Abuse and being friendless

Abuse and being friendless
E

EGL

Registrant
This is something I've thought many times about, but never come to any conclusions, primarily because I think I wouldn't like the conclusions I think I'd come to.

I have no close friends. Zero. None. Not even any really semi-close friends. I know, I've heard the line "You have to be a friend, to have one" or something like that. It's just not easy. I wonder: "Why can't I make friends?" In social settings, such as Sunday School, I really don't talk to the other men in the class unless they talk to me first. I don't know what to say. I don't like or know anything about sports, so that's a big topic off the list. Yes, I see others that have such an ease with moving among men and instantly bonding, talking about anything. And there I sit.

I've long thought that the physical abuse I suffered growing up was the main reason for this, always being in a "defensive" frame of mind, waiting for the next explosion. I wonder if I can ever unlearn this. I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in at the others enjoying life and knowing that I should have no part in it.

So, what to do. I don't just wake up some morning and say "Hey, I'm going to make a friend today!" I'm sitting here in tears now, writing this, facing the truth that I've always known. My father, my father - how he has no idea how he's fucked up my life.

Well, sorry for the rambling, just wondering if anyone else is like me, wondering why you feel like an outcast amongst all the other souls in the world.
 
You are not alone in your feelings eddie

The only thing I would have to change is that the physical abuse came from my mother...

I think it is a good thing that you realize that you are often in a defensive frame of mind around others - I catch myself in this same state of mind often - I think that so long as we can realize that it is happening and continue to keep telling ourselves to just relax - it will only be a matter of time before we find ourselves converseing with others easily...
 
Eddie,

being shy is a learned behavior. You need to unlearn it.

I wish I could offer you some great advice on how to do that, but I can't. What I can tell you is this, you didn't get this way over night, don't expect it to change over night.

sorry for spelling, closed out word now it won't open.

Z
 
Eddie,
I feel the exact same way. My prep was a substitute teacher. Way before that my rageholic but holy father publicly abused(physical and emotional) me and my brother numerous times. If it were in US, he would be in jail for even one hundredth of the abuse.
Anyway, I did get involved in sports. It was my refuge. I was around a a lot of people. Lot of people wanted to be my friend. Problem was that without knowing I would invade other's emotional boundary just too often. By the time I graduated from college, I had about four close friends. As we grew older, I could tell all my friends left me me behind emotionally. It felt like they started suspecting my mental make-up. Slowly and surely we grew apart. Right now I don't have any true friends. Couple of my Pool & Bar buddies still like me as a human being and wants to be friends. I would not have any of it. My fear is that, if they spend too much time with me, I will loose them also.
I am in therapy now. Very soon I will be in a CSA support group. I would also like to join a SIA(anonymous) group, and I have this forum. Lord knows I suffered way more than enough. Something good has to happen. Just don't know how and when. I bet it is one of those things. I would only know how and when only when it had already happened.
Well Eddie, you are not alone in it, and it is not our fault.
-honest_lion
 
I agree with Brian, being shy is 'learned' much of the time. It is like to lose weight. You will not lose fifty pounds in a week. But maybe you can lose 3, or 5. It is a matter of taking little steps, and keeping at it. Perhaps the first step is taking the initiative, and being the first to say 'hello' or 'good morning'. Do you have any interests that maybe another would share? Music, movies, books, sports? Follow up the hello with 'How are you today?' or 'How is work?' or 'How about those Cardinals?' or some such 'small talk' thing. It has to start somewhere. Maybe there are other people just as intimidated and shy, and you making the first move could start a friendship.

Take good care of yourself, and try to take the first steps. You are worth it.

leosha
 
That has definitely been a problem in my life. A part of it for me was/is shame. And of course low self confidence, learned from being sexually abused, but not that alone.

I could really only be confident with people if I had a mask on. Or if it was a social situation with strict guidelines of behavior, then I could act the part.

I know this is true because as I have exposed the shame to light, and worked on the self esteem, my social interactions have become much more natural and open.
 
Hey Eddie,
Yup, as others here say, I think its a common problem. Lack of trust. The energy involved in keeping up the walls. All of it just makes it easier to isolate. Little by little I work on it and some days it's better than others. I'm currently really struggling with it because I moved and left behind the friendships I'd built. Yuck. Now it's like I have to open myself up to examination all over again in seeking new friends. It really sucks. One rule I'm using right now is that when someone invites me out or asks me to do something socially, I always accept. No more letting self-doubt hold me back. I may make a fool of myself, but who cares. It's not like anyone but me is keeping score.
Take care
Dan
 
Originally posted by Dan88:
No more letting self-doubt hold me back. I may make a fool of myself, but who cares. It's not like anyone but me is keeping score.
Take care
Dan
Click to expand...
Wow. They arent? Ill trust youre right. :)
 
I don't know if shy is a learned behavior or not, but that sure does make a lot of sense.

