Abandonment issues?
Abandonment issues?
- Thread starteral
- Start date
Al,
I'm with Casey on this one. I frequently feel that feeling of abandonment. For the same reasons he stated. If I don't hear from someone I send a PM or an email to, I think they've left me.
In my case, every single person I thought cared for me in my childhood abandoned me. Even into adulthood.
I think this is an issue a lot of us deal with.
Peace, bro.
Marc
I'm with Casey on this one. I frequently feel that feeling of abandonment. For the same reasons he stated. If I don't hear from someone I send a PM or an email to, I think they've left me.
In my case, every single person I thought cared for me in my childhood abandoned me. Even into adulthood.
I think this is an issue a lot of us deal with.
Peace, bro.
Marc
fusionoflove
Registrant
al,
Well brother I had abandonment issues before my rape ever happened. Those issues coupled with the sa and bingo. I'm screwed. Before the rape I I always tried to take the higher route though, I'd say is that woman good enough for me. Hence, three relationships that lasted for a short time. I'd pick and pick at whatever her faults were. I was looking for a way to push her away before she pushed me away.
Now with the rape in the picture, my mind changed. I started to think, am I good enough for any woman at all. Every woman will leave me. What's the point pursuing a relationship? They'll see all my faults. I'll end up all alone again, but with a broken heart.
Quite different I guess, but it's something I'm working on.
Take it easy,
Fusion
Well brother I had abandonment issues before my rape ever happened. Those issues coupled with the sa and bingo. I'm screwed. Before the rape I I always tried to take the higher route though, I'd say is that woman good enough for me. Hence, three relationships that lasted for a short time. I'd pick and pick at whatever her faults were. I was looking for a way to push her away before she pushed me away.
Now with the rape in the picture, my mind changed. I started to think, am I good enough for any woman at all. Every woman will leave me. What's the point pursuing a relationship? They'll see all my faults. I'll end up all alone again, but with a broken heart.
Quite different I guess, but it's something I'm working on.
Take it easy,
Fusion
Hi Al,
Yup...this issue will hit home for most if not all of us.
I remember some time ago hearing a speaker say something like "adults cannot be abandoned because they've learned how to take care of themselves". He went on to say that it must be the little one in us who actually has the abandonment feelings. Then he blew the doors off for me by saying, "So the only one who can actually abandon you is "you"! The adult me abandoning the little me...well that was like getting thrown into an ice cold shower. But as I thought about it I realized that the adult me has got to be the champion of the little me. I mean who else does he have to really count on? So, I need to be his parent, get to know his needs, get to know the difference between his cries, and focus on how to help this little guy get his needs met. That's my job as his adult. And if he gets his needs met, he probably won't feel abandoned anymore.
So bravo to you Al for feeling little al's cries and coming here to ask for feedback about what might be going on inside of you. That's the first step in taking good care of your little self who never should have had to feel like he had to make it all alone, all by himself.
This is a heavy thread and a good one. I hope we can keep it alive for a while.
Taz
Yup...this issue will hit home for most if not all of us.
I remember some time ago hearing a speaker say something like "adults cannot be abandoned because they've learned how to take care of themselves". He went on to say that it must be the little one in us who actually has the abandonment feelings. Then he blew the doors off for me by saying, "So the only one who can actually abandon you is "you"! The adult me abandoning the little me...well that was like getting thrown into an ice cold shower. But as I thought about it I realized that the adult me has got to be the champion of the little me. I mean who else does he have to really count on? So, I need to be his parent, get to know his needs, get to know the difference between his cries, and focus on how to help this little guy get his needs met. That's my job as his adult. And if he gets his needs met, he probably won't feel abandoned anymore.
So bravo to you Al for feeling little al's cries and coming here to ask for feedback about what might be going on inside of you. That's the first step in taking good care of your little self who never should have had to feel like he had to make it all alone, all by himself.
This is a heavy thread and a good one. I hope we can keep it alive for a while.
Taz
Al,
This is a very good subject, and one that I think goes to the core of how a lot of us felt as children. For me, I felt that I was abandoned by those who were supposed to be caring for me. The physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse confirmed that in my mind for me. Sure, they were there providing a roof over my head, so I guess I'm supposed to be "grateful" for that. I know in my marriage now of 16 years, I have that fear of abandonment still, even though I know my wife would never, ever leave me.
This is a very good subject, and one that I think goes to the core of how a lot of us felt as children. For me, I felt that I was abandoned by those who were supposed to be caring for me. The physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse confirmed that in my mind for me. Sure, they were there providing a roof over my head, so I guess I'm supposed to be "grateful" for that. I know in my marriage now of 16 years, I have that fear of abandonment still, even though I know my wife would never, ever leave me.
al,
i have felt abandoned and lonely a whole lot. i also have not trusted and fear betrayal then often it becomes a self fullfilling prophecy and indeed happens.
currently, i am clinically depressed and the meds help some. my ex-girlfriend hurt me, betrayed me, and i set her up to be able to do that. by me withdrawing, not sharing with her my s.a., and that it was me, not her over the years that had some closeness and trust issues.
one thing i am struggling wiht but having to learn is to love myself, be able to be by myself, and not medicate myself with women or alcohol, or workaholism. very tough, it's like trying t learn to walk and talk again, as i did that for the years to block out or medicate my pain that i did so long (31 years of it). i do have a t and i see her weekly, she helps some but i am a bit numb of the process overall.
anyhow, i am with you and am here as our other brothers are.
take care, guy
i have felt abandoned and lonely a whole lot. i also have not trusted and fear betrayal then often it becomes a self fullfilling prophecy and indeed happens.
currently, i am clinically depressed and the meds help some. my ex-girlfriend hurt me, betrayed me, and i set her up to be able to do that. by me withdrawing, not sharing with her my s.a., and that it was me, not her over the years that had some closeness and trust issues.
one thing i am struggling wiht but having to learn is to love myself, be able to be by myself, and not medicate myself with women or alcohol, or workaholism. very tough, it's like trying t learn to walk and talk again, as i did that for the years to block out or medicate my pain that i did so long (31 years of it). i do have a t and i see her weekly, she helps some but i am a bit numb of the process overall.
anyhow, i am with you and am here as our other brothers are.
take care, guy
Abandonment is a big issue of mine. Probably the biggest.
