About being alone

[Caetel]

I just need to write my thoughts and feelings about what happened recently. I had a final meeting with my lawyer this morning after the charges against my father have been dropped. I have been feeling very rocky emotionnally lately because I knew I would close a door for good with my family. I expected to find in my father's and sisters' testimonies a lot of trash but still I had to face the truth (my mother stragely enough had not been interrogated). It was all there: the lies (the family is normal or perfect), the blame, the accusations (I am delusional, paranoiac, mythomaniac, I want money or revenge)... I pinned a few "classics" : my father/abuser put forward all his titles and medals, presented himself as a perfect father- provider and totally forgot about beating my twin and I with the dog leash and of course the 11 years of rape and other sexual abuses. The weirdest was that he got my birth date and my younger sister's completely wrong by two years each time. I suspect it really means something.
My sisters seemed to have repeated a well taught story. Anyway I have been feeling very down lately, very lonely. I tend to keep things to myself. I went into depersonalisation mode yesterday so I skipped classes at University. I miss V so much. I remember the feelings I had when I was with him. I felt loved and protected and I need to feel like that again. But then again I am confused because I have no idea what love in a relationship is supposed to feel like and I am scared all the time that I am going to get dysfunctional if I feel anything for anyone.
I am feeling very lonely right now but again loneliness is something I have to get used too.
It is so hard to reach out, I am a survivor and there are no words to tell about what's going on inside. V knew, he could read my pain and just be there. There is no language for this pain and for all the sufferings endured. I really feel like a damaged good with broken pieces, new pieces and missing pieces.
A guy chatted me up today in the metro while I was going to see the lawyer. He called me princess and I turned around, expecting to see the person he called princess. I pushed him away hesitating a moment between frankly telling him about my horrible life (in the style: "I am an incest survivor so I won't be a good fuck, don't bother ! ") or telling him I was not interested because I love someone else. In the end I decided for the second version but sure I will have to try at least once the firt option.
Enough rambling, I think I will go for a retreat in the benedictine abbey of Jouarre near Paris this week end. That seems to be the most sensible thing to do to make peace with this feeling of loneliness.
Thank you for reading, I need to leave all of this somewhere
Caro

 

[Lloydy]

Caro
We all need to unload our crap, and it's a good thing to do. If we didn't we'd burst.

The man on the metro, feel good about it, feel flattered, it's a nice feeling.

Dave

 

[beautifuldisaster]

Caro,
Hugs and prayers your way. You are going thru so much. I wake up every day feeling different. This is like being dragged thru an emotional war zone, with days I feel like I am victorious and days I feel like a target that can no longer go on.
Just take care of yourself...you have provided so much insight for us as you have both sides of perspective you bring to the forum.
We all care about you very much.

xo

 

[Caetel]

Thank you both. Things are really bad right now. I took the week off university, I just can't go there, too tired, too depressed, too scared, too emotional and too sad.
Yes emotional war zone is the word and it seems the pain is never ending. In the meantime, "my perfect father" is living a good life, enjoying his large pension, no guilt, no responsability, like V's mother, like so many abusers. Makes me want to scream, makes me want to throw up, makes me want to kill him, her and all the others.
My uncle tells me I have to forgive but I can't. The best I can do is pity him, pity the rest of my family and the rest of the abusers.
I am going to my class of kundalini yoga tonight. I hope it will help me to find peace inside of me.
Thank you for your love and support
Caro