A weekend of revelations

This past week or so was the first time in years that I have really thought about my abuse in about 10 years. I had a number of "revelations" this week end and would like to share my story and some of my revelations with you over the next week or so (I don't have time to write is all at once).

I will say now that finding this site has been great. I find that dealing with this stuff is preferable to suffering in silence.

 

About ten years ago, I was really in a crisis. I was on the verge of killing myself. I finally reached out to a counselor.

This was probably the biggest mistake of my life (explanation to come). My memories of my sexual abuse had not really surfaced yet, so I didn't know what was going on.

Side note: My father was a physically abusive alcholoic and I thought that this was the cause of my problems since I had been discussing my physical abuse with my brother recently.

I hooked up with a substance abuse counselor and was told in no uncertain terms that I was an alcoholic. All sessions with my counselor was focused on alcoholism. I came to believe that I must be an alcoholic and that this was the root of my emotional problems. Over the next several months I went through out patient treatment for alcoholism, became involved in Adult Children of Alcoholics, and worked on some of the problems associated with my physical abuse.

The whole time I didn't really believe that I was an alcoholic. Guess what - I was right. After about three months, I started have some flash backs to my sexual abuse. My counselor dismissed these memories. She didn't deny they happened, but all emphasis was placed on alcoholism.

I left this counselor, and have not been in counseling since. After I quit counseling, I did a lot of reading on sexual abuse and recovered some more memories. It got to the point that I couldn't deal with the memories so I guess I just gave up at that point.

Although, most of my memories are there, I have chosen, up to this point, not to deal with it. I believe that the priest/child rape stories have brought this up again. I was not raped by a priest, but the stories hit close enough to home, to open it back up.

So, I feel strong enough to work through this stuff now. I am not suicidal, although I have bouts of depression. I act out, but I never cheat on my wife. I am strong and truly believe that I can put my abuse into perspective. I don't want to put it behind me because it is a large part of what and who I am. But, I can no longer let it rule my life

 

[fmighell]

Hello- WillP
I don't find plusure in welcoming anyone here, but please find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
I can relate with your posting, from my own sexual abuse in my life time and the way I've came to accept it into my life today. I didn't do it all on my own because for years I've learn surivial skills as a victum but had to have help, some of the times. For mental health, in my recovery as a survivor I would talk with a psychologist and with an advocate or support and to say the least for education.
well enuff of my talk,
fmighell anc ak