About this Kid

About this Kid
E

Enigma

Registrant
Been working on reconnecting with who I was before the abuse began at 7, along with the kid who had to take it. I know him better now than I did a year ago.

About this Kid

He is funny
He is playful
He can be very happy
He is lovable
He is sensitive
He is nave
He is trusting
He is loyal
He is very alive
He is a good boy
He is 6 years old


He is very angry and bitter
He is full of rage
He is paranoid and suspicious
He is very resentful and mistrustful
He is pessimistic and cynical
He has a lot of self-hatred
He is very ashamed
He is emotionally masochistic
He feels unlovable, disfigured
He feels very weak
He is very scared
He is very anxious
He is terrified of being hurt again
His life force is very constricted
He can be really unfair to himself
He can be very controlling
He can be self-damaging and cruel to himself
He is really, really stubborn
Hes not that mature, so sometimes doesnt make the best choices.
He wants to be respected
He has untapped great power and strength
He is 10 years old
 
Chris It is good to go back and get to know that child that was so trusting of others. As you see he was a good kid that didn't do anything wrong. Evil was done to him. Muldoon
 
Chris,

All the great qualities in the 6 year old are still there, in the 10 year old and in the adult. The things that some might call "bad" about the 10 year old are really only feelings. (Check the list, they are.) Feelings aren't who he is. They're just a reaction to the evil that was done to him.

Glad someone who cares is getting to know them both. Nothing but good can come from that.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Chris,

all of that, all of the 'Kid', it is part of you, and is valid and worthy of love and kindness, I swear that to you. I am glad that you can do some reconnection to him. I recently tried that, and felt it strongly, that it was recieved and accepted. I hope the same occurs for you. You are a good man, and you were a good boy.

leosha
 
Chris,

I believe that Joe posted an excellent reply.

The feelings of the 10 yo are feelings from the SA and are not who he was nor will be. The good qualities stated in the 6 yo are still there, just being held back/surpressed by the negative feelings.

Confront your feelings, address them one by one and see that they are not you, but how you feel about what the perp(s) did to you. Then you will be able to let them go so they don't hide all those wonderful qualities about yourself.

Bill
 
This just seems appropriate. It was in the movie "About a Boy"

Something to Talk About
----Badly Drawn Boy

I've been dreaming of the things i've learnt about a boy
Whose bleeding, celebrate to elevate
The joy is not the same without the pain

Ipso facto
Using up your oxygen, you know i'm shallow
Calling out for extra help
You've got to let me in or let me out

0h something to talk about
Yeah something to talk about

I've been dreaming of the things i've learnt about a boy
Whose leaving, nothing else to chance again
You've got to let me in or let me out

Oh something to talk about
Yeah something to talk about
 
Thanks for your replies.

My 10 year old self kept himself together by denying, on an emotional level, that he had no control and no power over the awful things that his perpetrators were doing to him.

This denial served an important purpose. It offered some limited emotional strength and protection at the time. This defense also was/is rigid and inflexible, and can turn self-destructive in a heartbeat.

I have recently asked, as gently and directly as possible, my 10 year old kid to surrender to the reality that that he/we had no control and no power over what was happening to him. Surrendering to the emotional reality will allow us to grieve at a deep level, which is so important to heal effectively.

"Surrender" is a very loaded word to this kid. I am asking him let go of the one thing that kept him from being utterly annihilated and destroyed. I am asking him to have faith and trust that I will be there to catch him, comfort him, soothe him, protect him. That we'll be able to rely on support from good, caring people.

This kid is one tough customer. While he is beginning to see the potential for living a whole, integrated life, he has many objections to letting go. While some objections are unreasonable, others make a lot of sense. He greatly fears being attacked and ridiculed for showing any sign of weakness or emotional pain. Since "we" also carry the cruel, harsh, angry introjects from our caretakers, this fear isn't entirely unfounded.

He also fears being betrayed and abandoned by people who claim to care about him, and on whom he depended. This happened to him twice, and it nearly killed him. Never Again is his mantra. He would rather be alone than risk being abandoned a third time. Again, the introjects we carry make an emotional abandonment a possibility in the heat of battle.

In other words, I understand that I must attach to this 10 year old part, and more importantly, he must attach to and depend on his adult self. This kid is demanding absolute perfection and guarantees from his adult self. I cant offer perfection. I cant promise I wont make mistakes that might hurt him/us. This terrifies him.

I seem to have misplaced the right chapters from the Step-by-Step Guide to Recovering from Child Abuse that I figure somebody has. :rolleyes:

ps Bill -- like your proverbs!
 
SF Chris - Wow, did your last entry put so much of what I've been feeling into perspective, put it into words, and beautifully at that. I want to send it to everyone who doesn't understand what it is we go through.
I'm frequently befuddled at how we/I can see things so clearly on an intelectual level yet we have so much difficulty applying them on an emotional level. But every time I understand things a little more, I think it helps me to get closer.
I too feel this constant battle within, trying to let go of how I've done things for thirty years in order to survive knowing that, ultimately, continuing along the same path will result in my destruction. But I'm holding on for dear life at the same time, terrified of what is in store.
Of course, it doesn't help matters that I am being sued for harassment by my abuser simply because I attempted to contact him by telephone. With that hanging over my head, I'm not able to properly address the emotional and psychological aspects of my abuse and, hopefully, eventually, my healing and recovery.
Anyway, thank you for articulating the thoughts and feelings I've been struggling with. I wish you well, you certainly seem to be on the way to a better place.
 
Chris
when you find the "step by step" guide, post me a copy !

Until then I'll revel in the joy of reading other peoples posts about inner child work.

I can't read them without feeling huge emotions, they make cry every time - I don't mind admitting it. :eek:

My therapist does it every week at our group as well, she knows exactly which button to press - "young David" - works every time.

It's some powerful stuff, and so worthwile.
There IS good within all our boys ( and girls ) and we owe it to ourselves to go back and rescue those kids.


And Stee, welcome to MS. I'm glad to see that you want to find your boy as well, I hope we can help.

Dave
 
**Removed by Author**
Sorry if my post triggered you. I didn't think it needed a warning. I guess I was wrong.
 
Don,

Your honesty in your original post was helpful to me. I read it several times.

But, I surmise noting it with ***TRIGGER*** would have been helpful for others. I will try to remember to do this as well.
 
Chris,

He sounds like a wonderful boy who was hurt by a brutal, selfish person.

He turned out all right.

Peace and love, my brother,

Scot
 
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