A Wifes View (Long)
I was reading the penultimate draft of my book "Benders" which will hopefully be published in the not too distant future, about a year ago i asked my wife if she would like to put her side of things. The chapter has not been changed except for the removal of our names. I have used my ID that I use on Malesurvivor, i's Archnut. I hope it helps answer some questions that any new member may have and maybe a little hope:
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Living On A Prayer.
Living With An Adult Survivor Of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
I have been asked to write this chapter of the book from a partners perspective of someone who has suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse. I will try to tell you how it is as truthfully as possible. I hope other partners find this chapter useful and can identify with it, you will then know you are not alone.
To begin with you are thrown headlong into a situation that is not of your making, all these terrible things happened before you knew your partner. That doesnt take away the fact that Childhood Sexual Abuse is going to change your life too. You are on a roller coaster and you cant get off. There is a feeling off total inadequacy, there is anger, fear, hurt and rejection to contend with as well.
There was never a time when I did not believe Archnut that these terrible things had happened to him, whether this helped me to deal with everything, I really dont know.
There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcoholism is a family illness I can certainly tell you that that is true. I think it is safe to say that Childhood Sexual Abuse is also a family illness. While your partner is trying to come to terms with the things that happened in their past, they will be isolating themselves from the present. This puts considerable pressure on you to try to keep normal every day things going.
I found it really hard trying to juggle Archnuts needs and other family commitments and I am sure that the rest of the family did not understand that I was under so much stress. I can only apologise to them if they feel they have not had the time they rightly deserve. I hope that when they have read this book they will understand a little bit better.
When I first met Archnut I knew that he was an alcoholic and that he was also addicted to some prescribed drugs. For the first four years of our relationship it was one long round of watching him try to kill himself with the aid of booze and pills, the feeling of total helplessness is not something I would wish on anybody. I always felt that there was more to it than just alcoholism, trying to get any of the doctors and psychiatrists to look beyond the booze and pill popping was another thing. It took me four years of constant arguments to finally get them to acknowledge that he was suffering from Clinical Depression.
For about six years after Archnut stopped drinking our lives carried on in some sort of normality. We still had periods of depression when nothing I said or did was right and sometimes I felt I was walking on eggshells, but for most of the time things were going ok.
Archnut told me about the abuse early on in our relationship, we talked about it maybe not in too much detail, at this point, he seemed to be coping with it. I now realise it was the booze that was masking his feelings. Over the years when Archnut stopped drinking we talked about the abuse and the possibility of doing something about it, what we had no idea at this point.
As I have said before things were ticking over fairly well and so I think its fair to say that neither of us wanted to rock the boat, that is until the November of nineteen ninety seven when the Gary Glitter and then later the Chris Denning cases hit the media. It was then that our lives changed and all hell broke loose.
If I thought that living with Archnut drinking was hard then living with him through the affects of Childhood Sexual Abuse was going to be ten times worse. I have asked myself many times the question if I had known then how bad it was going to be would I have stayed? The answer is I really dont know. I do know that it has taken its toll on me, it has taken all my patience, compassion, understanding and hidden strengths that I did not know I had. It has been a very steep learning curve and maybe I will become a better person for it. The way I have often described the last few years is its like doing a life sentence for a crime you have not committed without hope of parole. I think at some points I have really begun to doubt my own sanity.
From the time that Archnut read the reports of the Chris Denning trial in Prague life became a nightmare, from then on I had no idea what mood he would be in from one minute to the next. For days on end he would stay in bed, I could not communicate with him at all during these periods.
The feeling of helplessness at these times was almost too much to bare. When he was up from his bed, it was like living with a total stranger the mood swings were unbelievable, they could change from one minute being as high as a kite to the next being in the depth of despair. The night-time was the worst; as soon as we went to bed he would get a look of such panic, and say he was too scared to go to sleep. That was when he wanted to talk, that was when I was tired. What can you say to somebody when they are in such a state, so talk we did for hours and hours until the early hours of the morning. This was not just one night this was every night for months and months. When he did finally go to sleep the light and radio had to be on all night. The radio is still on all night even to this day, that I have got used to. The following day he would stay in bed till at least lunchtime, I was up at the usual time, somebody had to look after the dogs, do the shopping, washing cleaning and all the other every day to day things. After months of this you can imagine how tired I was, how I kept going I do not know, those hidden strengths maybe. The constant need for attention and reassurance is very hard, the same questions kept spinning in my head am I doing the right thing? And will I get through this? Sometimes I felt like making a tape recording and leaving it on continuously, everything would be fine, I dont even know if I believed it at that time.
