abandonment

abandonment
S

sampson

New Registrant
Guys,

i know this is the gay message board, but i am definitely bisexual and am very comfortable with my lifestyle. I thought i would post it here because i feel more comfortable.

i have had issues with abandonment, meaning when someone i get close to just up and leaves for no reason. And to top it off my doc put me on prozac and i have been experiencing manic episodes so it kinda complicates the issue.

anyway,the abandonment has always been my #1 issue, my father sexually abused me when i was 8-10, and he died soon after that. i think i was really attached to him at the time and that is where the root of this abandonment thing comes into play.

anyway, i would really appreciate others feedback on what they do when they experience this or what might be some new trick to solve this thing that keeps surfacing throughout my life.

ted
 
Ted,

My father started abusing me when I was 8 years and continued until I was 20. I did tell my mother when I was 7 when I saw my father abuse my older brother and she told me that we were not going to discuss this. She was angry with me that I had mentioned it. From then on I felt I was on my own because I couldn't rely on the 2 people who were supposed to love, care and raise me.
I have always seem to have an ability to isolate from others unless I had to have contact with them at school or at work. Funny but true I am in sales and can develope a rapport with people but once the project or transaction is completed I don't keep in contact with them. Now that I am aware of this I am working with my therapist but it is still a challenge for me not to disconnect and just take care of myself.

Chuck
 
Ted:

First of all, welcome. I understand your sense of comfort - the friends who I feel most comfortable around are my gay friends - they don't judge me.

I think the trick for you is to look at what behaviors YOU are doing that may precipitate their leaving. Now, there WILL be the fair share of people who DO abandon, but I would suspect that there is probably some behaviors that you do to push people away. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy... we feel that we are unlovable, so we behave in such a way that those around us will PROVE what we believe. I hope that this makes sense and please understand that I'm not criticizing.

I don't have the abandonmnet issues, but I do have a long string of broken relationships throughout my life. When I get too close to someone my first instinct is to do whatever I can to sabotage the relationship. Now, this is completely on a subconcious plane - as much as I desperately want the love, the understanding, the compassion, the fulfillment of a loving relationship, I start to find faults and in the end, it justifies my wanting to end the relationship.

IMHO, I think that this can be applied to pretty much any aspect of our lives.... whenever we see a pattern, I think the first instinct is to blame everyone else when most times we should be looking inside. At least that has proven true for my life.

I hope that at your next appt. (or before), you will let the doc know about the reaction to Prozac. It is well-known with that drug in particular that it can force manic behaviors to the surface. And, it obviously bothers you, so it would make sense to try another anti-depressant. There's a ton of them on the market, so you're not just stuck with Prozac. You deserve to have a decent quality of life and not have a medication that's supposed to help you actually knock you down a few steps.

SD
 
Hi Ted!

I am so glad you are here. And I am very glad you are posting in this forum. It is your home, just like any other guy's home. We're not so much into labels as we are into giving unconditional support. So welcome.

I don't have any magic answers. But some of the guys have given you excellent advice.

All I can add is...

Keep posting. Keep making this your home. It seems impossible now, but things do get better!

Take care,

Jasper
 
Hi Ted,

I think that we often recreate the same scenarios that we had in childhood and act them out in adulthood. We dont consciously choose to do it but we can end up repeating the same patterns again and again. We can change them, there is no easy answer to these kind of issues in my experience. I am still trying to figure out and change my behaviour in relationships in therapy. I tended to get left too but I would find ways to push people away. I would usually leave emotionally and then wait for my partner to get the message and go. I tended to pick people that were for me just good enough to be with so that I avoided the pain of being too vulnerable with someone I wanted too much.

I would agree with SD that its worth talking to the doc about the affect of the prozac, when I took it I didnt have that reaction it lifted my depression but my moods were pretty level on it.

Welcome to the forum, its a good place.

Peter.
 
You guys are really awesome, i do feel at home here and have made a few friends already and its my first week here.

I have already spoken to my doc, he took me off prozac and put me on adavan until i see him on monday. Of course i told him about the other issues but i think i am actually what they call bi-polar 2 not just depression. I was on something called Lexpro that did the exact same thing.

As soon as these meds are straight i am going to take a full inventory of what i am doing to push people away and self sabotage. BTW i also start with a Psychologist on Friday, he is giving me a special rate because he is a friend 25 per session wow, i have so many blessings around me its fantastic, and great friends herre to!!!!

Thanks everyone, i will keep you all updated

ted
 
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