Abuse by proxy?

Abuse by proxy?
S

survive75

Registrant
As much as I hate to face it, I realize that my mother, as wonderful as she was to me, allowed my physical and sexual abuse to happen. Whether it was due to fear of my stepfather or fear that he would leave us or just denial of what was happening to me, she did not stop the abuse.

I have a hard time with this realization because I love my mother. She worked very hard and did the best she could. But isn't sitting by and doing nothing while your husband beats the hell out of your kid abuse by proxy? Isn't noticing the symptoms of sexual abuse verbally and not making the connection just a form of enabling the abuser?

I don't know what to do with my rage about this. I get like this everytime the physical abuse comes up in therapy, because jesus christ... she KNEW about that and didn't stop it... why would she have stopped the sexual? And the memories are clearer for me than the SA is at times. And it wasn't like he just smacked me upside the head once in a while... I mean, how do you let your kid get dragged off and KNOW what is going to happen to him (at least some of what was going to happen) and NOT DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT?

I don't know what I'm trying to figure out with this post... sorry to ramble.

-Sean
 
Sean,

It is more than abuse by proxy. It IS abuse. The willful neglect of her child and allowing the actual acts, for whatever reason she may have had, is ABUSE.

I can understand your anger over this. My father just choose to abandon his childern (read as me) and thus setting me up and allowing for my abuse. I have a lot of spite for that man. I my case, although he choose to abandon us, he didn't have knowledge of the abuse. Unlike your situation where she knew and allowed. Grrrr.

My britches are on fire again,
Bill
 
Sean,

I know what you're trying to figure out, you've already said it. How could anyone just stand by and let it happen? My heart goes out to you.

My mother had similar problems, only with her it was the movers when I was 11. She wasn't just standing by, she was actively involved with those guys..."didn't she know what that would do to me, seeing her with those men?"

I feel my rage, I feel your rage...I wish you some peace with that. Me? I'm going for a walk with the love of my life, and tell her again, that I love her.

Peace, strength and courage, Sean,

David
 
My mom wasn't able to stop my abuse and one could probably argue that she could have left my father. However and not to make excuses for her as this has been a tough one for me to deal with since her death. However.... she was a victim of child abuse (or at least an alchoholic father. She was also a victim of my father's rage and rampages. When he wasn't beating us, he was beating her. If she was around, she was the one that got it and we were spared. If she wasn't, than it was our turns respectively. I didn't realize this as clearly as I have until a recent therapy visit put it in a much clearer perspective.

And my father threatened us in some very severe ways that to speak out or flee was not a wise thing to do...

To this day, I wish my dad was the one that would have been killed in the car accident as I would love to have talked to my mom about all of this. But my dad would never allow it as long as he was alive... he made sure I never got to talk to my mom. He tried to keep me from going to the funeral as well. I really hate that fucker!

My situation may very likely have been different from yours, but what you said really struck a cord with me as I look back at my own life.

It's hard to know what to think because so much of our families were so screwed up that I don't know if there was a "normal" part to them or not. I don't know if we could expect much out of what we went through (or at least speaking for myself).


Don
 
Your anger is justified. Have you ever asked your Mother why she never stopped that asshole from doing what he did?

I realize that I have no words that will cure you, but maybe it will help you if you can talk to her about it.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find peace and wholeness in your life.
Casey
 
Thank you all for replying... it helps to know I'm not just making more out of this than it should be. I have never talked to my mom about what my stepfather did at all really. I alluded to SA once and she said she would have killed anyone who touched me. Apparently, in theory, she would have because what I wanted to add was, "Unless it was Ted."

Isn't it pathetic that I still have a hard time writing his name? Even on here? I'm still so afraid of the fucker that I'm nervous that he'll somehow find out that I am telling on him.

I had a horrible dream last night that I was younger (an early teen maybe?) and people were holding me down while he spanked me in front of them. He laughed and insinuated that I was enjoying it. I wanted to throw up when I woke up... just seeing his face so clearly in the dream and feeling all of the humiliation I used to feel with him.

He was really good at humiliating the hell out of you when he hit you. That, I'm sure, led to him being able to sexually abuse me with no fear of me telling. He used to hit me in front of his friends sometimes... I guess I always thought that if they and my mom stood by and let him hit me, and he combined the SA with the physical abuse (in private) then the equation was that they thought the SA was okay too. Does that make sense?

I'm hurting so much today... I just don't know what to do with these fucking images.

-Sean
 
Sean,

I hear what you're saying. My mother stood by when my father used to beat us. But she was also pretty handy with beating utensils herself, so I don't sense any kind of "innocence" on her part.

Ted's a bastard. It's pretty simple. Nothing you could have done as a child would make physical or sexual abuse appropriate. Anyone who stood by and let it happen was clearly in the wrong.

I don't know what I can offer except that I do hear you and I know your pain is real.

Joe
 
Sean
I read an article recently ( I'll try and find it again ) about some research that was conducted here in the UK.
The conclusion was that in most cases of family abuse where one parent is the abuser, the other parent knows or has very strong suspicions in the majority of cases.

They went on to say that the non abusing parents who were interviewed feared two main things - violence from the abuser and the breakup of the family ( children being taken into care )

I think that this was a fairly small bit of research done using non abusive parents of Survivors, it might not be the 'only' set of answers, but maybe a good indicator.

Sex abusers use sex as an element of power and control over children or more vulnerable people, and some people think that the abuse of power is possibly a greater driver than the sexual acts.
But whatever the balance, the fact is the abusers use and abuse power, and that will also apply to their partners.
They will live in fear, or under a great deal of control, of these abusers. Rarely will they be able to make decisions for themselves, which is exactly what the abuser wants.

This might not help with your understandable anger and dissapointment in your mothers inaction just at this moment, but the chances are she was a victim of his need for power and control.
Abusers can spot someone vulnerable in the dark wearing a blindfold, they don't choose strong, independant minded people as partners.

Dave
 
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