There are things you can do to help get over it. All baby steps. Those cashiers at the store are a confined audience and a short visit. Practice saying hi to them and have a short conversation with them. (Doing this got me a summer of free coffees) It's tough at first, but gets easier. You can also say "hi" and maybe a little something else to the people as you hold a door open for them. (Doing that got me a free coffee one day) (Hmmm, free coffee; there's more than one payoff form this)

We have so many chances through the day to interact, even in solitary lives.

Our chat room is also another way to practice talking to people, but doesn't replace face to face conversation.

Take a step forward and learn to open up a little. Test the waters. And who knows, you may make a friend or two.

Take care,
Bill
 
I know what you mean about being friends with other men. It appears that I try to hard and allow them to be mean or maybe those are people I befriend. I am starting to understand that real friendship works both ways. The people you are friends with have a big impact on your life. They should be supportive, fun and people you can depend on. I have learned that they are not therapist and may have issues of their own. Good luck..be yourself and try to get involved in activities that you like. You will start to meet people when you are at ease and relaxed
 
I also see some of that in myself in some ways. with new people i get very anxious, and i think that they can see through me, see what i'm thinking, and see the lack of confidence that i have. with friends that i've already made, and had for a while, i get paranoid that they are being fake with me, or talking behind my back, or just doubting the friendships altogether. you are definitely not alone in this. this anxiety drives me nuts, especially since i am in a relatively new job, and there is alot of interaction around the office, and i'm supposed to be a confident and personable person, but i find myself retreating to my desk and paperwork often, to avoid these situations so i dont make a fool of myself. but then i'm so quiet that i feel like others take notice, and talk about me anyway, so its a big catch 22, and i'm still trying to figure it out... so yes, the CSA has had some effect on the way that i interact socially, but i'm always working on it....

cpt.
 
Eddie,

What you have to say really resonates with me. Even today, I often feel very isolated and alone. Though I have one or two close friends, I have next to no acquaintances on a casual basis. Like you, sports is a topic that I have utterly no liking for or interest in. I freeze up at the need for small talk. Communicating with men is really hard for me.

What I've found that works for me is to just be gentle and take baby steps. I've come a very long way. I'm one of those store cashiers that Bill talks about in his message. I have to make small talk. That in itself is good for me. Just be gentle with yourself.

Tom
 
Humph, do I ever see myself in this thread!

I know a LOT of people: A LOT of people come to me to get questions answered.... But friends? Close or otherwise? Not a one.

That is sad and one of the things I have to concentrate on as I put all of my available time/effort into myself/therapy/etc.

I'm not really shy. I can walk onto a stage or onto a TV studio floor and perform. The thing is, it's all performance! Me, the guy I am, is not part of it.

jw
 
Excellent thread. I can see me all through it. And the helpful comments have been terrific.

What I used to do was be whatever anyone wanted me to be (percieved or otherwise). It was a false friendship based on a lie. My own. Because I could not be me (shame guilt the whole bag of shit thing). I hid behind the defensive walls I created and that kept me a prisoner.

Now I agree with the comment. It is only me keeping score. Just remember when you make a new friend and you are nervous and unsure of yourself the other party also has some trepidation. (Wow a big word for me). ;)
 
I was ALWAYS uncomfortable with using Shy as a description for me...I used it only occasionally since most people understand it/somewhat. After exiting Denial about the results of and the true severity of my Abuse, I found Shame was the word that fit, or Sexual Shame specifically with girls - I could not even give a desirous look at a girl without feeling like a pervert. Friends is slightly different for me...my problem is my Hatred Of Humanity, or the seemingly lack of humanity! I:m on internet here in Japan miles from most English speaking peoples, trying desperately for new friends...in the old addage of Get Out There and Try. I feel like I:m failing, but I know I must try and fail, rather than not trying and definitely failing. It:s tough, but Reaching Out is all our issues here, I hope you find a way to reach out with success, I:m personally frustrated here in a foreign land. All I know is at least the people at this site Understand your issues, I do in a big major way. Peace, I:ll be your friend if you want one...
 
Me too. Especially with men. Now that I look back on my life, even the couple people I thought were my close friends really didn't know me.

Now that I know conciously that I'm not all the bad things that I've always thought, I can force myself to interact more. I'm trying to unlearn the bad behavior.

I was going to post in the exercise thread but I'll do it here because it's more about meeting people than exercise.

I joined an Over 30 soccer club. Partly for the exercise but mostly becasue I'm tired of thinking I'm different and don't fit in. I'm not sure I'm going to make any friends but I'm going to try to be open to it. I'm just so tired of living in the shadows.

I was very scared walking up to a bunch of people I didn't know. But once the ball started getting kicked around and a few introductions were made I started to feel a little more comfortable. I recognize that a good portion of what I showed was an act but I'm looking at that as baby steps. I at least put some part of myself out there.