As the months past I began to think that I was living with a child, or maybe an adolescent. The temper tantrums, selfishness, the argumentative attitude, the me, me, me, not to mention the constant referral to Child Abuse, it was a living hell.
On the few occasions I said that I was also having a hard time trying to cope with everything, I was told or more often than not yelled at that I had not been abused so how the hell did I know what it was like. Maybe I had not been abused, but I certainly know what its like to be a partner of a Sexually Abused Child, I was living with it 24/7 and I can defiantly tell you its no fun. The times Ive wanted to shout what about me and what its doing to me? Archnut could not or would not accept that my life was also in turmoil, he was so wrapped up in himself. I had to be on call twenty four hours a day for his needs but when it came to giving me support he was just not there, that hurt, and still hurts. Sometimes I felt that he was just wallowing in self-pity. Having read books on Childhood Sexual Abuse I now know this is quite normal behaviour. Unfortunately knowing it was normal still did not take away the hurt.
The physical side of our relationship is completely none existent. The feeling of rejection was probably one of the hardest things to bare, I think that I will carry those scars for a long time to come. It got to the stage that I could not even put my arms around him for fear that he would just freeze and go into a sense of panic. If I mentioned the word sex I thought world war three was about to begin. When you have been rejected a few times a self-preservation system comes in and you are too scared to try again. Sometimes I felt that the lights were on but there was nobody at home. How I coped with this I still have no idea. I suppose I just muddled through, although there were times when I cried and cried. Never in front of Archnut, that was another thing he could not handle, it was ok for him to show emotion usually by shouting but not for me. My darkest times were probably spent in the bath the only place I could let go. The mood swings, selfishness, obsessions, tantrums, fears and the lack of taking any responsibility I could handle but the physical rejection was just too much to bare.
The constant having to watch what you say is in itself very warring. Things said in all innocence can cause triggers and flashbacks. I remember the time I mentioned that I thought that satin sheets were the height of luxury the look that came over his face sent me looking for my hard hat again! The constant feeling of having to be on your guard is very hard, maybe for a day or two its ok but when it goes on for weeks and months its unbearable, its at these times you think maybe you are going insane. Where do you go to get any help? To say there is very little help out there for partners of Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors is an understatement. There is not any that I have found. If you can afford to pay for therapy maybe you can get some help, if you cant like me its neigh on impossible.
The constant obsession with paedophiles and any mention of Childhood Sexual Abuse was a nightmare. You do not realise how often it is mentioned on the television or in the media. I got to the stage where I wanted to throw something through the television screen and scream for Gods sake shut up. I knew this would send Archnut into either a temper or a depression. He seemed to take it all so personally and the more I said dont watch it, the more he would say I have to. As I have said it became an obsession. I think in some ways he was trying to take on board every other survivors pain as well as his own, for what reason I have no idea. I do know he is very worried that he has caused pain to the other survivors of the cases he started. I have tried to tell him that they were probably relieved that somebody came forward. Hopefully they feel that justice has been done.
How have I found the legal system? To be perfectly honest I can not say that I am very impressed. The police have been brilliant, I have no complaints with them at all. The rest of the system is very one sided. Nobody takes the victims feelings into account, they are told what will happen. Like being told your accusation is now lying on file because it would not be in the public interest to proceed with the trial because the accused pleaded guilty on one of the charges. That was the Crown Prosecution Services decision in the public interest again. They do not take into account how the Survivors feel about that. From what I have seen of the whole lumbering process, it all boils down to money. Justice takes the seat right at the back of the bus.
How have I coped living with a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse? The answer is on a wing and a prayer. I think that I have always been a strong person and somebody with their feet firmly on the ground. The last few years have certainly taken every ounce of strength that I possess to get through. I think I am not only physically but also emotionally drained. There have been many times when I have wanted to just run away and hide. So what stopped me? I have never been a quitter, I also happen to love my husband very much indeed. For most of his life people have abandoned him even from childhood, so how could I do that to him? I am also an optimist, I always tell myself that things will get better. When you are at the bottom the only way to look is up. When at my lowest something has always come along to lift my spirits, something to make me smile or laugh, then I say to myself that maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. To other partners out there I can only say hang in there, it will get better. Give yourselves a big hug from me and know you are not alone. I know we still have a long way to go yet, but that light at the end of the tunnel is shinning a little bit brighter now.
Before closing this part I would just like to say a big thank you to my Mum my two daughters and son-in-laws also my three beautiful granddaughters and my grandson for helping to show me that life does go on and for sticking by me. I love you all and I will try to be a better daughter, mum and grandma.
