About me (triggers)
Hi! I found this site today and have hardly been able to read it for the tears. I am struggling to experience and express the feelings of joy to have finally found a group of men like me. I am also struck by a profound empathy while reading some of your stories. This place is for me.
As you can see my name is Rob. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
There is nowhere to start but the beginning. I was always my mother's "special little man". Even long before it ever got overtly sexual. She would always fawn over me and try really hard to show her love for me. My family was really involved in church as I was growing up. You may have heard the saying "We were there every time the church doors were open." Well, we had a key. Anyway, in my mid-teens, my mother started to change. She began to drink and smoke and curse. Things I had never seen her do before. As I was in my "rebelious" stage I thought at the time that these things were "cool". It was at this time that she sat myself and my sister down and told us that she didn't love our dad anymore and asked us if we thought that she should ask him to leave. As if we were adults! Well, needless to say they were divorced. With dad out of the house this gave her the freedom to do as she wished. She would let me invite my friends over and she would buy alcohol for us and let us all get wasted together. I found out later that she would have sex with my friends after I had gone to bed. I wondered why I had gained so many friends as I was not exactly an outgoing and popular guy. Well, eventually I guess it was my turn. One night she pulled me into the bedroom after several bottles of wine and proceeded to seduce me. She told me that she had always wanted to be my "first" and that she had a special bond with me that noone would understand. She told me that she wanted to show me how much she "loved" me. I don't know how many times it happened after that. I do know that it lasted for quite a while. I remember shutting down mentally and emotionally. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed. I remember wanting it to stop. I remember feeling that if I didn't do what she wanted, she would leave too and then I would have noone. Dad was still around but he lived elsewhere. He never knew what was happening. She was a master manipulator and had effectively shut him out of our lives.
Eventually the abuse stopped when she found a guy that she liked well enough to move in with us. Thank God he was a good guy. When I was about 23, I told my (then) fiance about the abuse. She was not very supportive. She asked me questions that I had never asked myself. "Did you enjoy it?" "Did you ever initiate it?" "Do you think that's normal?" How do I know you won't do that to our kids?" Each question hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke off contact with mom for a few months and began my healing.
Mom has since spent 5 years in prison for "loving" someone else. She was released in March.
Now, 10 years and a divorce later, I am still on that path. I am currently in therapy for self-esteem and the sexual abuse issues. I speak to mom occaisionally. She admits what she did and says that she is ready to do whatever it takes to help me heal.
Thank you for reading this. Like Roland said in one of his posts, the more you tell your story the easier it becomes. Also, Thank you to the founders, board members, moderartors, and members of this site for making a place for me to come. It means more than I can say.
Rob
As you can see my name is Rob. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
There is nowhere to start but the beginning. I was always my mother's "special little man". Even long before it ever got overtly sexual. She would always fawn over me and try really hard to show her love for me. My family was really involved in church as I was growing up. You may have heard the saying "We were there every time the church doors were open." Well, we had a key. Anyway, in my mid-teens, my mother started to change. She began to drink and smoke and curse. Things I had never seen her do before. As I was in my "rebelious" stage I thought at the time that these things were "cool". It was at this time that she sat myself and my sister down and told us that she didn't love our dad anymore and asked us if we thought that she should ask him to leave. As if we were adults! Well, needless to say they were divorced. With dad out of the house this gave her the freedom to do as she wished. She would let me invite my friends over and she would buy alcohol for us and let us all get wasted together. I found out later that she would have sex with my friends after I had gone to bed. I wondered why I had gained so many friends as I was not exactly an outgoing and popular guy. Well, eventually I guess it was my turn. One night she pulled me into the bedroom after several bottles of wine and proceeded to seduce me. She told me that she had always wanted to be my "first" and that she had a special bond with me that noone would understand. She told me that she wanted to show me how much she "loved" me. I don't know how many times it happened after that. I do know that it lasted for quite a while. I remember shutting down mentally and emotionally. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed. I remember wanting it to stop. I remember feeling that if I didn't do what she wanted, she would leave too and then I would have noone. Dad was still around but he lived elsewhere. He never knew what was happening. She was a master manipulator and had effectively shut him out of our lives.
Eventually the abuse stopped when she found a guy that she liked well enough to move in with us. Thank God he was a good guy. When I was about 23, I told my (then) fiance about the abuse. She was not very supportive. She asked me questions that I had never asked myself. "Did you enjoy it?" "Did you ever initiate it?" "Do you think that's normal?" How do I know you won't do that to our kids?" Each question hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke off contact with mom for a few months and began my healing.
Mom has since spent 5 years in prison for "loving" someone else. She was released in March.
Now, 10 years and a divorce later, I am still on that path. I am currently in therapy for self-esteem and the sexual abuse issues. I speak to mom occaisionally. She admits what she did and says that she is ready to do whatever it takes to help me heal.
Thank you for reading this. Like Roland said in one of his posts, the more you tell your story the easier it becomes. Also, Thank you to the founders, board members, moderartors, and members of this site for making a place for me to come. It means more than I can say.
Rob
