A touchy subject...literally
I don't think i've posted this subject here before, at least not with any thoroughness. I feel really isolated and alone with this problem, and wonder if anyone here shares it to my degree - either way, I want it off my chest:
I've been pretty much totally impotent my whole life. I was abused at 13, and from my first sexual encounter at 15 (which ended in humiliating failure) to now, nearing 40, I can almost never achieve or maintain an erection with a partner. And I mean never. I'm fine masturbating, get erections in my sleep, etc. But get me near a warm body and I'm done.
For years I tricked myself into an erection sometimes with a woman by being drunk, or just getting massaged into it. But having been off the booze for two years now, I have no way of tricking myself. And since I've been going to therapy recently and addressing my SA for the first time, the sexual ability is even worse.
I've been with the same amazing woman for almost twelve years. At first our sex life was okay (she had no idea the gut-twisting panic I went through every time we consummated). It deteriorated pretty rapidly, then ground to a full blown halt this last year. She's super attractive, exactly the type I like...yet nothing. It's like my drive and my body are owned by two separate people. Needless to say, this has exacted a massive toll on her self esteem, and would have certainly ended our marriage a few years ago, before I took drastic steps; stopping drinking, going to therapy, anti-depressants and, most difficult of all- admitting to her (and myself) that I was a sexual cripple due to being molested repeatedly in my early teens.
I want so badly to have a normal sex life. I'd settle for quasi-normal, anything. But even though I'm healing so much mentally (off the meds for the first time in a year and a half, and not missing them!), I feel like the sexual damage is so intense, and the associations are so strong; of humiliation and shame and failure, that I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And our intimacy with each other is shot - both of us afraid to touch the other in a sexual way. It's a nightmare. She goes to bed early, I stay out late. When we do sleep together it's fine to snuggle, but there's an underlying tension; knowing going further is a "no-go zone" unless I miraculously just get hard - which happens about three times a year, tops.
Sorry for such a long post. But I can't discuss this with anyone outside of my therapist, and, awkwardly, with my wife. And I just need to share it. I welcome any advice, and/or notes from those who suffer similarly. It is a kind of permanent hell.
I've been pretty much totally impotent my whole life. I was abused at 13, and from my first sexual encounter at 15 (which ended in humiliating failure) to now, nearing 40, I can almost never achieve or maintain an erection with a partner. And I mean never. I'm fine masturbating, get erections in my sleep, etc. But get me near a warm body and I'm done.
For years I tricked myself into an erection sometimes with a woman by being drunk, or just getting massaged into it. But having been off the booze for two years now, I have no way of tricking myself. And since I've been going to therapy recently and addressing my SA for the first time, the sexual ability is even worse.
I've been with the same amazing woman for almost twelve years. At first our sex life was okay (she had no idea the gut-twisting panic I went through every time we consummated). It deteriorated pretty rapidly, then ground to a full blown halt this last year. She's super attractive, exactly the type I like...yet nothing. It's like my drive and my body are owned by two separate people. Needless to say, this has exacted a massive toll on her self esteem, and would have certainly ended our marriage a few years ago, before I took drastic steps; stopping drinking, going to therapy, anti-depressants and, most difficult of all- admitting to her (and myself) that I was a sexual cripple due to being molested repeatedly in my early teens.
I want so badly to have a normal sex life. I'd settle for quasi-normal, anything. But even though I'm healing so much mentally (off the meds for the first time in a year and a half, and not missing them!), I feel like the sexual damage is so intense, and the associations are so strong; of humiliation and shame and failure, that I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And our intimacy with each other is shot - both of us afraid to touch the other in a sexual way. It's a nightmare. She goes to bed early, I stay out late. When we do sleep together it's fine to snuggle, but there's an underlying tension; knowing going further is a "no-go zone" unless I miraculously just get hard - which happens about three times a year, tops.
Sorry for such a long post. But I can't discuss this with anyone outside of my therapist, and, awkwardly, with my wife. And I just need to share it. I welcome any advice, and/or notes from those who suffer similarly. It is a kind of permanent hell.
) sorry - it's 'awkward' at times, but we try. And we allow ourselves to not get it on sometimes ( I've banned the failure word ) just as we allow ourselves to laugh.
. But there's nothing she hasn't heard before, no language or expressions that embarass her, and she know's all the tricks !