a troubled heart

[sweet-n-sour]

Today I am filled with a heavy heart. Over the weekend I invited my husband to go with me for a short trip to pick up our children from their stay at a cousin's farm. He did not feel like going so I didn't push it. Later he asked if I was upset with him for not wanting to go and at first I told myself that it didn't matter but the more I mulled it over, the more I realized it had been a long time since he pushed himself to do anything that I asked him to do. It's as if somewhere along the line I forgot to realize that my needs are important. I can make a million excuses for him not being there for me but the truth is I am pushed away in his world quite often. I do things for/with the kids but husband has a hard time extending himself to help or go along. It is rare that we do much together such as have a date night or take a simple walk. I'm not trying to deny that he has an awful lot to deal with (the csa) but if every once in a while he'd just do something little to show that I'm valued in his life, it would go a long way.
It could be as simple as handing me a glass of water when I'm working in the yard or seeking me out to spend time with me. (Even for just a few minutes.) I feel a heaviness to be the one making most of the effort in our relationship.
I understand the road is rough for healing and I am 100% behind him for support. Maybe I'm looking for something that is just not within his ability to give. I know he is working so hard at healing and perhaps that is what I need to take comfort in at this point.
Thanks for allowing me a voice.
sue

 

[Brokenhearted]

SNS,

I am reminded by something my counselor told me to do. Since my husband can't be intimate w/ me she said I should just tell him that one thing I need every day is a hug. It's a little thing but if he did that much (I haven't yet gotten to talk to him enough that I can ask for this, hope to soon), then it would be my little love token each day that might give me the strength to keep going. It's hardly anything really, and to do without so much (no conversation, no intimacy, no closeness, no everything) is so hard for me, especially as I see all my friends having all that and more, yes, even regular date nights, but I HAVE to remember my husband is not capable of doing those things.....right now. Hopefully things will improve SOON but right NOW he cannot do those things. So I will have to be satisfied with a daily hug, which is one thing I intend to ask for. Maybe I could extend it to a hug and him asking about my day or something.

I think it's just hard this time of year too, with families getting together for Thanksgiving and making memories, pictures of kids dressed up for Halloween, LIFE. And we feel we are definitely being cheated of it all. Try to imagine forward to this time next yr and the next, and surely things won't be the exact same then, I hope not anyway, I hope it improves at least some by then.

My husband has held stuff in and had a wall around his heart for about 30 yrs. So it will take a long time for it to come down. I am sure he is as willing we be close as I am, he just can't make it happen overnight even if he really wanted to. I hear you, though, we have to state our needs too or we'll starve. I remember Larry saying how important it is we tell them what we need, because otherwise they just don't see that anyone else has needs. They are just trying to see out of the pain and can't. So we have to make it happen.

I've decided to make a list of the tiny little things that are positive that I can see as "progress". So I don't forget. If I don't have a list to remind me, I will forget, and I'll get stuck looking at how lacking my marriage is at the present time. The progress is so slow too that we forget it's happening. So I think I'll make a little list of things that I see as progress. Just to remind me. Like you, I feel I need to be reminded today.

 

[sweet-n-sour]

Dear Brokenhearted:
A BIG thank you for your wisdom. I'm not sure why I was feeling particularly down today but like you said it could be with the holidays right around the corner that is jogging what is lacking.
A list is an excellent idea and I was considering perhaps a daily journal. I know I need to communicate my needs and that it is important but when my husband seems so distressed it makes my needs seem trivial.
There are days that I am rather optimistic just as there are low days as well.
I will try to speak with my husband regarding what my needs are exactly. After all, how can he know unless I tell him, right?
Thank you so very much for your reply. I send best wishes to you!
sns