A victory for me

[dwf]

The effects of being sexually abused as a teenager still continue long after arriving at adulthood.

Even during and after much therapy and recovery work, it seems there are always new areas coming up where I see how the circumstances of the abuse cast an influence on how I live my life.

I suppose it is because I am now recovered enough that I insist on having a full life and enjoying it as much as possible, that I keep running into (and sometimes tripping over!) injured parts of my psyche that I must heal in order to continue.

One of the big ones for me has always been work. Associated with that of course comes the idea of money and being self-supporting.

The man who sexually abused me did so under the guise of providing me with food and shelter. Also I was trained to rely on him for emotional and spiritual help.

For so many years, i made the same bad decisions based on those long ago experiences. I always chose sex partners who were older and more estabished financially than me. I had trouble making my own way, struggling financially.

I slept with the boss whenever possible in order to insure that my positiion was secure. Using sex as a way of fighting off the nagging insecurity I felt was a way of life for me. I never gave it a second thought, though it caused me lots of troubles.

I have worked a lot on the dynamic of me being the employee. I have made lots of wonderful progress. Thank God! The last time I engaged in the old type of behavior it nearly cost me my life.

Now, I own my own business. And the same problem has shown up again, but from the opposite angle. I have an incredible difficulty having people work for me. I won't go into all the details, but let me just say that the last three men I hired, two have gone back to jail and the third just quit because of legal problems.

Also, I seem to have a deep fear of being the "boss", of being in control of another persons life. I suppose it could be that same fear of me becoming the oppressor/tyrant/abuser/boss. I'm not sure and I know that I will continue to work my way through the emotional and psychological factors that give rise to my employee difficulties.

But in the meantime, I have a very busy business and I have been trying to do all the work myself and it is about to kill me.

My therapist, shrink and I agreed that the important thing now is for me to take the steps necessary to get some help with all of this work. Otherwise, I will end up exhausted, broke, disgusted with myself and disappointed.

So today I did it! I have hired a very reliable carpenter to help me with my building projects. He has worked for both of my neighbors and has done well for them.

And then the real victory for me happened when we went to the Home Depot. (Imagine a miracle at Home Depot.

After purchasing the lumber needed, on the spur of the moment I stopped and hired one of the day laborers in the parking lot. He's now out back doing some serious cleaning, raking and all that back breaking work that I haven't had time to do.

And I am taking care not to go overboard on making commitment for more work until I see how he does today.

Also I made sure to speak to him in his native tongue, Spanish, and let him know that he only had to ask if he needed anything--water, bathroom, more tools, help etc.

I know this may sound strange, but I really feel like this is a victory for me and what I really, really needed. I work every day until way after dark, sometimes bringing my bulbs in the house after dark to prepare them for planting.

I've got about 5,000 tulips in bloom now that need to be harvested, cleaned and sold. I've got about 15,000 more that need to be planted and more on the way from Holland.

So you can see that I really do need some help. And because my need is so great, it makes it easy for me to see that the psychological and emotional barriers that prevent me from getting the assistance required are really very powerful forces.

With help and persistence, I have overcome those forces today to my own benefit.

It makes me so happy that I don't have to do ALL the work by myself that I wanted to come here and tell you all about it.

There is hope for recovering from the effects of male sexual abuse. It isn't always immediate, but with help, I believe I can continue to grow and live a fulfilled life regardless of the damage that was done to me by the man who abused me.

Thanks to all who come here seeking health, happiness and recovery. I could not do this without all of you! Hooray for us!!!!

Gratefully,

 

[Rustam]

DWF,

Thanks for sharing your victory; what you said made lots of sense for me. The part about being afraid to be the boss is so true for me. My dad was a controlling ass, he couldnt make an emotional connection with us so he got his sense of power and kicks out of controlling his children. He is a farmer so we were stuck working with him, to escape him I got summer jobs as soon as I could.

I have had such problems with bosses. If I feel controlled I get in such a rage, my dont tell me what to do voice is still very strong. When I became a manager, I felt really guilty just asking people to do what they were paid for. They would end up thinking I was going to ask something difficult just because I couldnt say it clearly and simply. I felt that to do my job was to be like him and that is something that repulses me.

