I don’t have to be .

When You wrote that, they're words I've written too. I've hoped for decades to have some sense of myself that keeps me going, or an ideal that I've someone in my life supportive. I would prefer a partner in life, someone I would live with, but I feel I'm getting older and my sense of what is has been letting go of expectations. They're just too hard for me. I build up some hope and I can't take the failure. I've told myself I'm too weak to deal with these, but here I am.

Your questions:

What is something you don’t talk about?
I don't talk about sex. I don't like to talk about hate, or is this more about rage? I've had to deal with rage in my life, and I am now seeing serious consequences to my health. The constant tension has made my immune system and inflammation a burden


What things are you working on to help you?

I've worked with CBT, EMDR, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. All the time reading about grounding, Dissociation, and interacting here+; And reading about Survival Mode, The Window of Tolerance, The PolyVagal System, and Neurotherapies.


Are you open with other people?

I'm definitely open with my therapist. I've found one whom I trust. She's the first where I've talked about my body in therapy. Then I am open here. I've let one new acquaintance know I deal with depression, and that I don't resonate with anything about high school, nor dating. My answer should be, that I try to feel safe first.