If my father hadn't abandoned me (and my siblings), would I have been abused? Don't know. Abandoned then abused. It's a tight link for me.
The abandonment by my ex-wife hurt me bad. Still does to this day. This has been hitting me hard these last few weeks.
Commitment doesn't scare me. Hell, I've been committed before.
Take care,
Bill
If my father hadn't abandoned me (and my siblings), would I have been abused? Don't know. Abandoned then abused. It's a tight link for me.
The abandonment by my ex-wife hurt me bad. Still does to this day. This has been hitting me hard these last few weeks.
Commitment doesn't scare me. Hell, I've been committed before.
Take care,
Bill
Abandonment, I feel it all the time. But I have a wonderful way to deal with it. I don't let anyone get close enough to leave me. There have been a few exceptions and those get to me. My wife of 24 years, whenever she is late, I worry that something has happened. An accident or something and she is never coming home. But of course, she is just late and she come home.
Last year, we almost divorced. She moved away and I was sure would never return. From June to Septmeber she lived a thousand miles away and made a new life in a new area. But she returned. The fear is still there for me that she will leave but I did learn last summer that being alone is not the same as being left. I was able to be happy and have a life.
Ken
Last year, we almost divorced. She moved away and I was sure would never return. From June to Septmeber she lived a thousand miles away and made a new life in a new area. But she returned. The fear is still there for me that she will leave but I did learn last summer that being alone is not the same as being left. I was able to be happy and have a life.
Ken
Mike Church
Registrant
Al I sent you an email. Have a look at it ok.
You will always be my little brother
((((((((((((((((((((AL)))))))))))))))))))))))
You will always be my little brother
((((((((((((((((((((AL)))))))))))))))))))))))
Al,
Abandonment and fear of abandonment are big issues for me. Big problems that I brought to our marriage, too. I come off as a control freak sometimes when I get triggered into feeling abondoned or on the verge of being abandoned.
I don't think it's uncommon for survivors at all.
Thanks,
Joe
Abandonment and fear of abandonment are big issues for me. Big problems that I brought to our marriage, too. I come off as a control freak sometimes when I get triggered into feeling abondoned or on the verge of being abandoned.
I don't think it's uncommon for survivors at all.
Thanks,
Joe
I think, on a very primal level, without abuse, the human mind fears being left alone. Because, in truth, when we are children, we are incapable of caring for ourselves. In truth, if our parents or caregivers left us when we were infants, we would die. Despite our desire to think that we are above the animal kingdom, we are not. We all know what is going to happen to the bear cub who gets separated from his mother when we watch the Discovery channel.
That being said, when this natural fear of abandonment meets up with abuse, our brains go into a hypervigilant state of fear about being left. I know with my first serious relationship, I tried to control everything because of this fear. I was terrified of being alone. This resulted in being abuse toward my girlfriend. It is so messed up sometimes... the way the mind works. You are like this because someone abused you, and the fear that was created causes you to abuse in turn. It's fucked up.
Once I worked on my abandonment issue and stopped abusing/controlling her, we broke up. (Go figure.) My second long-term relationship was spent trying to convince myself (and my g/f) that I didn't need her, wasn't afraid of her leaving me, etc. Yeah, good one Sean.
So, I guess in a long-winded answer, I'm saying that this has definately plagued me. Still not sure where to go from here, except now that I am out of any relationship for the first time in 10 years, I am starting to realize that it is up to me now to take care of myself.
That I don't need anyone else to either take care of me or to answer to. It's not as scary as I thought it would be.
That being said, when this natural fear of abandonment meets up with abuse, our brains go into a hypervigilant state of fear about being left. I know with my first serious relationship, I tried to control everything because of this fear. I was terrified of being alone. This resulted in being abuse toward my girlfriend. It is so messed up sometimes... the way the mind works. You are like this because someone abused you, and the fear that was created causes you to abuse in turn. It's fucked up.
Once I worked on my abandonment issue and stopped abusing/controlling her, we broke up. (Go figure.) My second long-term relationship was spent trying to convince myself (and my g/f) that I didn't need her, wasn't afraid of her leaving me, etc. Yeah, good one Sean.
So, I guess in a long-winded answer, I'm saying that this has definately plagued me. Still not sure where to go from here, except now that I am out of any relationship for the first time in 10 years, I am starting to realize that it is up to me now to take care of myself.
That I don't need anyone else to either take care of me or to answer to. It's not as scary as I thought it would be.
Al,
I'm really sorry. I always fear good people leaving my life. It seems like the constant was negative, was bad people. To have someone who is a friend, to have someone good to me, it seems to good to be true. So it make it hard to trust, and to open with people, because I expect them to leave me. I hope that you will feel more comfortable with the good things and good people in your life. You deserve it.
Leosha
I'm really sorry. I always fear good people leaving my life. It seems like the constant was negative, was bad people. To have someone who is a friend, to have someone good to me, it seems to good to be true. So it make it hard to trust, and to open with people, because I expect them to leave me. I hope that you will feel more comfortable with the good things and good people in your life. You deserve it.
Leosha