I went back to not managing as I felt over responsible and would end up doing the work myself rather than ask for it to be done. It felt easier.

I still feel foolish and un-adult about this, as I cant seem to shift it, hopefully with time and insight like yours I will get better at this.

Thanks

Rustam.

 

[Kraftsims]

Also, I seem to have a deep fear of being the "boss", of being in control of another persons life. I suppose it could be that same fear of me becoming the oppressor/tyrant/abuser/boss.

just a thought here...perhaps you might consider NOT being his "boss" then. How about being a business owner who happens to pay someone for his labor? Might sound a bit silly, but sometimes relabeling with accurate descriptors of what you DO want to be can help. Figure out what you want to be to him. Mentor? Owner of the company? Doesn't necessarily have to be a term with so much heavy authority imbedded into it.

Maybe..."Leader"

I like that one. Implies he will want to follow you. Inspire him with God's goodness and he might just want to go where you are going...

Rob

 

[dwf]

Thanks, guys, for your responses.

Of course, this is all an ongoing process and so your input is helpful. I like the idea of trying to 'lead' by example.

It's hard for me at times to find the balance between allowing the men who work for me to fend for themselves and to be the compassionate man I know myself to be.

It really hurts me to think of others being hungry for example, because I know what that is like. I also associate a certain feeling of hopelessness with economic deprivation, that perhaps they do not experience at all, or at least not to the degree that I do.

So, in that case, I would try to be a 'leader' by demonstrating by my actions how to care for people without allowing them to take advantage of me. I need to deal with my own feelings of grief and sorrow around poverty without using them to do so.

Once I abandon my tough guy, unfeeling boss type facade, that I am encouraged by others to use, I seem to drift too far in the other direction. And that's not good either.

The adults/bosses in my life were not able or willing to show me good examples of how to lead or be in the leadership role.

I guess it's up to me to learn it at this late date, 'in public' as they say.

The guy who's working for me now is 22, from Honduras, speaks very little English, has really bad breath and smells dirty. Yesterday at the store I found myself buying him a toothbrush, mouthwash, toothpaste, soap, deodorant and a razor. I give him lunch while he works for me.

I'm not sure if any of this is all that appropriate or typical but it is what I do after asking God to help guide me and remembering the things I have learned in therapy and in recovery.

I have thought how bad the situation in Honduras must be to force a young man to leave his home and travel the thousand plus miles to find a lousy job here in Texas. And then I remember how bad my home situation must have been to force me to leave home at 15.....and I ended up in the hands of the man who sexually abused me.

It is that abuse of power by one over another less secure, more hopeless, that reminds me, troubles me and can trigger so many emotional memories in these situations.

By going through this experience and others like it, is how I am going to actually have the healing opportunities I need. Talking about it is good; but doing it is the most effective remedy.

But it is hard. I told the guy this morning, that we would have to start work later today, he wants to come very early. Ostensibly it's because of all the rain we've had, but really it's because I need some time to myself to process some of the feelings that keep coming up for me.

That's a positive sign for me; that I'm taking the time for myself to care for myself. That's what a leader should do, right?

Thanks for being here to listen and share with me

Regards,

 

[dwf]

Adam, my helper, and I are working very well together today.

It occurred to me after posting this morning that I travelled over a thousand miles to an unknown place just as he has done.

I left because I had been sexually abused and left to my own devices by my family at the age of 15.

I travelled from western Texas to Minneapolis just after I turned 16. I have been on my own ever since.

I remember how good it felt when someone treated me with respect and offered honest help. That is what I want to give others.

I also remember far too well how it felt to have the man who offered me help, sexually abuse me.
I never want to inflict that on any other human being.

I am grateful that today I know the difference and can act accordingly.

It is a blessing and a gift of grace to be able to do what I get to do today.

Gratefully,

 

[Muldoon]

Sorry to hear that the man that abused you is from my home town, Wish that you could of had a better experence in MN.

I know that there are lots of evil guys hanging around Lorring Park and on Hennepin Ave looking for their next victim.
Wish there was some way we could but up warring signs so kids don't fall in the trap.

Tom