I felt good and I felt free. Now I feel soar and can hardly walk. :eek:

I can't wait to go back.

Dave
 
I kind of second what Dan was saying. I'm emotionally hurt, so I don't want to open up, I invent a persona to deal with the public which takes a great deal of energy, and so isolation seems like the best option. I've heard that isolating is unhealthy, and the lonliness is awful sometimes, but interacting just seems like too much for me most of the time.

Howard
 
Guys I know it is hard but you all have to let people in. Sure it is a risk cause we dont want to get hurt again but the upside is that people will like you for who you are right now and that really helps in the self esteem department.

I sent a pm to someone about this sort of thing and I am including it here.
I learned that it was never my fault and that my anger was misdirected. It used to be directed at myself or those I love the most (my wife and daughter 23). I learned why I have difficulty with authority to this day and am working on it.

I discovered MS two years ago and 18 months ago joined a health club. For years I recognize I had been hiding the body that I thought got me into trouble. I am in great shape now and nobdody has come after me > Hey what a surprise.

AFter joining MS I learned that I was not alone or a freak. I had learned something in AA. For the first five years I hated every goddammed one of them but wanted what they had. AFter five years I liked them all and i found that by giving I received help back ten times over. Helping others is good for me because it feeds my self esteem. I know I cannot help everyone and that is ok too. I also owe a big debt to MS for being their when I needed a place. I pay it back by helping others. Because in the long run we have all got to be there for those who are still being sexually assaulted and those that are still hiding. It is also to unite us in a voice so that society will have to listen.
I also feel that I am repaying a huge debt to my long dead friend. Actually he as a also a person I shared intimacy with freely and honestly. I know he is pleased with what I am doing and just as importantly so am I.

I married my wife for all the wrong reasons and love her for all the right ones. As far as sexuality goes I have no idea what I am. I acted out and sold myself to men. I freely had sex with my friend and if a guy had come along when Nicole did who knows. All I know is that I am at peace with myself and that is huge. I also kind of like me warts and all and I want to help others to get to what I call that state of grace.

We cannot change what happened we can only change our emotions and feelings around them. It is very hard to do but I am happy to help where I can. I now carry that idea into all facets of my life. I can honestly say I dont think I would go back and change anything because in the long run it has made me more aware of who I truly am and I have met so mamy great men that I otherwise would never have met had things been different.

I also think it has made me more tolerant of others and I know realize that all of humanity has issues to deal with. I do not have a terminal illness, I am not alone, I am loved, I am not confined to a wheelchair or am blind. I have been in the belly of the tiger and have emerged a better person than I could possilby have believed. I know now it is ok to dream and it is ok to suffer the accidents of life. It is all part of the human condition.

To be at peace and to actually live life is so rewarding for me. For too long I merely was a witness to life.
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by Mike Church:
....To be at peace and to actually live life is so rewarding for me. For too long I merely was a witness to life.
Click to expand...
Mike - Thanks so much for posting this. The first sentence above is where I want to go, but that last sentence is where I know I am right now. I feel like I am merely marking days on a calendar, waiting on the end. Hopefully, someday, I'll get to that point of peace you spoke of.
 
Eddie and all:

Thank you for this thread. It hits home for me, too.

I have often felt like I was on the outside looking in in terms of friendships.

All around me people seemed to be getting together, chatting comfortably while I stood, often with my back against the wall (quite literally sometimes, or figuratively at others), believing that I was content to merely "observe".

But there's a loneliness that comes from this, whether I could ever admit it or not. For almost as long as I can remember I have felt that I needed to be self-sufficient - living alone, cooking (such as it is) for myself, believing I cherished the solitude and - frankly - feeling overwhelmed when there are too many people around.

So why is it, even when I am among safe acquaintances and potential friends, do I still play this observer/wall-flower role? It is too easy to believe that to talk with someone, to be friendly, will only lead to bad experiences like those of my youth. In that sense, I am allowing past experience dictate the present. I know it is illogical, and God knows I spend a lot of time thinking, but it takes effort to change and - until recently - I did not feel like I wanted to put too much effort into changing. Even still I sometimes retreat, like a turtle pulling its head back in to its shell.

One simple thing I always have trouble with, in meeting or being introduced to new people, is remembering their name. It's as if my brain snaps shut when I hear it, or tosses it out like a vending machine coughing back a perfectly fine coin. Now that could be something as understandable as ADHD (I forget what it stands for - see???) or it could be my self-centered self-conscious saying, "Don't bother remembering this name. Other people aren't important." All I know is that I am aware of this problem and I am getting more comfortable saying, five seconds after being told, "I'm sorry I've forgotten your name already."

I kind of went off on a tangent with the name-forgetting thing. But I think it's a symptom of the deeper condition Eddie was writing about. I could be wrong.

Kenn
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top