A whiny rant

A whiny rant
B

Brian1

New Registrant
Although this will be my first post, I am familiar with this site. My family felt the support this site offers could help me right now. I'm not comfortable with the Internet, but I thought I'd give this a try. I'm a male survivor of childhood SA, and other abuse. I thought what had happened in the past was worked on, finished, forgotten. But the abuse from the past is slamming me hard, flooding my thoughts with all the fears and feelings and memories I thought were gone. I have been going to a therapist, but at this moment, I'm resenting her because she is a strong woman. I'm feeling weak, and talking to a strong woman, increases that feeling. I'm avoiding her. I think my reason for going had more to do with my current situation, drug abuse, and things happening in my family life, and maybe I was avoiding the past. I'm having a difficult time writing this. I'll keep going though. I feel like a failure, and not much of a man. I think I'm still the little boy that was abused, pretending to be a man. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I feel guilty for even seeking help for myself. I'm 20 yrs old and I feel like I'm 4 again. Now more then ever I need to be strong and I'm crumbling to those memories and feelings. Fought urges all day to go get high. Talked to my incredibly strong brother and he gave me the courage to face something I had to deal with today, but the courage was short lived and the weak disgusting child that I am is back. My boyfriend loves me and I feel I haven't earned the right to be loved. Why is the past haunting me now ? I have a lot to think about. Sorry for the whiny rant, Brian
 
Brian I am sorry that you have had to come to MS but I am glad that you found us. Your family seems to be very in tune with you and are supportive.

You are not different from most of us. We could not handle it alone. You are in therapy and that is a good thing. Maybe if you told her that she appears threatening to you she will react differently. It is worth a try.

Now as to being a weak and undeserving the right to love. That is pure bull. You are a young man that has had the worst possible thing happen to him and regardless of how you feel it was never your fault. By your comments I see that you are a gay may and believe me dont let that sway you into believing it was your fault. And it is not your shame or guilt ok.

As you are young (20) I suggest that you buddy up with a moderator to help you get through all this shit you are dealing with.

You say you are distrustful of the internet and I want you to stay that way. Do not reveal any personal contact with anyone on this site unless you are absolutley 100% sure they are on the up and up.

This is a public site and we mods do our best to keep it safe for all. And you can help by being private offsite.

You will find that nobody here is judgemental or bigoted or racist or any of the other crap in society. We are all here for the same reason and that is to live life as we were meant to.

Once again Welcome and a big thankyou from me to your supportive family.
 
Brian,

I am so sorry that the wonderful 4 year old boy you were was treated so terribly, but I am glad you have come to MaleSurvivor.

I'm in 12 Step recovery for substance abuse, and we have a saying that I think applies here : "We are only as sick as the secrets we keep."

MaleSurvivor is a place where you can tell it ALL - everything - no more secrets. Tell as little or a much as you need to, or just read, but stick with us - we know where you've been and can help you heal & move beyond that pain-filled place.

My therapist is a very strong woman, too - lesbian, in recovery, attractive woman, you'd never know she's gay - and damn, she has an iron core to her that I respect the hell out of. I was afraid of her strentgh at times until I really got it - I can use her strength to create a safe place for that abused little 11 year old boy inside me, to peek out and talk about how much it hurt and what he's scared of.

Now, I've got a very important and very tough question to ask you :

If you found out that a 4 or 5 year old neighbor boy was being moelsted and abused, would you EVER say this to/about *him* :

"weak disgusting child"

Think about the fact that's what you just said to the abused & hurting little boy inside yourself. He needs your love, not your contempt.
 
Brian, it sounds like you have the support of your family, the love of a boyfriend, and as of today, a whole group of guys in this forum who will be happy to listen to you and offer encouragement. I hope you find a comfort level with your therapist. All the best to you. Peace, Andrew
 
Brain I waited way too long to deal with this shit. So many wasted years.I am glad you found Male Survivors because there is lots of help here.

I never had a female T so I don't know what that is like. I do know that your T works for you so if you are not happy with her go window shopping. Most Ts will give you a free session to check them out,to see if you like the person and their way of working.
Getting professional help is the most important thing you can do now.

Also keep coming back here lots of reading in the old post and new ones that can help.

Tom
 
Brian, first get rid of that weak stuff self image. You were damaged plain and simple and now you're trying to deal with something that wasn't your fault and that was done to you. It sounds like many important people in your life support you. That's wonderful. Now you've got to get you to support you, and that means to accept yourself. Your post sounds strong to me. You understand what happened and that the only way to deal with it is head-on and it ain't going to be easy, but that you have to do it. That sounds real strong to me.

Keep coming here, Brian. You're not being whinny. This is the place to talk about how hard all of this is and how bad it hurts. We understand and we want to hear that because we know how much it helps to say it and to be heard saying it. Most of all, believe in yourself, Brian. We believe in you and so do all of those who love you. Bobby
 
Thank-you all for the replies. After reading what you all wrote, I think I will call the therapist today. Thank-you, Brian
 
You're doing the right thing coming here and ranting. Rant all you want. Every time you feel the urge, you can come here and rant. That's what these guys are here for. I have weaknesses that will probably follow me the rest of my life, or until I work through whatever it is that makes me feel like giving in is easier than going inside and facing the dark stuff. What somebody did to us was not our fault. It was their fault. If I keep the blame where it belongs, it sometimes help.

Don't give up the fight. Your brothers are with you.
 
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