a trigger

a trigger
C

cat lover

Registrant
Hey guys. I haven't posted in quite a long time. But here I am again. Having 2.5 years ago dumped the b.f. who raped me, and gone to the therapist for a long time, I think I'm doing pretty well. Mostly. In January, I started seeing a guy, and things were going well, but then he just sort of disappeared. Stood me up for dinner, sent me a text message saying he'd call the next day, which he never did, and hasn't since. Sent me an email 2 weeks later listing the 1,000 reasons why he was too busy to see me. I wasn't in love with him, but I was on the edge of it. Anyway, I think this kind of treatment triggered my rape PTSD, because sometimes now (yeah, it's July) I'm still pissed off about it, and I get that bitter feeling in my guts that's hard to shake. It was emotionally abusive. I wish I could just flip the switch and make it disappear. I need to move on but feel stuck.
 
Cat Lover,

A friend and I were just discussing something like this in emails a day or two ago.

I think we get stuck very easily on relationship issues, because in that area we are taking huge risks. We are offering our whole selves to another person, and if it doesn't work out then we feel rejected as our whole selves.

No one likes rejection, of course, but I think for survivors it's especially difficult because of the things abuse taught us as kids: the world is unsafe, trust is a bad idea, we are unworthy, etc. So as adults, rejection just reopens some of those old wounds and invites us to replay those old self-destructive tapes.

I don't think there's a switch to flip, bro, but maybe it would help you to think "good riddance". He left after 2 weeks instead of 2 months or 2 years. Things weren't right, but why should that reflect on you? Why not just see it as his loss and your rescue from a lot of grief later on down the line?

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry. The feelings you name seem pretty on target, that rejection triggers feeling unworthy, etc. I should add that the rejection from the guy I'd been seeing for over a month also had another part about it that didn't feel very good. He totally ignored me for two weeks after standing me up for dinner (I said this already). In the meantime, I found out that I had to have a prostate biopsy (which came back negative). When I sent him a text message saying I needed to have a biospy and wanted to talk, he responded with another text message that he didn't feel like talking. It felt like a punch in the stomach. He was really the first guy I'd opened myself up to in nearly 3 years, since my ex raped me, and perhaps because of that it was particularly hurtful.

My head completely gets the "good riddance" part. Now for the rest of me to catch up. I do NOT deserve that kind of treatment from anyone.

I was thinking of going back to the therapist for a couple of EMDR sessions. Anyone got other suggestions?
 
Okay, so, another update. A reply to my own post. I mailed Mr. Disappearing a letter today. I'd written a draft of one a couple of weeks ago, not planning to send it, just to make myself feel better by standing up for myself. So I revised it yesterday, and mailed it. I basically told him that playing games was hurtful and that I didn't deserve that from anyone. When I decided that's what I was going to do, I felt better.

It was a little like when I worked through confronting my ex with the therapist. This wasn't nearly as big a situation, but in both cases, I needed to assert my right to be treated as a human being.

And yeah, good riddance to anyone who doesn't have the decency to ask how your prostate biopsy turned out.

Maybe, Larry, your words about feeling rejected as our whole selves are on target. Maybe that's why it kept bothering me: was I taking his rejection into myself and making it my own? Telling him his mind games were hurtful was a way of passing it back to him.
 
"Good riddance" indeed.
Larry, as always, has excellent advice. Since you had the guts and the maturity to stand up for yourself in that letter, now you can turn away and move on freely.
Congratulations on "letting go".
Love, etc.,
 
Cat Lover,

Yes, my own guess (I only had that first post of yours to base my thoughts on) would be that you WERE generalizing his rejection to a dismissal of you as a whole person.

But look at the sequel. You tell him about your upcoming biopsy and he says he doesn't feel like talking? What? This shows he really couldn't care less. What a toxic asshole.

Which brings me back so something I have already said: "Good riddance".

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks George and Larry. I think it has helped to frame the incident for myself in terms of having spared myself future horseshit.


I actually have felt a lot better since sending the letter. I haven't really had that bitter-in-the-guts feeling. I deserve someone who has the decency to treat me with respect and consideration, and I've said so, and feel that sort of 'clicking' that now I can move on.


I do also appreciate the support on this online forum. It has been helpful to me to have a place to share. Some of my friends with whom I might otherwise share this sort of thing don't necessarily 'get it.'
 
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