About a so called "friend"

[martin]

Hi all,

Hope this ok for me to post here. I need some support about a so called friendship and just to vent a little.

Ok so here is what happened. My friend, the person I first disclosed my SA to has given me the axe. She ended the friendship, supposedly for my emotional health. What a bunch of crap.

She ended it because she felt like she would have to be careful what she said around me feeling like I would take it the wrong way. I admit that I have been emotional and vulnerable lately. I even suggested that I wanted to take the relationship to another level at some point.

She knew all the troubles I was have lately and even admitted to her that I needed help. I never asked her for anything she always offered but always seemed annoyed and dismissive whem I called her.

This is the person who when she broke up with her boyfriend a month ago got nothing but my unconditional support. Was even grateful for it.
She told me now that she got back together with him and I'm out. She said she has decided to back away from me for good and felt good for having decided that.

There are so many layers to this and I realize that my sense of victimization played a role in the begining when we first met, ie being shy, needy and withdrawing at times.

I should feel releived I know this had the makings of a bad relationship from the start. She seems to have a lot of problems of her own that she is unwilling to deal with. I feel sick, foolish, depressed, and rejected, yeah even a little releived.

Am I wrong to want support? Couldn't she just be honest about why she ended and not blame it on me? I can take honesty would be very respectful of it.

Sorry if this was the wrong forum to post this, just would like to have a chance to hear from some people who are willing to be supportive of their friends and loved ones. I'm really glad this forum his here and am inspired by the support everyone here shows their loved ones.

Thank you much,

Aaron

 

[melnjams]

Well, since you gave me some advice, here goes some from a woman's point of view. It sounds to me like your friend could not handle the situation of being your friend knowing about your SA. It's not an easy thing to deal with whether you are a friend or a partner with someone. As her friend, you were there for her through her break up. That shows true friendship. I honestly feel that if she wanted to be your friend, she would try to find ways to deal with what you brought forth to her. That is what friends are for. You mentioned that she said she feels good for going back to her boyfriend and leaving you to deal with your problems. Well, when her and the boyfriend break up again (which they probably will), do not open your door for her again. If she did this once, she will do it again and if you let her in, she will shut the door on you once again. It's not the end of the world. I know you are hurt and angry but like my mother always told me, "This to shall pass." And everytime she has told me that, she's right. I may go through a little pain for a while there but that is just part of life. And you have people here that are always willing to listen to you if you need to talk about something. So hold your head up high and smile. Hope this helped a little.

 

[stpbb]

Hey -- I think you are in the right place. At least we seem to talk about & analyze relationships a lot here.

You said: "I should feel releived I know this had the makings of a bad relationship from the start. She seems to have a lot of problems of her own that she is unwilling to deal with. I feel sick, foolish, depressed, and rejected, yeah even a little releived."

I have to agree about the relief -- sounds like you are better off without her in your life. She seems pretty selfish & to tell you that it is for your own good, if I may be so blunt, sounds just like a really stupid thing to say. Perhaps she intends to be kind, but you deserve so much more.

I think you hit it on the head when you say she has problems to deal with & that is my guess as to the real reason she is pulling away. You supported her through her breakup also, and now she is getting back into that relationship. I know I've been there with friends whose shoulder I cried on for support & it takes some effort to go back to them & say thanks for the support & ask for support going back into the relationship. It is awkward at best, and since she seems like she has 'issues' it may be beyond her abilities to deal with your friendship & her relationship at the same time.

"Am I wrong to want support? Couldn't she just be honest about why she ended and not blame it on me? I can take honesty would be very respectful of it."
Again, you seem to be getting at the real heart of this -- it isn't about you & she shouldn't blame you for her decisions. Not fair to you & really not honest. But sometimes honesty requires vulnerability & maybe she just can't handle it. Hard to say what it is without knowing her, but I think your take on it all sounds really reasonable, fair and non-judgemental or defensive so my guess is you've got her pretty well figured out.

I'm sorry she hurt you, it really stinks. You just really sound like you have your head on straight & you have a good perspective on it, so keep on keepin' on. Take care & post as much as you want. It is actually refreshing to see a post from a survivor asking for a reply -- I feel like I've gotten a lot of support and help here from survivors & since fam & friends don't generally post in the survivor forum, there isn't much opportunity to give any support in return. So come cry on our shoulders whenever you want!

-BB.

 

[martin]

Thanks for your support and encouragement.

Melissa

Well, when her and the boyfriend break up again (which they probably will), do not open your door for her again.

I would help her with her problems if she asked. She was helpful at times at least from a distance.

I wouldn't let her back into my life though.

Yes this will pass, I do believe that. Thanks for your reminder

BB

since she seems like she has 'issues' it may be beyond her abilities to deal with your friendship & her relationship at the same time.

I think tis is very true.

really not honest. But sometimes honesty requires vulnerability

Yeah she always seemed a little skittish talking about herself. She even mentioned that she was afraid of being vulnerable.

Its still a very hurtful thing either way. Who does that sort of thing?

Thanks again, I'll post here more often. This is one of my favorite forums on MS. Its heartening to see so many loving supportive partners and friends coming to offer and seek support.

