Abuse affects ways of relating...

[FormerTexan]

I've noted over time that not only was I not given the tools to relate to people in thr right ways, but I was given a pack of lies that became my relating style. This "style" caused me a ton of trouble the first chunk of my life. I have spent the last ten years or so really trying to undo this, but it's so ingrained that I haven't been able to undo every lie yet.

As hard as I try, I can't get everything changed permanently. The lies bleed over into my relationships. I could be plugging along with someone real good, relating like who-knows-what and communicating real good. Then something will happen that touches one of the lies, and things get thrown out of whack. It's not until after the fact that I think of several other better ways to handle the situation. Meanwhile, I've cast doubt in the other person's mind in the process. I sure hate that.

This happened recently in a relationship with a friend. I enjoy my relationships with my friends. I don't want them to get shaken. And I don't want to be casting doubts on them. I want them to be healing and helpful, for both of us. Thanks to abuse issues compounded with a lack of relational skills in the beginning, relationships get tested in unexpected ways from time to time and I don't know how to handle it. I'm learning, and I'm doing my best, but things happen and my lack of normal relating skills gets in the way of things.

I have no delusions of having it "all figured out." But when I have a good friendship or relationship of some caliber and it gets a setback, that doesn't mean I want to give up. I want it to get back up and get going, for both of us.

 

[scooter]

I appreciate this post. I realized that friendships and relationships are hard for me because I can easily shut down and run away or just not show who I am.

It's amazing because what you are talking about seems to still affect even my long term relationships and most deeply the relationship with my wife. She and I are best of friends and she's really learned how to read me even in the silence. I cannot hide from her, she calls me back out. She respects my trust issues and insecurities and I'm slowly learning over time to trust myself and respect myself and even see myself in relationships.

She also has let me know how it hurts her that she can't completely trust me, the little lies and part of my life being so closed off, fueled her own insecurities. Being honest with myself and being honest with her can be very challenging and at times there are the setbacks. But as you said, "that doesn't mean I want to give up," I will fight to be open and honest in my relationships and I won't let the SA sabotage the good things in my life.