a very confusing time

a very confusing time
P

phoster

Registrant
I find myself at a very confusing time. There is the part of me that is understanding and healing, and my esteem is coming back. I am starting to think of myself as a good person, worthy of being loved and taken care of. I feel I am getting closer to my wife than we have ever been, and feel like I understand who I am more than before.

Yet, I also dont know how to feel about my parents. They neglected me, and I can admit and see that now. It hurts to even say that, because I love them. I dont want to be angry with them, but I am upset and disappointed.

On another level, I am morning my lost childhood, and the wasted years I have lived in denial and repression. It is hard having these jumbled feelings. All at once, I am angry, sad, excited and happy. I toggle between one and the next, trying to pen down exactly how I feel. I guess I feel all of them, and I guess that is good compared to numbly not feeling any of them. I was good at not feeling, so this is very new to me, new and confusing.
 
Phoster, some people say that knowing is half the battle. My belief is that we are on a different scale than most people. I believe that if you are aware of these feelings, and willing to let yourself feel them, this is great!! I think it is so much more important for us to "feel" and not worry about what it means. Just be greatful that you are able to now. This is a sign that you are moving towards healing. enjoy :)
 
thanks. i try to remind myself that feeling is very important. i have just tapped into so many at once, sometimes it feels overwhelming.
 
I can relate some, to how you feel of your parents. I feel that way of my mom, not my father. I feel no connection with him, nothing at all with him. He was nothing but bad to me. But my mom, I feel the mixed feelings of. Because she done things wrong also, and she did not seem to notice what was happening to me, when the abuse was going on. She did nothing to stop it. So I feel mixed feelings about that, with her.

I think there are times when we do not understand or know what we are feeling, completely. I don't think it is wrong, to not be able to define our feelings. Just try to remember that they are your feelings, part of you, and are valid and worthy. Try to allow yourself to feel whatever is happening, and know it is all right.

I wish you well,
Leosha
 
I am sorry you are in a confusing place right now, I understand how the feelings can be all jumbled, and I hate that feeling, but as you said, I suppose that is better than being numb.

Being confused about parents is something I too understand, just don't know what to think or feel, if anything.

It is ok to be confused,ev eryone has times they are confused, and this is one of yours, I know it isn't a comfortable feeling, but it is your feeling, and that makes it a precious thing.

scott
 
thanks guys. i havent really been sleeping too good since my last therapy appointment, and reading abused boys. it has just brought all these feelings to the surface that are powerful. i am very excited and feel like things are finally coming out. i keep running everything around in my head, and it's hard to relax to sleep. i try to stay possitive, but i am very tired now. i can't wait to see doc on friday.
 
Phoster - I can get exactly where you're coming from with the mixed feelings and ultimate tiredness.

I have just had my 3rd therapy session today - after each session I feel drained and feel like sleeping for hours afterwards. After my first session, just before Christmas I was sleeping 12 hours a day - I think that was because my body was starting to really relax for the first time in years. After the sessions I also feel empowered (today was real progress)but this can turn to sadness / emptiness very quickly and then I just jump back to being sort of happy again. I know it feels a bit like being on a waltzer at times (fairground ride here - hope you know what they are)being spun in so many different directions. I know the waltzer does stop - but it will take me on another ride again just the next time I don't get quite so dizzy.

Saturday gone my mood changed from OK to black and back again in about 15 minutes - I was stood on a bridge about 40 feet up from a river (some place I used to go before I was abused & that held happy memories)and suddenly thought 'god how easy it would be too jump'. This was just one of those stupid thoughts that sometimes pop into my head - don't worry I know that I could never do anything like that, as the perp would then have won! I then managed to actually laugh at myself because the water was quite deep & I've dived off boards of a similar height. All that would have happened would be thatI'd have got soaked, freezing cold and had to drive home wringing wet. It was the thought of what my neighbours would think seeing me get out of the car dripping wet that brought me back to reality and made me laugh - I'm sure they think I'm eccentric anyway.

I'm sorry that I can't relate to the parents side of things for I was lucky that I had good parents.

As for excitement - yes I also feel that for I know that I am starting to get my life back. Therapy is helping as are a small group of friends that now know about/of my situation. The main factor that is helping, is coming to this site and finding so many people with similar stories to tell. The support for each other on this site is magnificent. Stay on the ride for you can master it!

*when we become men we are supposed to leave childish things behind us - sod that I've got a remote control car, hot wheels cars on my mantle piece and loads of other daft things...treat yourself you can still have a bit of childhood at any age even if you can't have the one you lost.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
phoster,

It sounds like you are coming into a wonderful place. In such, confusing. The old views and ideas about yourself are being turned around into the new and improved reality.

I, myself, am torn between the love for my father and the contempt I feel towards him for choosing to abandon me and my siblings. He is my father, I am supposed to love him; but, on the other hand he willing chose to not be around to make it easier on himself, which I feel resulted in my SA. No, he was not the perpetrator, but he made it so I was exposed to them. My mother gave her all to raise her ten children, taught us much, most by example. The time she had to give us was very limited and she made the best she could of it.

I do wish I would have had a childhood, but I am confused as to what differences it would have made, what I would have become. I surely would have preferred fishing and riding my bike, than having to go to work at the age of 10 and being raped, then being the plaything for a pedophile for nine and a half years, and then the others. If I could, Id kick myself in the backside for waiting so long to come to terms with this. For not saying something earlier, I had the opportunity when I was put in T at age 11 and again at 15. But that is the past and this is the now. I didnt do anything then, but I am damn glad I am now.