Take care of yourselves too,

Aaron

 

[Marcs friend]

sounds like she wasn't trying very hard to be a good friend, even without the SA factor. Everyone has sensitive subjects. Good friends work through them, apologize if they say something that hurts, and go on from there. Sometimes I hesitate to say things, maybe a joke, maybe a personal comment. I'll think about it, and then sometimes I'll say it anyway and usually my friend is ok with that. I would never hurt him intentionally and I think he finally almost believes that. But I'm not perfect and will make mistakes. A sincere "I'm sorry" or "was I out of line with that?" can go a long way between friends. And sometimes a misguided comment can be a springboard to bring something out in the open that needs to be discussed - and then both people feel a little better for having faced an uncomfortable situation - and dealt with it - and become even stronger friends.

Sometimes we are better off without certain "friends" - there are other people out there - and here - who will be supportive and accepting. Try not to be afraid to trust other people though, once you become close to someone. There are a lot of people who have the strength to be supportive, to participate in a true friend relationship where the give and take isn't always 50-50. If it helps to talk about it, keep posting here anytime. We are willing to share our strength and support as much as you need it.

 

[PAS]

Its still a very hurtful thing either way. Who does that sort of thing?

People who are also hurting but don't know it and when they learn of another's abuse, are triggered. People of weak constitution and selfish people who are mired in their own pain and can't see outside of their own selfish interests. Lots of people do that kind of thing.

Sorry to rant but I've had people further victimize me for opening up and telling them about my abuse. Nothing hurts worse than people turning your own situation against you - like it was fucking bad enough to go through in the first place but to be somehow labelled "defective" and further victimized because of it... nothing makes me madder.

Again, sorry for the rant. But if its one thing that is true when you are going through a ton of shit, you quickly learn who your true friends are. At some points there is no gray zone - people either stick with you and care a whole fuckin lot for you or they split. Quickly.

 

[Lloydy]

Just ask them to close the door on the way out.

Your good friends will find it's always open.

Dave

 

[doctorfrau]

I would very much like to vent a bit on this subject...

The friend here has been labeled selfish and damaged in her own right, and I'm not saying that she wasn't, BUT I do have to assert that when dealing with this issue, that those of us who care are DAMNED if we do, and DAMNED if we don't. It's a totally no-win situation.

Was she selfish - or just being realistic? If she recognized that she was not committed or strong enough to deal with the issues, then wasn't it the mature thing to do, to bow out gracefully??

From personal experience, survivors seem to want it both ways - they push us away and then damn us for leaving them. They want support when THEY want it, but you'd damn well better not get in their "space" while doing it. Being so wrapped up in your own issues so as to ignore the needs and feelings of others seems like the real selfishness here.

This isn't directed at anyone in particular - I'm just venting my frustration with the situation on a personal level. It is enough to make you crazy to be invited into someone's life and pain, only to be accused of using it against them if you ever bring the subject up. Well durn it do you want a friend or not? Are we supposed to be cigar store indians - present, but silent??? There to take your calls when YOU need it, but never to call YOU because that is crossing a boundary?? Taking verbal abuse or emotional neglect without complaint, because making a fuss means that you are trying to "control" them??? That's not a friend - that's a doormat.

 

[Mike Church]

DF: Please note I have avoided this subject because it is a vast minefield for me.

Yeh we are selfish and yeh we are destructive and we are insufferable and we are ungrateful and we rage and we cry and we pull people to us and we push people away.

We too are damned. Damned by our own perceptions of ourselves, others and life. We really hate ourselves. I am not saying this is an excuse. I know the effort you made and it is above and beyond but please do not think that we want cigar store indians. We are terrified of being alone and at the same time terrified of letting someone in. It is so hard for us to be vulnerable.

There are no excuses for how we treat those we love the most. God knows my wife is a saint as is my daughter.

Some of us will never recover and for that I weep. Others of us take so very long to heal it can be painful for all concerned.

DF you did your best and that was not enough.

It happens.

 

[martin]

DF,

You make some very good points. I was a little selfish and emotionally unpredictable in that friendship. I'm not a saint. She put up with a lot to be my friend.

It probably was the right thing to do for her, and I'm fine with that, wish her all the best.

She's not a bad person, quite the opposite. It was just such a kick in the stomach when she ended it. Gasp for air.

I've read some of your story and from what I've read I have to agree with Mike.

Thanks Mike, you make some really good points as well.

We're all just people after all, survivors and their friends. Vulnerable and flawed.

Aaron

 

[doctorfrau]

Yep, we are definitely all human...

I really really appreciate the opportunity to vent - Martin, I didn't mean to hijack your thread

I guess it just struck a chord with me, and I've had so much frustration over this for the past few years. I'm wondering if I shouldn't stop coming here - brings stuff to the surface that is painful to remember about him. Maybe it's not good for me to keep on with this, because reading about you-all makes me want to keep trying. I know that is not a healthy thing - he has made his wishes ABUNDANTLY clear.

Had a lecture in Psych today on PTSD - it rang so many bells, and made me sad...

Anyhow - thanks for letting me blow off some steam