Indeed life does go on. [ENDS]
I'm a very, very lucky man
Best wishes for the New Year
Archnut
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Living On A Prayer.
Living With An Adult Survivor Of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
I have been asked to write this chapter of the book from a partners perspective of someone who has suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse. I will try to tell you how it is as truthfully as possible. I hope other partners find this chapter useful and can identify with it, you will then know you are not alone.
To begin with you are thrown headlong into a situation that is not of your making, all these terrible things happened before you knew your partner. That doesnt take away the fact that Childhood Sexual Abuse is going to change your life too. You are on a roller coaster and you cant get off. There is a feeling off total inadequacy, there is anger, fear, hurt and rejection to contend with as well.
There was never a time when I did not believe Archnut that these terrible things had happened to him, whether this helped me to deal with everything, I really dont know.
There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that alcoholism is a family illness I can certainly tell you that that is true. I think it is safe to say that Childhood Sexual Abuse is also a family illness. While your partner is trying to come to terms with the things that happened in their past, they will be isolating themselves from the present. This puts considerable pressure on you to try to keep normal every day things going.
I found it really hard trying to juggle Archnuts needs and other family commitments and I am sure that the rest of the family did not understand that I was under so much stress. I can only apologise to them if they feel they have not had the time they rightly deserve. I hope that when they have read this book they will understand a little bit better.
When I first met Archnut I knew that he was an alcoholic and that he was also addicted to some prescribed drugs. For the first four years of our relationship it was one long round of watching him try to kill himself with the aid of booze and pills, the feeling of total helplessness is not something I would wish on anybody. I always felt that there was more to it than just alcoholism, trying to get any of the doctors and psychiatrists to look beyond the booze and pill popping was another thing. It took me four years of constant arguments to finally get them to acknowledge that he was suffering from Clinical Depression.
For about six years after Archnut stopped drinking our lives carried on in some sort of normality. We still had periods of depression when nothing I said or did was right and sometimes I felt I was walking on eggshells, but for most of the time things were going ok.
Archnut told me about the abuse early on in our relationship, we talked about it maybe not in too much detail, at this point, he seemed to be coping with it. I now realise it was the booze that was masking his feelings. Over the years when Archnut stopped drinking we talked about the abuse and the possibility of doing something about it, what we had no idea at this point.
As I have said before things were ticking over fairly well and so I think its fair to say that neither of us wanted to rock the boat, that is until the November of nineteen ninety seven when the Gary Glitter and then later the Chris Denning cases hit the media. It was then that our lives changed and all hell broke loose.
If I thought that living with Archnut drinking was hard then living with him through the affects of Childhood Sexual Abuse was going to be ten times worse. I have asked myself many times the question if I had known then how bad it was going to be would I have stayed? The answer is I really dont know. I do know that it has taken its toll on me, it has taken all my patience, compassion, understanding and hidden strengths that I did not know I had. It has been a very steep learning curve and maybe I will become a better person for it. The way I have often described the last few years is its like doing a life sentence for a crime you have not committed without hope of parole. I think at some points I have really begun to doubt my own sanity.
From the time that Archnut read the reports of the Chris Denning trial in Prague life became a nightmare, from then on I had no idea what mood he would be in from one minute to the next. For days on end he would stay in bed, I could not communicate with him at all during these periods.
The feeling of helplessness at these times was almost too much to bare. When he was up from his bed, it was like living with a total stranger the mood swings were unbelievable, they could change from one minute being as high as a kite to the next being in the depth of despair. The night-time was the worst; as soon as we went to bed he would get a look of such panic, and say he was too scared to go to sleep. That was when he wanted to talk, that was when I was tired. What can you say to somebody when they are in such a state, so talk we did for hours and hours until the early hours of the morning. This was not just one night this was every night for months and months. When he did finally go to sleep the light and radio had to be on all night. The radio is still on all night even to this day, that I have got used to. The following day he would stay in bed till at least lunchtime, I was up at the usual time, somebody had to look after the dogs, do the shopping, washing cleaning and all the other every day to day things. After months of this you can imagine how tired I was, how I kept going I do not know, those hidden strengths maybe. The constant need for attention and reassurance is very hard, the same questions kept spinning in my head am I doing the right thing? And will I get through this? Sometimes I felt like making a tape recording and leaving it on continuously, everything would be fine, I dont even know if I believed it at that time.
As the months past I began to think that I was living with a child, or maybe an adolescent. The temper tantrums, selfishness, the argumentative attitude, the me, me, me, not to mention the constant referral to Child Abuse, it was a living hell.