Having feelings for the first time in decades is difficult and confusing, this is where I am at. I still have difficulties expressing them and have a tendency to over do it when I do. Something I need to learn and work on. All I really know is that I feel like screaming right now and then crying, but crying for myself isnt something Ive been able to manage to do.

Best wishes on finding your answers,
Bill
 
phoster - i don't know if this helps - this is my experience - my mom is dead - she controlled me and insulted me constantly - when she was alive - if she were still alive i would probably not have any life whatsoever - maybe not here -
she - my dad - and family treated me as the "scapegoat" - my solution - has been to go towards my own life completely - not being able to choose my own parents - but able to choose my friends as an adult -
i have been crying - or letting myself cry with my boyfriend - just for the first time about my family on saturday while watching a dvd - there is so much to get over
but he says - this crying and not being stoic is the start on my way -
it was hard - i kind of don't know how to cry -
but it is important my friend said to learn to put it in the past although it will never all go away -
i do not know if this helps - the feelings and the turmoil happen almost everyday - sometimes not so much - other times too much -
progessing i think as it will for you -
i need to look up the med word labial (spell?) the doc used it today -
i think this is what happens
 
Whoa... this thread really struck me hard.

I resonate especially with your words about the fatigue and all that, Rick and Phos. I found initially, just a few months ago, that I would come out of a counseling session and feel like I could drop to sleep on the floor... and then I would have to go to 4 more hours of class, and I would have another 4-5 hours of studying after dinner. I was a zombie.

I went to the dean at my medical school and asked to be placed on an extended curriculum for personal reasons... it was turning out that the counseling and healing and all that take a lot of energy and time! So far, they have been helpful, but it is still a lot to deal with. Just the emotional upheaval alone is so overwhelming, and adding the rigors of trying to hang in there at school is a real killer.

Like Phos, I feel kind of torn... I'm so glad to making these strides, and yet I resent that they have to come RIGHT NOW, when I am in one of the most challenging times of my academic and professional life. I feel happy for the progress, but so terribly sad about how the abuse affected my childhood, teen years, and I catch myself worrying about what might have been if I'd never been abused at all.

I believe, though, that we come out of this stronger if we let ourselves grow. I believe that we are aeons better than the people who brought SA into our lives. I believe that a time will come when I am NOT going to be tired... when I will NOT be utterly exhausted after a session... when I will be able to excel in the things that are most important to me.

Right now, though? Right now, I'm friggin' tired.

G'Night.

Kurt
 
Another night of tossing and turning, my mind racing with too many thoughts to focus on has passed. I wonder how to feel about my parents, I think about how I need to work on my anger, and then about a million other things. I think about men I know here and their struggles, and how they are so much like mine, and how they differ. I think about my sexuality, and how screwed up it is, and the steps I need to take to make it right. I celebrate coming out, and good friends that have supported me. I applaud my wife who has risen to this in a greater fashion than I could have ever dreamed. I wonder how I am going to capture all of this to tell my doc about it, and whats coming next.

Im tired, almost dizzy from so many thoughts, so many emotions and feelings. mostly, I am bone tired after having carried this for so long. It is like a new life has started at 38, and like the old one was wasted. I guess that is where much of my sadness comes from. Yes, there are parts of that life that were good, but there are so many bads that all I want to do is forget them. I love the fresh start, and hate having wasted so many years. it is confusing and draining, but I can see many of you know that.

thanks for all the kindness and understanding. it feels good...
 
i hear you phoster -
rest and keep your self well taken care of -
sleep and eat a whole bunch -
it keeps you going energy wise -
i am thankful we are still here -
we are here for you always -

(((((((((((((phoster))))))))))))))))
sleep well -

markgreyblue
 
Phoster,

Confusion, the flood of all these things, is certainly familiar to me. You know I emphathize with you and your struggle to make some sense of it all and take some control and make progress.

A man I know believes that the reason we exist is to learn, to become more adept spiritual beings.

Given that philosophy, no part of our lives is wasted. Everything exists to educate our spirit (if we can survive it).

There's no way you're going to have enough time to tell your therapist everything. Most of the work you do is outside of your therapist's office anyway.

I find that just telling her what I feel in that moment works best. Sometimes I just start talking about the confusion. She has a way of finding our way to the heart of things during our sessions even though I don't know on my way there how in the world that is going to happen.
 
"It is like a new life has started at 38, and like the old one was wasted. I guess that is where much of my sadness comes from. Yes, there are parts of that life that were good, but there are so many bads that all I want to do is forget them. I love the fresh start, and hate having wasted so many years. it is confusing and draining, but I can see many of you know that."

Phos, please allow me to reference that seminal cinematic masterpiece ;) entitled "City Slickers," in which Billy Crystal's character is talking about playing sandlot baseball with his pals as a kid. He tells his buddy that his life to that point is "A Do-Over," just like when they used to play ball. That is the turning point for his buddy, and he goes on from there to feel great and everyone lives happily ever after, and Billy Crystal brings a cow home to Manhattan. Now THAT is fine filmmaking.

Seriously, though, we are similar points in our lives, Phos. I am 36 and just now getting into all this crap. I see plainly how my life to this point would have likely been different if I hadn't been victimized as a kid, and it bums me out. But people around me, (my wife, counselor, clergy, etc.) help me to understand how successful I have been in light of all that, and that helps a lot.

Look back at the successes you have seen in your life until now, Phos... I don't know them, but you should, and they are remarkable. You're definitely a strong survivor to get to this stage of your life in the face of the SA, and we are both young enough to make a big difference in our lives in the coming years.

Hang in there, know that you are something special, and that your brothers on this site are pulling for you.

Best,

Kurt
 
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