A WASTED LIFE

A WASTED LIFE
O

OKIE MIKE

Registrant
I LOOK AT MY LIFE AND I REALIZE THAT I HAVE SPENT MOST OF IT LIVEING IN DINAL. OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED ALMOST 30 YEARS AGO . I WAS RAPED WHY CAN I NOT JUST PUT THIS BEHIND ME .I HAVE SPENT MOST OF IT CHASEING THE PERSON THAT DID THIS ONE TERRABLE NITE SO LONG AGO . IF I EVER FOUND HIM .I THINK THAT I WOULD BE LIKE A DOG CHASEING A CAT ,ONCE I CAUGHT HIM I WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PART OF ME HATES HIM FOR WHAT HE DID AND PART OF ME FEELS SORY FOR HIM .BECAUSE OF WHAT HE STUPED TO SO MANY YEARS AGO
I LOOK AROUND AND WHAT HAHE I ACOMPLISHED IN MY LIFE , NOTHING .I AM A 47 YEAR OLD BUM . MY CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP WITHOUT A FATHER AND NOW I HAVE 2 GRAND CHILDREN THAT DO NOT KNOW ME .
WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR ALL OF THEASE YEARS . NOT MUCH I LIVE IN AN OLD TRAILER THAT I OWN ON A SMALL PEACE OF LAND IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE
I THINK THAT IF I EVER DID FIND THE PATHETIC PERSON THAT DID THIS I WOULD NOT HAVE A POURPOSE IN LIFE ANY MORE .
I HAVE LIVED SO LONG WITH HATE THAT I THINK THAT IT IS ALL THAT I HAVE . I JUST WISH THAT I COULD JUST PUT ALL OF THIS BEHIND ME AND PICK UP THE PECES AND START A NEW LIFE . BUT IT IS ALL THAT I HAVE KNOWN FOR SO LONG THAT I DO NOT KNOW HOW .
OVER 10 YEARS OF SEEING A SHRINK AND I AM STILL THE SAME. AM I CRAZY ?
 
Michael,

the answer to your question is no. Your hurt, not crazy from my perspective. Perhaps, a new therapist would help. If you can find another one that you are safe with, perhaps you could learn some new insights. It sounds as if your quest for recovery gets stagnate sometimes. Have you thought of taking a new approach on things. Taking care of yourself is more important that getting back at the person that abused you. I was down one day (thinking about going after my abuser ) and a friend of mine told me, "Jason, you need to do something good for yourself. Get up tomorrow morning and make yourself a good breakfast, or take a walk in the park". I didn't understand what he was saying until after i did it. I needed that. I needed to get away from it for a bit. Is there something you would enjoy that you've been meaning to do recently?

Hang in there,
Jason
 
Hi again Mike. I hear your anger and frustration very clearly. Mike, I know ALL ABOUT having accomplished nothing with one's life! Believe me!

I'm 37, and I've worked nothing but dead-end jobs my whole life, no girlfriend, (ok I have an ex-girlfriend from 11 years ago and that relationship lasted a whole month lol) no intimacy, no career, no children, etc.

May I propose some possible goals for you to strive for as a way of prehaps finding yourself? How about writing a letter to your kids, (they don't have to read it but you could share it with us or just me) and TELL them why and how you feel that you failed them as a father and WHY. If you put the reasons into clear and precise words, it may help you to see that you're not such a bad guy even if you feel that you've wasted your life. And if you actually let them read that letter, they might appreciate that Father after all.

Don't feel so shitty for not "handling" being a victim so well ok? When you first tried to ride a bike, you fell down a couple times right? Well, why the Hell do you think that one should handle being raped and be expected to handle life perfectly thereafter? It's an unreasonable expectation.

Alone? I know ALL ABOUT being alone. For instance, although I live with my cousin, (yes he pokes fun at me for never leaving the house, but what the hell for?) My cousin went on vacation for Turkey Day and didn't come back till Sunday. What did I do? I sat in front of this computer and played Soldier of Fortune and Close Combat and stuff. I did nothing and I left the house only once to hang out with my family for Thanksgiving. 4 whole days and I didn't leave the house but once.

But, what am I doing about it? Well, I'm just about to give my revised resume to my boss and he's going to recommend that they hire me into the company tomorrow. Wish me luck ok?
 
