abuse does not define me?

Larry

A wise man once said (I think it was Fritz Perls)

The whole is worth more than the sum of the parts

I will use the analogy of "a bicycle" for simplicities sake.

A bicycle is a useful tool, yet it is made up of many parts. To fully understand how it works we have to deconstruct the bicycle.

However, when re-build it we are always left with one nut or bolt with nowhere to go (seemingly).

If we deconstruct our personalities too much then we too get "strung up" on one particular facet and end up fixating on it.

What is it? Where did it come from and why cant I find the place to put it back?

When our "bicycle" is hit by a car (analogy for abuse) there is still every possibilty that however damaged we can fix it up again. However, because of the damage done and the work that needs doing we are likely to find 2 or 3 nuts or bolts that dont seem to fit back into place.

And thus the more likely we will fixate on them, worry our bicycle isn't safe to ride.

Some of us will think "fuck it, it works well enough" and jump right back on and cycle off into the sunset.

Others will take that bike apart and re-build it again and again and again until they find the place for those spare nuts and bolts.

At the end of the day, the result is still the same ( a working bike) except people like me are further on down the road because we are able to forget about the odd nut and bolt.

Perhaps not the best analogy in the world I know but I dont have the strength to use all the correct psychological language, Im having too much fun riding that bicycle down a very nice tree lined avenue.

Its too easy to fixate on our abuse, because we want to know where all the loose nuts and bolts came from.

A long time ago my therapist taught me to file away all the loose nuts and bolts. When I need to I can address my abuse, fix back a bolt or two and file the rest away again.

Think in terms of control, we had issues because we were not in control when we were abused, now, as men, we are in control but we are so used to not having control its hard to get that balance back.

Now, some may take this the wrong way, no offense is intended to ANYONE OK??

But its very easy to wallow in self pity, I know, I did it for 20 years.

Do you know what I discovered?

Lifes too fucking short to dance with ugly women.....

 

[roadrunner]

Dunx,

What a pity! I don't see anything in your post to disagree with. And I absolutely love the metaphor of the bike. So ... since no good deed should pass unpunished, I offer you something on how my bike has worked out.

I lived for a time in frustration and unhappiness because I didn't even realize the bike had been wrecked. I thought I just didn't know how to ride. And then when I discovered how badly the bike had been damaged, I also discovered I didn't have the training or tools to fix bikes. So I have been seeking help and am still doing that.

But I am back up on the bike. That was a huge risk: what if the bike falls apart and I get thrown again? But who would have thunk it? Instead I started moving forward. That's a great feeling, especially because I remember what it was like to drag the wreckage around. I don't remember any wallowing in self-pity; it was more a sense of expanding horror and shock as I put things together. But I don't remember a lot of anger either.

Yes, I do want more. I know I don't get to trade the bike for another one, and I want to get where I want to go more easily than I can do now. It's not a matter of ambition for its own sake, or at least I don't see it that way; I see it as wanting to be all I can be. And interestingly enough, I want to know more about how bikes work! Maybe that's just me. Maybe I need that for whatever reason. But there we are: I don't take bikes for granted any longer.

My interest in the bike as a bike leads me to appreciate it more. I don't expect perfection of it, nor of myself in working with it. I don't need to fix every dent so no one would think it was ever damaged; I accept the bike and what I can do with it, so long as I feel I am doing my best. I don't mind having a bag of odds and bits that don't seem to fit anywhere. But I do know that a small bit out of place can eventually make big trouble.

So I live with the knowledge that my life will to some extent involve more tinkering and fiddling about. I don't fault myself anymore for having to do that, or for wanting to do that. That's jusy how things are. Others may have cooler-looking bikes and that's fine. But this one is mine, and I am the one who's fixing it. That's pretty cool too.

Much tinkering,
Larry

 

[Leosha]

It is interesting, this whole thread of conversation.

I think, I would rather have the abuse define me, then for me to define myself. The abuse, it is factual. My own self-definition, it would definitely be slanted, and not in my favor.

I agree that as we are born, we are a blank canvas, and the art of our lives is created through what we experience; all of it, both good and bad. I would not be the masterpiece I am now without bad experience as well! (Haha!)

Without the abuse, I am sure my life would been different. But how can I know it would been better? How do I know I would not been out playing in the street as a child and be hit and killed by a bus? I don't. Yes, it is easy to see things as 'if only this hadn't happened, I would be happy and perfect today'. I just think that is BS. We can't know that, and even if someone can show us that would be the case, for what purpose? So we can suffer more knowing what good life we have been denied? Much better and easier to take what has been and make it so it is then, not now.

(Um, by easier, I think I was being 'flippant', because of course, none of this is easy. But I would rather spend my energy, limited as it is, in self-improvement, rather then self-flagellation).

Leosha

 

[Ivo]

From mine point of view it really doesn't matter any more (definition question);

I like very much to feel no burden of past and I like very much feeling of freedom; so when mine friends came and offer drugs to me I said no, many times no... they are not asking me anymore.

I like freedom.

 

[Born to Resist]

I've enjoyed reading the dialogue on this issue probably because its been a part of an on-going internal discussion for the last 3 years.

For me (too cloud matters more) its more about how strong my identity is linked to being abused and being a survivor. For me its extremely central. Yes, I work hard at not letting the abuse dictate my life my behavior. I have to check my feelings and stay in the present. I think this will happen forever as others have mentioned.

So much of my identity is about being a survivor. Not that this will ever go away, however the degree to which I identify with being a survivor can change. It's possible that some day it will not be as central to my identity. It's possible that some day it won't be my dominant identity. But for now it is.

Courage-Spirituality-Wisdom