On the few occasions I said that I was also having a hard time trying to cope with everything, I was told or more often than not yelled at that I had not been abused so how the hell did I know what it was like. Maybe I had not been abused, but I certainly know what its like to be a partner of a Sexually Abused Child, I was living with it 24/7 and I can defiantly tell you its no fun. The times Ive wanted to shout what about me and what its doing to me? Archnut could not or would not accept that my life was also in turmoil, he was so wrapped up in himself. I had to be on call twenty four hours a day for his needs but when it came to giving me support he was just not there, that hurt, and still hurts. Sometimes I felt that he was just wallowing in self-pity. Having read books on Childhood Sexual Abuse I now know this is quite normal behaviour. Unfortunately knowing it was normal still did not take away the hurt.
The physical side of our relationship is completely none existent. The feeling of rejection was probably one of the hardest things to bare, I think that I will carry those scars for a long time to come. It got to the stage that I could not even put my arms around him for fear that he would just freeze and go into a sense of panic. If I mentioned the word sex I thought world war three was about to begin. When you have been rejected a few times a self-preservation system comes in and you are too scared to try again. Sometimes I felt that the lights were on but there was nobody at home. How I coped with this I still have no idea. I suppose I just muddled through, although there were times when I cried and cried. Never in front of Archnut, that was another thing he could not handle, it was ok for him to show emotion usually by shouting but not for me. My darkest times were probably spent in the bath the only place I could let go. The mood swings, selfishness, obsessions, tantrums, fears and the lack of taking any responsibility I could handle but the physical rejection was just too much to bare.
The constant having to watch what you say is in itself very warring. Things said in all innocence can cause triggers and flashbacks. I remember the time I mentioned that I thought that satin sheets were the height of luxury the look that came over his face sent me looking for my hard hat again! The constant feeling of having to be on your guard is very hard, maybe for a day or two its ok but when it goes on for weeks and months its unbearable, its at these times you think maybe you are going insane. Where do you go to get any help? To say there is very little help out there for partners of Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors is an understatement. There is not any that I have found. If you can afford to pay for therapy maybe you can get some help, if you cant like me its neigh on impossible.
The constant obsession with paedophiles and any mention of Childhood Sexual Abuse was a nightmare. You do not realise how often it is mentioned on the television or in the media. I got to the stage where I wanted to throw something through the television screen and scream for Gods sake shut up. I knew this would send Archnut into either a temper or a depression. He seemed to take it all so personally and the more I said dont watch it, the more he would say I have to. As I have said it became an obsession. I think in some ways he was trying to take on board every other survivors pain as well as his own, for what reason I have no idea. I do know he is very worried that he has caused pain to the other survivors of the cases he started. I have tried to tell him that they were probably relieved that somebody came forward. Hopefully they feel that justice has been done.
How have I found the legal system? To be perfectly honest I can not say that I am very impressed. The police have been brilliant, I have no complaints with them at all. The rest of the system is very one sided. Nobody takes the victims feelings into account, they are told what will happen. Like being told your accusation is now lying on file because it would not be in the public interest to proceed with the trial because the accused pleaded guilty on one of the charges. That was the Crown Prosecution Services decision in the public interest again. They do not take into account how the Survivors feel about that. From what I have seen of the whole lumbering process, it all boils down to money. Justice takes the seat right at the back of the bus.
How have I coped living with a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse? The answer is on a wing and a prayer. I think that I have always been a strong person and somebody with their feet firmly on the ground. The last few years have certainly taken every ounce of strength that I possess to get through. I think I am not only physically but also emotionally drained. There have been many times when I have wanted to just run away and hide. So what stopped me? I have never been a quitter, I also happen to love my husband very much indeed. For most of his life people have abandoned him even from childhood, so how could I do that to him? I am also an optimist, I always tell myself that things will get better. When you are at the bottom the only way to look is up. When at my lowest something has always come along to lift my spirits, something to make me smile or laugh, then I say to myself that maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. To other partners out there I can only say hang in there, it will get better. Give yourselves a big hug from me and know you are not alone. I know we still have a long way to go yet, but that light at the end of the tunnel is shinning a little bit brighter now.
Before closing this part I would just like to say a big thank you to my Mum my two daughters and son-in-laws also my three beautiful granddaughters and my grandson for helping to show me that life does go on and for sticking by me. I love you all and I will try to be a better daughter, mum and grandma.
Indeed life does go on. [ENDS]
I'm a very, very lucky man
Best wishes for the New Year
Archnut