Suggest you strongly consider counselling. I certainly have a ways to go but feel a tremendous amount of healing occurred by working with those who understand the impacts of being raped. You have lots to give and live for just do what you can to work thru some of your issues and a whole new life can be yours.

Your not too old to start. Good luck and please hang in there and keep trying.

Barney
 
I couldn't have put it better than Hauser. He spoke out when I was at a loss for words. I agree that, writing your children would be beneficial. I don't know your whole story but I sense that you are a great person with many qualities about you. It may take time, but I think your capable of mending those wounds. It sounds to me like the ball is in your court my friend.

Jason
 
I read that if the therapist has no experience with PTSD, avoid like the plague if possible. Just because they have a pile of letters after their name, does not guarantee they have experience in this stuff. Just ask them. You don't have to marry them, and are entitled to answers. You have to start somewhere.

froggy12
 
Michael,

It was not your fault you were raped. The person who raped you has destroyed your life. You are hurting so badly inside at the moment so much anger and hate that it has taken you over.

It is not too late to start to get help, I feel so much for you as I have been raped and I am just starting to come to terms with it.

I lived in denial for eight years.I allowed my anger and hate to "run" my life for me until eventually it almost destroyed me. But hey i found this site with all these wonderful people who know what i am going through and have helped.

Time and courage will start to heal the wounds.

a friend
Duncan
 
Michael, dont beat yourself up so much, I am pretty much the same.
All my life low paid jobs, no holidays, etc.

You need to look after yourself and keep anger at bay, because thats what beats you up inside,

ste
 
what do you love to do as a child and think about doing it....I was abducted and raped when I was 8....baseball was my outlet.

Julian
 
lots of guys here think they have done nothing ,wasted their lives,but what about guys like me? younger guys who were so lost ,without any idea how to go on ? what about what each one of you have done for guys like me? maybe you think you come here and just get it out and it makes no difference ,but it does make a difference ,it helps ,when i came here suicide was my answer ,it was my last choice ,nothing else worked ,but you talked to me ,you made me see that maybe i was ok maybe i didnt need to die to stop being alone . sometimes people do great things but they are so down that they dont see . you might not have a great job ,or money . but you have saved a life without all of you i would not be here today ,maybe you think well i had nothing to do with that ,but each of you did .by being here telling about your lives and listening to others .its really something great .what is a life worth ? i wouldnt have wasted my life i would have ended it. sometimes the good you do is hidden behind the pain you feel . so when it seems like youve done nothing stop and think ,think about how just maybe in the middle of all your pain and confusion somehow you did something so cool ,i know im not worth much ,but for some reason you guys thought i was worth your time and it saved my life . this is not a make you feel better thing its the honest truth .and maybe there are others like me who are alive today cause of you .be proud of that if nothing else k? thank you all for helping me live . adam
 
Adam, I guess you hit it again, I dont even know if I do good, but at least I try.
I treat this stuff like being on the ocean, sometimes bobbing up, sometimes clinging on.

Mike, dont lose the structure of your existence, bring yourself up, you always did in the past, and you still will, if you try,

ste
 
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET DAYS THAT YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ?
 
Hi Mike, I am sorry you are having a bad day. I hope things start looking up for you soon. I hope the rest of your holidays are good ones. Sending lots of good vibrations your way.

Love,
Clifford
 
Hey Mike, routine helps me. You know, go to work, get the mail, wash the car, till the garden type of stuff. I try not to be mean to people too. If I am a sourpuss then I try to at least explain what the problem is [that I'm grouchy]. Having something to look forward to is huge too. That letter that someone wrote about sounds very good. Tell your kids that you love them and that your proud of them. Your words will be powerfull for someone!! Dan
 
Mike - If you "don't give a shit"...then remember WE GIVE A SHIT!! Don't we count...don't our feelings and caring about you count? Live through our hope and want you to hang on!!

If things get too rough, there are meds (don't stop here - read on) that help us through the tough times. We don't necessarily have to take them forever but just to keep us up and open to hear and practice what we need to survive.

When things have you so far down - look up!! What do you have? What can you do? The guys have shared some pretty neat and successful plans that could change things for you!

If you've been going to your T for so long without any change (assess with your T to see both sides), maybe you need somebody who will make a difference for you. For example, if you take aspirin for a headache and nothing changes, you'd try another pain reliever, right?. It took me 3 tries to find the med that my body would accept and it really changed my quality of life.

Mike, there are so many people who care about you!! Give some of our suggestions a chance!

Howard
 
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