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about me
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proteus

Registrant
I found this site about a week ago and have been reading a lot of the posts. Right now I just don't know where else to turn so here goes...

I'm not sure really what to say or how to begin. I was abused 20 years ago when I was 10 by a cousin who was 2 years older than me. I caught him another cousin together and shortly after that he started touching me which lead to other things. I've never told anyone. Recently something happened with my wife and I that triggered an uncomfortable feeling. She picked up on it immediately because she was abused when she was child and pressured me until I told her what had happnened to me. This November is our 10 year anniversary and she doesn't understand why I never told her. I never told anyone. Things between us have changed and I'm not sure what to do to make them better. I love my wife, but lately it seems that everytime we remotely might be leaning towards intimacy, I can't help but wonder if she is thinking about what happened to me. She is pressuring me to tell my mother, and I want to, but I'm just scared of what her reaction would be. I feel like my life is being tossed about and I have no control.
 
Proteus,

Welcome to Male Survivor, and I hope the site will help you. There are a lot of good guys here, and you will be understood and supported.

It sounds like your wife feels that you didn't tell her about the abuse because you didn't trust her. So this is something that should be discussed with her, I think. There are many reasons why a survivor doesn't disclose to those close to him. He may think he "got over it" and it's not a big deal anymore. He may have been in denial and so didn't have really coherent memories. Or it may be that he remembers it all and is just too ashamed and traumatized to talk about it. Your wife is right in seeing this as a trust issue, but not in thinking that the distrust is directed at her personally. The problem is that the survivor finds it difficult to trust at all and fears that if he discloses he will be rejected, blamed and judged. As you yourself say, you never told anyone.

Your relationship with your wife sounds like a loving and caring one, so it seems to me that what you need to do is sit down and discuss these things honestly to clear the air. It's better to hear what she is thinking about what happened to you than to wonder about it.

You refer to her pressuring you to tell your mother. You don't say why she thinks this is important, but it seems to me that she needs to ease back on this pressure. It doesn't do you any good, and as say, it is making you feel uncomfortable and out of control.

This control problem is about trust too. Now that your wife knows, the word is out in the sense that it isn't entirely up to you who knows and who finds out. Here again, something to talk about.

Much love,
Larry
 
first, welcome, and i am sorry that you need a place like this. it is a good place though, and i hope you find all the support and comfort i have over the years.

your wife is wrong in a way. it isnt time to start coming out to everyone. honestly, you have to be ready before you do that, just in case it doesnt go well. there will be a time to do that, but i dont feel it should be rushed in to. i suggest reading mic hunter's abused boys. he discusses this in there.

as for intimacy, to have intimacy a couple must be completely open and honest with each other. your secrete kind of harmed it some, but it didnt violate the relationship in a way that wont heal with time. you have to become more comfortable with her knowing, and she has to settle back in. the fact you had a secrete has unsettled her. i can gaurentee right now she's wondering what else your hiding is why things are kind of rocky. in time that will pass, as long as you dont violate her trust with lies and hiding things from her.

you will be okay. coming here was a good start. now if we can just get you to see someone, you'll be on your way to a happier life.
 
My wife wants me to tell my mother because when she was abused she told her mother and her mother shielded her from her abuser (her father). This all happened to her when she was a child and I trying to explain to her that it feels different to me since I am 30 y.o. I never realized when I was growing up that my abused caused so many of the problems I had as a teenager. I was very withdrawn from my family, had a very low self-esteem, and often cried myself to sleep at night. When Nintendo came out I turned to video games to keep my mind off things which turned into an addiction. I guess video games was a better addiction than most other things a teenager could get involved in. I never really understood all that went on in my teenage years until I started reading some of the post here. I want to tell my mother, who always loved and supported me, even now that I went back to school and will graduate in 2 years. I just don't want her to feel guilty about things that happened to me a long time ago.
 
Hi. I won't comment on how to relate to your wife, because I've never had an intimate relationship that lasted more than 2 months, BUT I feel confident in telling you that you need to talk about it in a safe evironment like here at MS, or with a T, before you start disclosing.

I disclosed almost right away when I started to confront my problems, (to my parents), but I was also ready for anything when I did it. Frankly, I let my anger take over and really didn't care about consequences. My point being, is that we all take different avenues of disclosure, and it REALLY seems obvious that you need to talk about it here for a while before you disclose to more people.
 
Proteus,

You're right. There really isn't much to compare between your wife telling her mother when she was a child and you telling yours now that you are an adult.

For some thoughts on disclosure, have a look at Ken Singer's article here on the site: https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks, I found the article very helpful.
 
proteus,

I'm a bit late to this thread as I've been mostly away from the discussion board for a good portion of the week. I'd like to bid you welcome and hope that you find here the help and support you are looking for.

Right now the most important thing for you to do is to take care of you. That may mean posting and reading here, it may mean seeking a therapist to talk to, it may mean having a good cuddle with your wife and just spilling your guts to her about stuff including how you feel concerning her efforts to tell you what you need to be doing. If you feel this is needful, I wouldn't do it in a confrontational way at all, but just quiet, open, and honest.

Taking care of you, may mean any number of things to you, but the important thing to remember is that this is your trauma to recover from, and no one else's. That means that things need to happen when you're ready for them to happen. If you allow yourself to be rushed or coerced into taking some action or another, further personal trauma could result, which could be damaging to all concerned.

Scripture tells us that we are wonderfully made. When you were a child, you had the terrible misfortune of having that wonder stolen from you. Now that you've reached this point, it's time to begin rediscovering the wonder that is you.

Lots of love,

John
 
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